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How do you make God laugh?
It's simple. Just tell him YOUR plans!!!!
A teacher was winding up a discussion in her fourth grade class on the importance of curiosity.
Teacher: "Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?"
Child: "In the Garden of Eden?"
Halloween night, the man's doorbell rings and he answers it with the
bowl of candy. Here stands a plain, but well-dressed kid saying, "Trick or treat!"
The man askes the kid what he's dressed up like for Halloween.
The kid says, "I'm an I.R.S. agent."
Then the kid takes 28% of the man's candy and leaves, and doesn't say "Thank you."
the value of ten years: Ask a newly divorced couple.
the value of four years: Ask a graduate.
the value of one year: Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
the value of nine months: Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
the value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
the value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
the value of one hour: Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
the value of one minute: Ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
the value of one-second: Ask a person who has survived an accident.
the value of one millisecond: Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics
Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend: Lose one.
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend.
"It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed.
"But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Dan!"
He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous.
Dan simply will not ask for directions."
Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for
his man Friday to help him. Friday, not knowing what else to do, went outside of
Crusoe's tent and danced around and prayed for God to come and help his master.
Shortly afterwards, Crusoe awoke from his coma and groggily perceived a shape at
the foot of his bed. In panic, he imagined that the angel of death had come to get him.
Then the shape came into focus, and he cried with relief,
"Thank God! It's Friday!"
Smile For the DMV!
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk,
"I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely.
"It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to
look when the cops pull you over anyway."
It Might Be Cleaner
After trying to for hours to get my daughters to clean their room, I burst in and yelled,
"GET THIS ROOM CLEAN NOW, BEFORE I HAVE A COW!!!"
My youngest daughter (3 years old) looked at me with a very puzzled expression and said,
"You mean you're going to get rid of us and have a cow instead?"
A couple is going out for an evening on the town.
When they are almost ready to go, the wife tells her husband not to forget to put out the cat.
However, after a Taxi arrives and as they go out the door the cat darts back in the house.
Not wanting the cat shut in the house while they are out the husband goes back in to get
the cat as the wife goes and gets in the cab.
The wife not wanting it known that the house will be empty while they are out explains
to the cab driver, "He is just going upstairs to say good-bye to mother."
A short time later the husband comes down and gets in the cab.
He says, "Sorry it took so long but the stupid old thing was
under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger!"
All of these are actual instructions from products:
"Product will be hot after heating."
"Remove infant before folding." (warning label on stroller)
"Contents flammable." (label on lighter fluid container)
"Do not use if pregnant or intend to get pregnant." (label on birth control pills)
"Do no use in shower." (label on hair dryer)
"Do not use if you have prostate problems." (found on popular PMS medication)
"Not for human consumption." (found on a package of dice)
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious."
"May cause drowsiness." (found on over-the-counter sleeping medication)
"Do not drive with sunshield in place." (warning on cardboard window shield)
"Do not turn upside down." (found on bottom of desert box)
"Turn off motor before using this product." (found on chainsaw sharpener)
"Do not put in mouth." (found on package of bottle rockets)
"Warning: this can burn eyes." (found on curling iron)
"Do not use orally after using rectally." (instructions on thermometer)
"Warning--for indoor or outdoor use only." (found on string of Christmas lights)
"Peel fruit from cellophane backing before eating."
"This spray is harmful to bees." (label on insecticide)
"Please keep out of children." (found on butcher knife)
"For serious injuries seek medical attention." (found on Band-Aid box)
"Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats." (found on box of rat poison)
"Do not using for drying pets." (found in manual for microwave oven)
The boss called one of his employees into the office.
"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post
room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that
you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months
later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want
you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad.
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from
where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.
Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street
had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.
They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating
themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face!
What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.
On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am.
I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so,
I glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW. Even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to
pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast,
the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling
a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit
around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse.
Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself
weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on-but the telephone company
is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one
could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
 a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
 a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.
 a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.
 a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws)
because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.
 a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART, n.
 A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
 a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;
 a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything
when he brags he had a great day.
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came
to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled,
"Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"
And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his
horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."
No Pets Allowed
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua.
As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over
to that restaurant and get something to drink."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant
and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the restaurant.
The waiter at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The waiter said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The waiter said, "OK then, come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and
started to walk into the restaurant. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable.
Once again the waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The waiter said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!?
They gave me a Chihuahua??
Church Bulletin Bloopers
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial
Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not
worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
3. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot
dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
4. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus"
5. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
6. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.
She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Don't let worry kill you off-let the Church help.
9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
12. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM.-prayer and medication to follow.
13. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
14. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church.
Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
15. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch
in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
16. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement
Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
17. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled
the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they
looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed
limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman said.
The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok?
These women seem awfully shaken," the officer asked.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way go past a drugstore.
Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced
with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would make up their faces in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would
do it again. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian
who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to
clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort
was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl,
and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping
carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep;
the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you,
but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said
"I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
Why We Are Tired
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much pressure
from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing the Taliban.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Then we have the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and
city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me -- and there you are,
sitting on your butt at your computer reading jokes.
Editor's Note: THANK YOU for reading "Smilers" !
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