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Page 13 --- 12/21/2002
"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or
Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B." -- "Fats" Domino
"We anticipate a global world-market with place for perhaps five computers." --Tom Watson, IBM 1949
The two young boys were discussing their ailments together in the children's ward.
"Are you medical or surgical?" asked the first, who had been in the ward for a week.
"I don't know what you mean," replied the second.
"It's simple," replied the first.
"Were you sick when you came in here? Or did they make you sick when you got here?"
Kids say the darndest things....
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny!
What are 4,2, 28 and 44? " Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"
When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother? " I asked. "Yes," Chris said.
"She's come to visit us for Christmas. " "How nice, " I said. "Where does she live? "
"At the airport, " Chris replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her. "
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was.
She would tell me and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself! "
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter."What are you doing? " His Mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken, " the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart that contained a screaming bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert. "
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,"There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens "
"How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, " he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom. "
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk! "
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so......... Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or
non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your mind and....... begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions????? Dang..... If you said "glass", then go on to question four.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. ...... If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, you dummy. Read the first line!!!
My wife, who is blonde, came running up
to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why
she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up
and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her
father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since
Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God
get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the hell out of him."
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
Our hero, the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, " the dreaded seven-engine approach."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But, Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
Just in case you weren't felling old enough today, this will
certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts
together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's
incoming freshman. Here is
this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1984.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic and there have always been ball point pens.
Atari predated them, as do vinyl albums. The expression "You sound like a broken record." means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were two years old.
They have always had an answering machine. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV. The have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
Feeling old yet? There's more............
They were born the year after Walkmen were introduced by Sony. Roller skating has always meant inline for them. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam Was is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWI and the Civil War. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from (the correct answer by the way is Ork) They have never heard "Where's the beef?" "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "De plane, De Plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R.was. Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands. There has always been MTV.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? If you do, the pass this on to some other old fogies......but
PLEASE don't send it back to me, I feel old enough!
Life's Little Instructions ....... Author Unknown
Sing in the shower...
Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated...
Watch a sunrise at least once a year...
Leave the toilet seat in the down position.
Never refuse homemade brownies...
Strive for excellence, not perfection...
Plant a tree on your birthday...
Learn three clean jokes...
Return borrowed vehicles with the gas tank full...
Compliment three people every day...
Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them...
Leave everything a little better than you found it...
Keep it simple...
Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures...
Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know...
Floss your teeth...
Ask for a raise when you feel you're earned it...
Be forgiving of yourself and others...
Over tip breakfast waitresses...
Say "Thank you" a lot...
Say "Please" a lot...
Avoid negative people...
Buy whatever kids are selling on card tables in their front yards...
Wear polished shoes...
Remember other people's birthdays...
Commit yourself to constant improvement...
Carry jumper cables in your trunk...
Have a firm handshake...
Send lots of Valentine cards. Sign them, "Someone who thinks you're terrific"...
Look people in the eye...
Be the first to say, "Hello"...
Use the good silver...
Return all things you borrow...
Make new friends but cherish the old ones...
Sing in a choir...
Plant flowers every spring...
Have a dog...
Always accept an outstretched hand...
Stop blaming others...
Take responsibility for every area of your life...
Wave at kids on school buses...
Be there when people need you...
Feed a stranger's expired parking meter...
Don't expect life to be fair...
Never underestimate the power of love...
Drink champagne for no reason at all...
Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation...
Don't be afraid to say, "I made a mistake"..
Don't be afraid to say, "I don't know"...
Compliment even small improvements...
Marry only for love not for money...
Rekindle old friendships...
Count your blessings...
Call your mother....
And remember....Embrace life because Tomorrow is another day!
...what was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
my son asked the other day.
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"We ate at home," I explained. "My Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we all sat down together at the table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I had to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, my son was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer some serious internal damage, I didn't tell him the part about how I had to get my father's permission to leave the table.
Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I had figured his system could handle it. My parents never:
wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country, flew in a plane or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a "revolving charge card" but they never actually used it. It was only good at Sears-Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears and Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was because soccer back then was just for the girls.
We actually did walk to school. By the time you were in the 6th grade it was not cool to ride the bus unless you lived more than 4 or 5 miles from the school, even when it was raining or there was ice or snow on the ground.
Outdoor sports consisted of stickball, snowball fights, building forts, making snowmen and sliding down hills on a piece of cardboard. No skateboards, roller blades or trail bikes.
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 12. It was, of course, black and white, but you could buy a piece of special colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, I like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for program that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was at Sam's Pizza at the East end of Fruit Street in Milford. My friend, Steve took me there to try what he called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down and plastered itself against my chin. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
Pizzas were not delivered to your house back then, but the milk was. I looked forward to winter because the cream in the milk was on top of the bottle and it would freeze and push the cap off. Of course us kids would get up first to get the milk and eat the frozen cream before our mother could catch us.
I never had a telephone in my room. Actually the only phone in the house was in the hallway and it was on a party line. Before you could make a call, you had to listen in to make sure someone else wasn't already using the line. If the line was not in use an Operator would come on and ask "number please" and you would give her the number you wanted to call.
There was no such thing as a computer or a hand held calculator.. We were required to memorize the "times tables." Believe it or not, we were tested each week on our ability to perform mathematics with nothing but a pencil and paper. We took a spelling test every day.
There was no such thing as a "social promotion." If you flunked a class, you repeated that grade the following year. Nobody was concerned about your "self esteem." We had to actually do something praiseworthy before we were praised. We learned that you had to earn respect.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and most all boys delivered newspapers.
I delivered the "Milford Daily News" six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut on screen. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they just didn't do that in the movies back then. I had no idea what they did in French movies. French movies were considered dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
You never saw the Lone Ranger, Roy Rogers or anyone else actually kill someone. The heroes back then would just shoot the gun out of the bad guys hand. There was no blood and violence.
When you were sick, the Doctor actually came to your house. No, I am not making this up.
Drugs were something you purchased at a pharmacy in order to cure an illness.
If we dared to "sass" our parents, or any other grown-up, we immediately found out what soap tasted like. For more serious infractions, we learned about something called a "this hurts me more than it hurts you." I never did quite
understand that one!
In those days, parents were expected to discipline their kids. There was no interference from the government. "Social Services" or "Family Services" had not been invented (The ninth and tenth amendments to the constitution were
still observed in those days.)
I must be getting old because I find myself reflecting back more and more and thinking I liked it a lot better back then.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your kids or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they wet themselves laughing. Growing up today sure ain't what it used to be!
Driving Rules - It's important to review the "California
Driving Rules" This is important because these idiots visit your state and
continue to drive the same way!:
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real California driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you or the space will be
filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it, and it will inevitably result in you being
rear-ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right
as you sit in the left lane, waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. California is a no-fault insurance state, and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in California during rush hour.
11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a California
driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in California.
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly. California is the home of high-speed slalom driving, thanks to the State Highway
Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
15. It is traditional in California to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
17. Remember that the goal of every California driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
18. In California, flipping someone the bird is considered an appropriate driver's salute. This gesture should always
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