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This Issue has some news reports, plus, and some humor
Washington, D.C., More Deadly Than Iraq
The Washington press corps has begun its daily drumbeat over U.S. casualties in
Iraq, with reporters citing "body count" statistics as
evidence that the Bush administration is "losing the peace."
And while even a single U.S. soldier's combat death is one too many, the truth
is, more Americans are being killed daily in Washington, D.C., than in Baghdad.
Since President Bush told the nation on May 1 that major combat operations in
Iraq had ended, 52 U.S. soldiers have been killed in hostilities,
according to statistics complied by Reuters on Thursday.
In the same period of time, however, 66 Americans were attacked and killed on
Washington, D.C.'s mean streets, a city with a total population of 600,000.
To be sure, with just 148,000 soldiers on the ground in Iraq, the per capita
danger for our GIs is significantly higher. Still, there were a
whopping 262 murders last year in the nation's capital, according to statistics
compiled by SafeStreetsDC.com.
The press seems perfectly willing to tolerate D.C.'s daily body count without so
much as a peep about the failure of local authorities to keep
the peace in America's most dangerous city
This is how they did it back in the days of
wooden ships and iron men.
Some little known
American military history
The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600
gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient
to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators
(i.e. fresh water distillers!).
However, let it be noted that according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S.
Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men,
48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder
and 79,400 gallons of rum."
Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping." Making Jamaica on 6
October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Then she
headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550
pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five
British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging
only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although
unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing
party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt
Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.
The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February, 1799, with no cannon
shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky and 38,600 gallons of
July 21, 2003
BUSH DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA: Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Bush
announced U.S. plans to deploy over 75,000
vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its
kind in American history, will provide
the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to
render countless Bosnian names more
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER,BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring .... the
referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats,
then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at
my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to
my mother, 'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I
have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got
cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for
the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the
hereafter on a technicality."
My Drug Problem
I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for wedding and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather.
I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents. Those drugs
are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say,
Those drugs are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's
children had this kind of drug problem, America might be a better
Older than Dirt
One day God was looking down at
Earth and saw all of the inappropriate behavior that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. When the angel
returned, he told God,
"Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second
angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When that angel returned he went to God and said,
"Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are
God was not pleased.
So while he was debating what to do about the 95%,
He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good to encourage them -- give them a
little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
Don't worry, Be happy ....... Bill Clinton didn't get one either.
Dear Mr. Ex President Clinton:
I recently saw a bumper sticker that said, "Thank me, I voted for
Clinton-Gore." So, I sat down and reflected on that, and I am sending my
"Thank you" for what you have done, specifically:
1. Thank you for introducing us to Jennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Monica
Lewinsky, Dolly Kyle Browning, Kathleen Willey, and Juanita Broderick. Did I
leave anyone out?
2. Thank you for teaching my 8 year old about oral sex. I had really planned
to wait until he was a little older to discuss it with him, but
now he knows more about it than I did as a senior in college.
3. Thank you for showing us that sexual harassment in the work place
(especially the White House) and on the job is OK, and all you have to
know is what the meaning of "is" is. It really is great to know that
certain sexual acts are not sex, and one person may have sex while the other
one does NOT have sex.
4. Thank you for reintroducing the concept of impeachment to a
new generation and demonstrating that the ridiculous plot of the movie "Wag
the Dog" could be plausible after all.
5. Thanks for making Jimmy Carter look competent, Gerald Ford look graceful,
Richard Nixon look honest, Lyndon Johnson look truthful, and
John Kennedy look moral.
6. Thank you for the 73 House and Senate witnesses who have pled the
5th Amendment and 17 witnesses who have fled the country to avoid testifying
about Democratic campaign fund raising.
7. Thank you, for the 19 charges, 8 convictions, and 4 imprisonment's from
the Whitewater "mess" and the 55 criminal charges and 32 criminal
convictions (so far) in the other "Clinton" scandals.
8. Thanks also for reducing our military by half, "gutting" much of
our foreign policy, and flying all over the world on "vacations" carefully
disguised as necessary trips.
9 Thank you, also, for "finding" millions of dollars (I really didn't need
it in the first place, and I can't think of a more deserving group
of recipients for my hard-earned tax dollars) for all of your
globe-trotting. I understand you, the family and your cronies have logged
more time aboard Air Force One than any other administration.
10. Now that you've left the White House, thanks for the 140 pardons of
convicted felons and indicted felons-in-exile. We will love to have them
rejoin society. (Not to mention the scores you pardoned while Governor of
11. Thanks also for removing the White House silverware. I'm sure that
Laura Bush didn't like the pattern anyway. Also, enjoy the housewarming
gifts you've received from your "friends."
12. Thanks to you and your staff in the West Wing of the White
House for vandalizing and destroying government property on the way out. I
also appreciate removing all of that excess weight (China, silverware,
linen, towels, ash trays, soap, pens, magnetic compass, flight manuals,
etc.) out of Air Force 1. The weight savings means burning less fuel, thus
less tax dollars spent on jet fuel. Thank you!
13. And finally, please ensure that Hillary enjoys the $8 million
dollar advance for her upcoming "tell-all" book and you, Bill, the $10
million advance for your memoirs. Who says crime doesn't pay!
14. The last and most important point - thank you for forcing Israel to let
Mohammed Atta go free. Terrorist pilot Mohammed Atta blew up a bus in Israel
in 1986. The Israelis captured, tried and imprisoned him. As part of the
Oslo agreement with the Palestinians in 1993, Israel had to agree to release
so-called "political prisoners". However, the Israelis would not release any
with blood on their hands. The American President at the time, Bill Clinton,
and his Secretary of State, Warren Christopher, "insisted"that all prisoners
be released. Thus Mohammed Atta was freed and eventually thanked the US by
flying an airplane into Tower One of the World TradeCenter. This was
reported by many of the American TV networks at the time that the terrorists
were first identified. It was censored in the US from all later reports. Why
shouldn't Americans know the real truth?
What a guy!!
If you agree that the American public must be made aware of these facts,
pass this on. God bless America and THANK YOU (once again) for spending my
taxes so wisely and frugally.
A US Citizen
PS. Please pass along a special thank you to Al Gore for "inventing"the
Internet, without which I would not be able to send this wonderful,
AND THE REST OF THE STORY
Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under the
"Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan," which means that even if she
never gets reelected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she
dies. (Would it not be nice if all Americans were pension eligible after
only 4 years?)
If Bill outlives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is
already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary outlives
Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that?
It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they
purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York. Makes
sense. They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes
Here is where it becomes interesting. Their mortgage payments hover at
around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence HAD to be built within the
acreage to house the Secret Service agents.
The Clintons charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly rent for the use
of that extra residence, which is just about equal to their mortgage
payment. This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's salary,
mortgage, transportation, safety and security, as well as the salaries for
their 12 man staff -- and, this is all perfectly legal!
Harold was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital.
Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every
time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this
morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day, Old Harold had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the
tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle
to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So..... you know where the
Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She
looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today....."
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top,
and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe
I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted...... Old Harold just smiled......
Mouse Balls ........I
don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.....
This apparently was a real memo sent out by a computer company to its
employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a
computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine.
(The word is that the engineers literally rolled on the floor! Especially
note the last couple of sentences.)
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need
a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse
balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse.
Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are
replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It
is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining
optimum customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in
charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in
mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy
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