Click HERE to go to page 14, HERE to return to Directory -- 11/23/2002
A woman went to her Health Maintenance Organization.
After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall.
Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was and she explained.
The second doctor went back to the first and said, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor simply smiled and said, "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief. I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason." "No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?" "Bigger." "Governor." "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."
The man whispered, " God, speak to me" and a meadowlark sang.
But, the man did not hear.
So the man yelled, "God, speak to me" and the thunder rolled across the sky.
But, the man did not listen.
The man looked around and said, "God let me see you."
And a star shined brightly.
But the man did not see.
And, the man shouted, "God show me a miracle." And, a life was born.
But, the man did not notice.
So, the man cried out in despair,
"Touch me God, and let me know you are here."
Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man.
But, the man brushed the butterfly away ... and walked on.
I found this to be a great reminder that God is always around us in the little and simple things
that we take for granted, even in our electronic age, so I would like to add one more:
The man cried, "God, I need your help!"
And an e-mail arrived reaching out with good news and
encouragement. But, the man deleted it and continued crying ...
Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect
Moses and the Computer
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know; remember?"
"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are
important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well - sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them;
but, of course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you
didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, Sir; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot.
I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never
uses 'shalt not'? May he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh,
and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,'
or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will act like I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy
who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that
stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't
think he might have sent me one of those - er - plagues, and that's
the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"
"They are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we
just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking
them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows
more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way,
Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,'
because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours
a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Sir? I bet some woman
told him to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named
one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems
to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses.
I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
Grounds for divorce: Think you’re in a bad
relationship? Take a look at these folks.
Loving NM: A woman divorced her husband because he made her salute him and address him as “Major” whenever he walked by.
Tarittville, CT: A man filed for divorce after his wife left him a note on the refrigerator. It read: I wont be home when you return from work. Have gone to the bridge club. There will be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2.
Lynch Heights, DE: A woman filed for divorce because her husband regularly put itching powder in her underwear when she wasn't looking.
Honolulu, HI: A man filed for divorce from his wife, because she “served pea soup for breakfast and dinner…and packed his lunch with pea sandwiches.”
Hazard, KY: A man divorced his wife because she “beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without first asking for permission.”
Frackville, PA: A woman filed for divorce because her husband insisted on “shooting tin cans off of her head with a slingshot.”
Winthrop, ME: A man divorced his wife because she “wore earplugs whenever his mother came to visit.”
Smelterville, ID: A man won divorce from his wife on similar grounds. “His wife dressed up as a ghost and tried to scare his elderly mother out of the house.”
Canon City, CO: A woman divorced her husband because he made her “duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriends house.”
Bennettsville, SC: A deaf man filed for divorce from his wife because “she was always nagging him in sign language.”
Hardwick, GA: A woman actually divorced her husband because he “stayed home too much and was much too affectionate.”
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.
He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
A NEW PET
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
2. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
3. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
4. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
5. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
6. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
7. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
8. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.
A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote
pasture when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud,
advanced toward him and stopped. The driver, a 24-year-old young man wearing a
Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the
window and asked our shepherd "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have
in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure."
The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep," said the shepherd.
The shepherd watched the man make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee.
When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not," answered the young man.
You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," said the young man. "How did you ever guess that?"
Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for providing a solution to a question I already knew the answer to. And, you don't know squat about what you're doing because you just took my dog.
NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES: Afghanistan Cruise
We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush became President.
With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who want to keep their promise!
Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue, David Gephin, Barbara Streisand,
Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all U.S. assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan.
You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq. The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.
Please pack for an extended stay...at least four years and you should consider the possibility of eight years.
Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.
Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as Captain,
Al Gore as Cruise Director,
Monica Lewinsky as Recreation Director,
Ted Kennedy as Lifeguard and emergency procedures director,
and Congressman Gary Condit as Intern Coordinator.
If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones,
please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton.
Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.
Is this a great country or what!
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter.
The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma".
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, puts a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
HU'S ON FIRST By James Sherman [We take you now to the Oval Office.]
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
George: I mean the fellow's name.
George: The guy in China.
George: The new leader of China.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
[Condi picks up the phone.]
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.
And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
MIDDLE EAST MYSTERY SOLVED
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now . .
No beer, No booze, No bars, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey,
No golf, No tailgate parties, No hooters, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. No chocolate chip cookies, No Christmas.
You can't shave, Your wife can't shave, You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. S
She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! No mystery here.
There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that
their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "Sorry...I'm off to Home Depot." The "work" should then be automatically deleted from your brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to the nearest cafe with two friends and order three double chocolate espressos. After repeating this action 10 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.
New Rules Of The Office..will be effective
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks motice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for
lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and
purifier of silver."
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason
for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over
the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames
were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says:
"He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire
time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you
and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
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