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There are comforts and compensations that one who has not
suffered knows nothing of ...
like the lamps that nobody sees till the tunnel comes. -- R. W. Barbour
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A Preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great
fervor.
"If I had all of the beer in the world, I would take it and throw it into the
river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen."
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I would take it and throw it into the
river."
And the Congregation cried, "Amen."
"And if I had all of the whisky and demon rum in the world,
I would take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen."
The Preacher sat down and the Deacon stood up.
"For our closing hymn, let us turn to page 126 and sing,
"Shall we Gather at the River."
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A dietitian was once addressing a large
audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago."
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be truly disastrous, and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief
and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
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I'm the Greatest Something!
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the
backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest
hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he
yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest
hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
"Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on
his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike
Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"
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Cats
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
"One cat just leads to another."
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
"Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit."
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through
snow."
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten
this."
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For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the
constant conversion
from feet and inches to the metric system, including all its Newtons, Joules,
and Watts,
here are some other useful conversions: (the last one may be the best)
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 pains: 1 kiloahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
454 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 milliliters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1
I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
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Miscellaneous Ponderings
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what goober came up with, "Quit
while you're ahead?"
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they
get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the
mail?
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After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients
he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and
offered
everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital,
telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
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Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large
city to deliver a series of speeches.
At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.
Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches
the next day,
he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.
One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded
with this line:
"Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."
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A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give
her an examination to
determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor
about two
seconds to say "Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter
was
a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window!
Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this
happened,
a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would
show up
again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."
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George went on a vacation to the Middle
East with his Family including his
mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem George's Mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate
Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a
proper burial.
The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for
burial is very, very expensive. It could cost, him as much as $5,000.00. The
Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally
decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00.
George thinks for sometime and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to
send the body back; that's what I want to do."
The Consul says "You must have loved your Mother-in-law very much considering
the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years
ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from
the dead! I just can't take that chance!
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Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on beds next to
each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I
was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice
cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then says, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
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20 Quotes to Live By
1 - The best way to get even is to forget.
2 - Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
3 - God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
4 - Some folks wear their halos much too tight.
5 - Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on
earth.
6 - Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, Then perhaps giving
"advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!
7 - Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up..
8 - Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down
by the traffic from both ways.
9 - Words are windows to the heart.
10 - A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims
it's a forgery.
11 - It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill just add a little
dirt.
12 - A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's being the right
person.
13 - The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
14 - Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks all over them.
15 - The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.
16 - To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was
you.
17 - You have to wonder about some humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is
alive!
18 - It's all right to have a pity party once in awhile; just don't invite
anyone else.
19 - You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its
neck...
20 - Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to
forget.
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Work Virus - There is a new virus going around, called "work".
If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply
handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been
tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life
is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, to
purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "Sorry...I'm off to
Home Depot." The "work" should then be automatically deleted from your brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag
the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest cafe
with two friends and order three double chocolate espressos. After repeating
this action 10 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any
relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in
your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your
life.
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The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards.
In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages
to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered
third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of
McDonald's coffee on herself.
This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous
lawsuit in the U.S.
The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the
outright ridiculous and yet with the right attorney you could win anything!
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a
jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The
owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering
the misbehaving little so-and-so was her own son.
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over
his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was
someone at the wheel of the car,
when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house
he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage
locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found
himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he
found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance
claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the
tune of half a million dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The award was
less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little
provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a
pellet gun.
5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she
slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor
because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an
argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner
of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to
the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton
was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the
$3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
And the winner is:
Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000, Mr. Grazinski purchased
a brand
new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the
freeway, he set
the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the
back and make himself
a cup of coffee.
Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he
couldn't actually do this.
He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winniebago actually changed their
handbooks
on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons
buying their vehicles.)
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Aging
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the
other two.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun is a lot more work.
Statistics show that at age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't
that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding
in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow
in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor
instead of by the police.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing
you care to exercise.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through
Congress.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you
didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are
not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there
is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you
were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
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George Carlin, on Aging.... Thu, 08 Aug 2002
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when
we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging
that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on
five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next
number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. . . YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad
milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a
sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then
you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you
know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE
it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up
so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT
Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN
4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there.
Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid
again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let
the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with
us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes,
music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve
it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a
foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but
by the moments that take our breath away.
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MIDDLE EAST MYSTERY SOLVED
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit
suicide. Let's see now . . No beer, No booze, No bars, No television, No
cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No
tailgate parties, No hooters, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster,
shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks. Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no
doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. No chocolate chip cookies,
No Christmas. You can't shave, Your wife can't shave, You can't shower to wash
off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear
baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She
smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition. Then
they tell you that when you die it all gets better! No mystery here.
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Dog Prayers................
Dear
God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one
another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old
story?
Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar,
the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a
dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I
know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the
Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, does
he still get his butt whacked with a newspaper?
Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good, or bad?
Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti.
Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to do that stupid shake
hands trick to get in?
Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields,
and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling
at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the horny
beagle across the street.
Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize to
them?
Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't
make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the accident on the carpet thing,
again?
Dear God, May I have my testicles back?
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