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A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for
church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might
give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap!"
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Diets & Dying
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and
support staff of one company.
The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2002 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all
year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
Try this out to see if you are stressed...........
If you are unable to answer these 2 very simple questions, tell yourself
"I am under Stress".
There are the 2 very simple questions for you.
Don't think or worry too much about it.
1. What do you call a mouse with two legs?
And they wonder why they weren't hired? Actual resumes:
-"I am very detail-oreinted."
-"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
-"Served as assistant sore manager."
A deeper meaning?
-"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
-"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
Wow! What educational qualifications you have
-"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
-"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."
WHY did you leave your last job?
-"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
-"Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco."
You want HOW much money?
-"I need just enough money to have pizza every night."
-"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
-"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake.
Then off to a theater to see Star Wars along with more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."
21 Wise Sayings
1. The best way to get even is to forget...
2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.
3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...
4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight...
5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth...
6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea.
7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up...
8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.
9. Words are windows to the heart.
10. A skeptic is a person who when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it's a forgery.
11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little dirt.
12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person-it's being the right person.
13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
14. Too many people offer God prayers with claw marks all over them.
15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so many people can't hold it.
16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover the prisoner was you.
17. You have to wonder about humans, they think God is dead and Elvis is alive.
18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck...
20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.
21. And last but not least -- God gave the angels Wings, and He gave humans CHOCOLATE!!!!!
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened
the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these."
And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again--but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he
begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks
thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up. Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."
The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"
"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the minister.
The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.
Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and distinctly.
"Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.
The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.
"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"
Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Answer for question 1.
Mickey Mouse. (Did you get it? - if not never mind try the second question)
Now the second question:- What do you call a duck with two legs?
Answer at end of this issue ...........
Do You Ever Wonder ............
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/shopping partner is
taking their sweet time:
Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in housewares,...and see what happens.
Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?
Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"
Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here".
Answer for question 2. Donald Duck ?? NO WRONG!!!!
KNOCK KNOCK...HELLO!!!!! ARE YOU AWAKE ?????
ALL DUCKS HAVE TWO LEGS!!!!
NOTE!!! you are under stress!!!!
Ha ha he he ho ho... it's time to take a break... ;-)
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