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Punny side up!
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. A Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
31. Did you hear about the man who was in an accident and lost his whole left side? He's all right, now.
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A new mother goes upstairs to check on her napping infant.As she opens the door she see's her husband sitting in front of the crib. He hasn't noticed her yet so she slowly and quietly walks up to him. The new father is just staring at the baby in the crib, not saying a word, deep in thought. The mother looks and sees expressions of bewilderment, disbelief, and absolute pure joy on her husband's face.
Dad finally notices his wife and says, "It's amazing, isn't it?"
Mother who, spent over 17 hours in labor without an epidural, says, "Yes dear, it's just incredible," as she wipes a tear of joy from her husband's face.
He looks directly into her eyes and says, "Who'da thought ya could buy a crib this good for fifty bucks!"
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,'
or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
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A SURVIVAL KIT... for every day living...............Items you need
1).Toothpick     2).Rubber band     3).Band aid
4).Pencil           5).Eraser                6).Chewing gum
7).Mint             8).Candy kiss         9).Tea bag
WHY?
1) Toothpick- to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others
2) Rubber band- to remind you to be flexible; things might not go the way you want, but it will workout
3) Band Aid- to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's
4)Pencil-to remind you to list your blessings every day
5) Eraser- to remind  you that everyone makes mistakes and that's OK
6)Chewing gum- to remind you to  stick with it and you can accomplish anything!
7)Mint-to remind you that you are worth a MINT when others put you down
8)Candy kiss- to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or hug and sweet words in their ears
9)Tea bag- to remind you to relax daily and reflect on all the positive things in your life and stop being so hard on yourself.
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.  No need to tell someone they are hard on themselves.
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A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped
the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."
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HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL......
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to his cheeks.  When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth.  Cat will then close mouth and swallow pill.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of throat
with forefinger.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws.  Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat.  Flick pill down ruler with forefinger.
7. Retrieve cat from living-room valance.
8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside for later gluing.  Remove third pill from foil wrap.
9. Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit.  Put pill in end of paper tube you've
made for this purpose.  Then, force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow.
10. Check label to make sure is not lethal to humans.  Sip water to take taste away.  Apply bandage to assistant's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with soap and cold water.
11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof.  Remove fourth pill from foil.Place cat in cupboard, and close door on cat's neck and head outside cupboard. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
12. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
13. Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree.
14. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.
15. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and securely tie to leg of dining table.  Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat's mouth
open with tire iron.
16. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic stitches fingers, forearm and removes pill remnants
from eye.
17. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter, and adopt a goldfish....
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Aphorisms For Our Time
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others.
Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
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Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions    Author Unknown
When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard.
My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on.
When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money and I look away.
My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back.
When I hear music I love, I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much rhythm so I sit self-consciously and listen. 
My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don't know them, they make up their own.
When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it. I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk.
My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing.
When I pray, I say Thee and Thou and grant me this, give me that. 
My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy."
When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets.
My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with.
I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children!
Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
I wish you Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions!!!
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away."
Life's a journey, enjoy the ride.
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For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. 
A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. 
She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.
She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.
 The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.
I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced.  "What the .  .  .  " the teacher said.
I typed, "I said leave me alone!"
The kid got real upset.  "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. 
The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.  Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.
After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.
Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
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Famous (?) quotes...
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
Time is fun when you're having flies... --Kermit
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
Confession without repentance is just bragging. - Rev. Eugene Bolton
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
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Soccer Mom
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7- year-old soccer players aside and asked,
"Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose but we act together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a *!!!&%^. Do you
understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb
*&($#!!' is it?' Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
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On the first day of school, our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know.
I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.
I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.
She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"
I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.
"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.
She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of children, and then retire and travel."
"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.
"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.
After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.
We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop.
I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.
Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went.
She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.
At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet.
I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium.
As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.
Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said,
"I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me!
I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.
There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success.
"You have to laugh and find humor every day.
"You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!
"There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one
productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn
eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change.
"Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."
She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives. At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.
One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful
woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.
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What a great salesman!!!!!
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, $101,237.64."
The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
"Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."
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On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car  accident.
 The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While they are waiting they begin to wonder, "Could they possibly get married in Heaven?"
When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
 The couple sits and waits for an answer. It takes a couple of months. While they are waiting, they discuss whether or not they should get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
 "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, " You CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asks the frightened couple.
"OH, C'MON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a preacher up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer!
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Riding a Horse....A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune............
Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
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Computer Humor (Old jokes but maybe someone missed them, and always good a second time ..... or more)
Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged - you "ain't seen nuthin'" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.
4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The
user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in
and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2"
meant to remove Disk first.
10. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
CALLER: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.  The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.  The tech asked her if she was running it "under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.  The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."
12. TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.  Now type the letter "P" to bring up the "Program Manager."
CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".
TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"
TECH SUPPORT: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"
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