HERE to return to
Directory, HERE to go to page
For the man sound in body and serene of mind there is no such thing as bad
weather. George Gissing
During one of our weekly weight-loss classes, the group leader was extolling the merits of the program's prepared-food products. She raved about the rich, delicious flavor of the imitation chocolate fudge and the nondairy pops, assuring us that we could eat them without the least fear of ruining our diets.
The woman next to me nodded her head emphatically and then whispered, "They're even better when you spread peanut butter on them!"
Let's face it. English is an odd language. There is no egg in
the eggplant, No ham in the hamburger,
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England.
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted, But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly, Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play, Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down,
And in which you fill in a form By filling it out, And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers, And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all).
That is why ... When the stars are out they are visible, But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts,
But when I wind up this poem, It ends.
Everything I need to
know, I learned from Noah's Ark...
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very
dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed.
The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly
he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got
in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the
wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.
Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve. The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were pushing!"
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a
thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!!)
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating,
were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. (Should these people be boating?)
1. Drunks are like Slinkies . . . not
really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one
tumble down the stairs.
2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen".
3. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4. The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
5. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
6. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
11. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
12. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.
14. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
15. How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
16. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd have come to me sooner."
17. You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
Customer: Hi, How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, Sir that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.
Customer: How about giving me an average price?
Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference, it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 paint.
Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $9 paint?
Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you.
Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.
Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?
Clerk: Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: I don't know exactly...maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough.
Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs.
Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the paint and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until Sunday night?
Clerk: Yes sir, it will.
Customer: Well, that does it! I am going somewhere else to buy paint!
Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is still $13.50. Thanks for painting with us. We know you have a choice of which paint store you use, and we appreciate your choosing us.
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately,
the little baby was born with out ears. When they arrived home from the
hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their
new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise
crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little
Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said, "Now, son.. that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother, a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"
Getting Old and Losing Your Memory is Hell! - A.A.A.D.D. They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.
Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.! Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car. I start toward the garage and I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to wash the car, but first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice
the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.
Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer. Oh, maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye; they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots -- Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?
End of the Day:
The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!
I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...
Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER TO WHOM I'VE SENT THIS!!!
Don't Step on the Ducks!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not! to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
"The 50's" (if you're over 60, this will bring back memories;
the good, the bad, and the ugly)
I can surely relate to this - how about you? Some of you younger ones - this is the way it
was "back then". One of these days you will be there when your kids ask about the old days
when you were a kid. Enjoy!!
Hey Dad," My Son asked the other day, "what was your favorite fast food when you
were growing up?" "We didn't have fast food when I was growing up."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?" "We ate at home," I explained.
"My Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we all sat down together
at the table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I had to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, my Son was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer some serious
internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to get my Father's permission
to leave the table.
Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I had figured his
system could handle it.
My parents never: wore Levi's, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country,
flew in a plane or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a "revolving charge card" but they never
actually used it. It was only good at Sears-Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears and Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was because soccer back then was just
for the girls. We actually did walk to school. By the time you were in the 6th grade it was
not cool to ride the bus unless you lived more than 4 or 5 miles from the school, even when
it was raining or there was ice or snow on the ground.
Outdoor sports consisted of stickball, snowball fights, building forts, making snowmen and
sliding down hills on a piece of cardboard. No skate boards, roller blades or trail bikes.
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 12. It was, of course, black and white,
but you could buy a piece of special colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was
blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red.
It was perfect for program that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on
a sunny day.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza. It was a Sam's Pizza at the East end of Fruit Street
in Milford. My friend, Steve took me there to try what he called "pizza pie."
When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down and
plastered itself against my chin. It's still the best pizza I ever had. Pizzas were not delivered
to your house back then, but the milk was. I looked forward to winter because the cream in
the milk was on top of the bottle and it would freeze and push the cap off. Of course us kids
would get up first to get the milk and eat the frozen cream before our mother could catch us.
I never had a telephone in my room. Actually the only phone in the house was in the hallway
and it was on a party line. Before you could make a call, you had to listen in to make sure
someone else wasn't already using the line. If the line was not in use an Operator would come
on and ask "number please" and you would give her the number you wanted to call.
There was no such thing as a computer or a hand held calculator. We were required to
memorize the "times tables." Believe it or not, we were tested each week on our ability to
perform mathematics with nothing but a pencil and paper.
We took a spelling test every day. There was no such thing as a "social promotion."
If you flunked a class, you repeated that grade the following year. Nobody was concerned
about your "self esteem." We had to actually do something praiseworthy before we were praised.
We learned that you had to earn respect.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and most all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered
the "Milford Daily News" six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents.
On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the
ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the
ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut on screen. Touching someone else's tongue with yours
was called French kissing and they just didn't do that in the movies back then. I had no idea what
they did in French movies. French movies were considered dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
You never saw the Lone Ranger, Roy Rogers or anyone else actually kill someone.
The heroes back then would just shoot the gun out of the bad guys hand. There was no blood and
When you were sick, the Doctor actually came to your house. No, I am not making this up.
Drugs were something you purchased at a pharmacy in order to cure an illness.
If we dared to "sass" our parents, or any other grown-up, we immediately found out what soap
tasted like. For more serious infractions, we learned about something called a "this hurts me more
than it hurts you." I never did quite understand that one? In those days, parents were expected to
discipline their kids. There was no interference from the government. "Social Services" or
"Family Services" had not been invented
(The ninth and tenth amendments to the constitution were still observed in those days.)
I must be getting old because I find myself reflecting back more and more and thinking I liked it
a lot better back then. If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want
to share some of these memories with your kids or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they
wet themselves laughing.
Growing up today sure ain't what it used to be!
WHY THE AMERICAN FLAG IS FOLDED 13 TIMES
Have you ever wondered why the flag of the United States of America is folded 13 times when it is lowered or when it is folded and handed to the widow at the burial of a veteran? Here is the meaning of each of those folds and what it means to you.
The 'first fold' of our flag is a symbol of life.
The 'second fold' is a symbol of our belief in eternal life.
The 'third fold' is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans departing our ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of our country to attain peace throughout the world.
The 'fourth fold' represents our weaker nature, for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance.
The 'fifth fold' is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, "Our Country, in dealing with other countries may she always be right; but it is still our country, right or wrong."
The 'sixth fold' is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that we pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States Of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.
The 'seventh fold' is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic.
The 'eighth fold' is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day, and to honor mother, for whom it flies on Mother's Day.
The 'ninth fold' is a tribute to womanhood; for it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded.
The 'tenth fold' is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of our country since they were first born.
The 'eleventh fold', in the eyes of a Hebrew citizen represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon, and glorifies in their eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
The 'twelfth fold', in the eyes of a Christian citizen, represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in their eyes, God the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.
When the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding us of our nation's motto, "In God We Trust". After the flag is completely folded and tucked in, it takes on the appearance of a cocked hat, ever reminding us of the soldiers who served under General George Washington, and the sailors and marines who served under Captain John Paul Jones, who were followed by their comrades and shipmates in the Armed Forces of the United States, preserving for us the rights, privileges, and freedoms we enjoy today.
The next time you see a flag ceremony honoring someone that has served our country, either in the Armed Forces or in our civilian services such as the Police Force or Fire Department, keep in mind all the important reasons behind each and every movement. They have paid the ultimate sacrifice for all of us by honoring our flag and our Country.
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for dinner.--James Bovard(1994)
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.--George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.--G. Gordon Liddy
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.--Douglas Casey (1992)
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.--P.J. O'Rourke
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.--Frederic Bastiat
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.-- Ronald Reagan (1986)
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.--Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.--P.J. O'Rourke
If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.--Joseph Sobran (1995)
In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.--Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.--Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.--Mark Twain (1866)
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.--Mark Twain
Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it.
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.--Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.--Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.--Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.--Herbert Spencer (1891)
There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.--Mark Twain
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.--P.J. O'Rourke (1993)
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.--Winston Churchill
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.--Edward Langley
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.--P.J. O'Rourke
Click HERE to return to Directory, HERE to go to page 9