The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I
dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered.
"This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for
the past half-hour."
Falling in Love; What happens when you fall in love
A chef? (You get buttered up.)
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
A gambler? (He cheats on you.)
A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)
A trashman? (He dumps you.)
A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)
A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)
An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)
An artist? (He gives you the brush.)
A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA -- they had just made
the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a
bottle of champagne, the head scientist at NASA asked everyone to be
quiet as he was receiving a congratulatory phone call from the President
of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President,"
he said with a broad smile on his face, "After twelve years of hard
research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found
intelligent life on Mars."
He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced
by a frown. He said, "But that's impossible... we could never do it...
yes, Mr. President," and hung up the phone.
He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have
some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found
intelligent life on Mars...he wants us to try to find it in the
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not s showing up for work. Okay?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have
that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't
come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this
jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house
is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on
paying my fair share.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back
an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late,
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled
down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding
anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they
hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had
carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, an armored car
drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at
their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do
with it so they take it home.
There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The
husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and
hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me,
but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says,
"Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
It Takes Years to Learn These Truths
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very
often, that individual is crazy.
8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
9. Never lick a steak knife.
10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
17. Your friends love you anyway.
18. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
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