Wednesday October 23, 2002 09:38:14 PM -0700
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Lucretius wrote it two thousand years ago:
"So the fullness of things is always renewed, As the generations change,
And, like runners, they pass on the torch of life."
Socrates - An ancient teacher who said that knowledge is different from opinion.
Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom.
It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. . . William Pitt , 1783
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A big-city counterfeiter decided the
best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern
town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with
a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the
man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man,
"Sure, Mister. Ya'll want 2 nines, or 3 sixes?"
Laws of Life
Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
This is what you would call "Out of the Mouths of Babes"
The Dinner Party
A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.
All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
Willy started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 A.M. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN
SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA) After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. Listening to his radio (MADE IN INDIA) he set his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN). He got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another
discouraging and fruitless day, Willy decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered
why he can't find a good paying job in.........AMERICA.............
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
"How come we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?"
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
I just got back from a pleasure trip -- I drove my wife to the airport!
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport a 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Common Sense lived a long life but died in the United States from heart failure on the brink of the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.
For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids, and it's okay to come in second). A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language, and "new math." But his health declined when he became infected with the "If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers.
His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. He declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports. Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.
As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those for low flow toilets, rocking chairs, and stepladders.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. -Obituary author unknown...
Church marquee signs
The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
Under same management for over 2000 years!
Soul food served here.
Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!
Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
Life has many choices. Eternity has two. What's yours?
Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.
Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!
Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.
It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.
What part of "Thou Shalt Not" don't you understand?
A clear conscience make a soft pillow.
The wages of sin is death.
Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.
Can't Sleep? Try counting your blessings.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!
Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies.
To belittle is to be little.
Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.
God answers knee-mail.
Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. (Ain't that the truth!)
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
Charge you an "insufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the work "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have! to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of asteroids?
Why is it called tourist season if you can't shoot them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole plane made out of the stuff?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why don't more people move away from home?
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 60
1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4) People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7) Things you buy now won't wear out.
8) You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9) You can live without sex but not without glasses
10) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11) You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15) You sing along with the elevator music.
16) Your eyes won't get much worse.
17) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
19) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
Go ahead. Send this list to your friends who are over 60.
But remember, five minutes after reading it they won't remember who sent it to them.
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders along a well traveled stretch of highway. The
location, at a bend in the road, allowed him to hide his car out of sight of oncoming traffic while setting up his radar to nab any speeders who passed by. He had used this location successfully a number of times, especially on holidays, and decided to use it again on a Labor Day weekend.
The officer arrived at his hiding place and set himself up, settling down to wait for the first speeders to appear.
After a half hour or so the officer hadn't seen anybody speeding. In fact most of the cars that passed him were traveling exactly at the speed limit, and some of the passengers in the passing cars were even smiling and waving at him. He couldn't believe this was happening since his hiding place was so well concealed.
Finally, after realizing that virtually all the passing cars knew he was there, the officer decided that something was wrong and went to investigate. He got out of his car and walked up the road a short distance. About 100 yards before his hiding place the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet.
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was
concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he
said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart
attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it." So she drove the
boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back
to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he
explains....... "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)
4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it! for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
9. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor! , AT&T Lone Lines Division)
11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
12. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
13. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When! I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)
14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emp! hasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)
A young NYU student was jogging with a friend through Central
park, when the friend was attacked by a Rottweiler. As the dog attempted to maul
his friend, the young man ran to the side of the jogging trail, and with
apparent super-human strength, pulled a sign post from the ground, ran back,
shoved it between the dog's collar and neck, twisted it and snapped the
Rottweiler's neck, thereby saving his friend from more injury.
A New York Times Reporter, who happened to be in the vicinity and witnessed the attack, ran to the man and asked him his name for the article he was going to print. He proceeded to write this by-line:
Young Democratic Student risks his life to save friend from certain death at the hands of vicious dog!
Upon seeing the by-line, the student responded, thank you, but I'm not a Democrat. With this revelation, the reporter edited the by-line to read:
Young Green Party Student confronts vicious dog and risks injury to assist friend!
With this, the student responded, thanks again, but I'm not a Green either. The reporter, now clearly agitated, grabbed his pencil, scratched out the by-line and wrote:
Young Independent assists friend in stopping a potentially dangerous animal attack!
The student looked at him and said, "Try again!"
The reporters next edited by-line read:
Young Liberaterian and friend startled by agitated dog!
The student looked at the reporter and stated, "you still don't have it right!"
The reporter looked at the student and said, "You're not, gasp' one of them are you?
The student replied that he was, so the reporter, now clearly enraged, scratched out the by-line and wrote:
DERANGED REPUBLICAN MURDERS BELOVED FAMILY PET!
4 older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.
The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."
The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."
"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."
The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
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