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"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first
create the universe." -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
May your joys be deep as the ocean. Your sorrows as light as foam.
For your thoughts...
The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway.
Youth is when we are always hunting greener pastures, and middle age is when we can barely mow the one we've got.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Time: That which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in killing him.
A ship is safe in the harbor but that isn't what ships are for.
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. - Fran Lebowitz
There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Dr Benjamin Spock
I am willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong. - Samuel Goldwin
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. - Groucho Marx
There's a fine line between fishing and stand on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright
What makes equality such a difficult business is that we only want it with our superiors. - Henry Becque
If you follow all the rules you miss all the fun. - Katharine Hepburn
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? - Steven Wright
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schulz
The positive side of life
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different
colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of
the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man thought a second and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligator!"
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, I wanted to make you aware of the next expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle.
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become ...
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. PolyGram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become
... Polly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as ... MMMGood.
4. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, DeFazio and Dakota Mining will merge to become, of course, ... zipAudiDoDa.
5. Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as ... Fed UP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become ... Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become ... Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the Nat'l Org. of Women will become ... Knott NOW! Happy investing.
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Iowa, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, North Dakota, South Dakota, and Wisconsin, the Midwest Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter each Midwestern state.
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road'. No matter how slow you drive, you're going
to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of my way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were five years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our women will get you whipped . . . by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at that time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
11. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
12. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
13. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
14. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
15. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and turtle, too. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
16. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 70 goes two ways and Interstate 35 goes the other two ways. Take your pick.
17. The 'opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
18. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
19. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
20. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is 'Sir'...no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit and then go home
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said "Fetch the Bible." The dog bolted to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws,
leafed through the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw.
Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog. That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed.
Finally, one man asked, "Can he do normal dog tricks too?" "Let's see," said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Good grief, we've bought a Pentecostal dog!"
Interesting facts to LEARN while you are doing nothing else.............
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches
2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would
never end because of the rate of reproduction.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Leonardo DiVinci invented the scissors.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand, "lollipop" with your right.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. Such words are called palindromes.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch face is 10:10.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs six times: "indivisibility."
Crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live. That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.
A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye".
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".
It's impossible to lick your elbow.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language...try it!
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
NOW DON'T YOU FEEL SMARTER?
OK, Honestly--- did you try to lick your elbow?
Famous (?) quotes...
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
Time is fun when you're having flies... --Kermit
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
Confession without repentance is just bragging. - Rev. Eugene Bolton
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
Seasoned Fire Fighters
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out intact." The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on the blaze.
After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a long siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking." What are you going to do with all that money? "Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on the truck.
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
The life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't remember.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to many more!
Now- Have I already sent this to you???????
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary.
We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
BUT, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music, The pride out of appearance, The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage, The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family, The learning out of education, The service out of patriotism,
The religion out of school, The Golden Rule from rulers, The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior, The refinement out of language, The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending, or The ambition out of achievement,
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!
Remember.......Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened!
You're not old, until...
1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.
3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE!
6. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
9. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
10. The golden years are really just metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in your hair, and lead in the rear.
11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18.
12. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of jerks.
14. Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and blind they don't recognize you.
16. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Pop music variations for the "older crowd"
For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have re-released their greatest hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.
Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon --"You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash --I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations-- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
ABBA -- "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles -- "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones -- "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"
Poem From an Old Lady
When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was felt that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem.
Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem...And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet. Goes to show that we all leave "SOME footprints in time".....
An Old Lady's Poem
What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten ... with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old woman ... and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years .... All too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
..Not a crabby old woman; look closer ... see ME!!
....Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within ...... We will one day be there, too!
ITS SOMETHING WE ALL NEED TO REMEMBER
THE PAINTING NUNS
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
Who is it?' calls one of the nuns.
Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
Nice boobs,' says the man. 'Where do you want the blinds?
You know you're living in the year 2002 when...
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have an e-mail address.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create "wallpaper" for her computer.
4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
16. You get up in the morning and go online before doing anything else.
17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
18.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
19. You're reading this. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
A Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65 - perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her needlepoint, his wife says sweetly,
"Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did".
As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darnit woman, shut your mouth! NOW!"
The officer frowns and says, "And, I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket."
And the wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Corvette."
As the officer makes out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!!"
And the officer looks over to the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking..."
A man appears before the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing...." the man offers.?
"Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.?
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, ' Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"A couple of minutes ago."
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the water bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.
Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts, the pot said.
The water bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.
Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life.
Blessings to all my cracked pot friends and relatives.
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