47

I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
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The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:
"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
First, the good. Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run
' With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.
But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:
"Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."
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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on
the table. She didn't miss them until after they had been
driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the
aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they
could find a place to turn around in order to return to the
restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy
old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife
relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided
her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
They finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of
the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat too."
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COMPUTER INFO FOR 40 YRS. AND OLDER

A Computer was something on TV,
From a Science Fiction show of note.
A Window was something you hated to clean,
And Ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
And Gig was a job for the nights.
Now they all mean different things,
And that really Mega Bytes!

An Application was for employment,
A Program was a TV show.
A Cursor used profanity,
A Keyboard was a piano.

A Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account.
And if you had a 3-inch floppy,
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you Unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a Backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue.
A Web was a spider's home,
And a Virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the Memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer
crash, But when it happens they wish they were dead !
~~~~~~~~~~

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" casually,
think about whether you want that politician spending your tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.
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Doctor's Notes
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
"Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . . .
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams.
To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and
sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."
~~~~~~~~~~

*Words From The "Wise"*
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
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My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson.
As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."
Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."
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About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent.
He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.
"They think we have an accent," she replied.
"But they have an accent, right?" Brent asked. "They talk funny."
"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain.
"To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."
His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hawaii or Havaii
These two persons are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced 'Havaii,' or 'Hawaii.'
So there they stood arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by.
So they asked a gentleman: 'Excuse me sir, is H A W A I I pronounced 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?''
The gentleman said, 'Havaii.'
So they both looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, 'Thank you.'
The gentleman replied by saying, 'Your velcome.'
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A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.
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Both Chickens?
Two Backcountry boys are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack
When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"
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Economy Hotel
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6:00 a.m. wake-up call.
The next morning, I awoke before 6:00, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.
"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it.
"You were supposed to call me at 6:00 AM!" I complained.
"What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel!"
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I hate my Job
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement,
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!
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One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."
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Granny's Visit
Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.
"I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!"
His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?"
The little guy smiled at her, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"
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Coincidence
I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town.
One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address.
The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct.
I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer.
But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.
"Why do you ask?" I responded.
"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."
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My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school.
One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message.
The caller said she'd phone back later.
At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.
The last call came at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"
"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"
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A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like two pounds of Polish sausage, please."
The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I had asked for a chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."
With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
"Well, all right then! Why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is a dry cleaners."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that.
We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computer Dating
A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications.
He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly.
It sent him a penguin.
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Ugly Ending
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote
breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs
of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Dear Mary,
I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"
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Worms and Alcohol
A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ouch!
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining
about a bump on his head and a terrible headache.
Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing.
He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
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Don't Even Try, Guys......
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up!"

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