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A fifteen-year-old boy came bounding into the house and found his mom in bed. He asked if she were sick or something. He was truly concerned. Mom replied that, as a matter of fact, she didn't feel too well.
 The son replied, "Well, don't worry a bit about dinner. I'll be happy to carry you down to the stove."

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.
 My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.
 "What are all these books?" he asked.
 Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.
 "Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
 Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
 "Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.
 Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
 After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told them there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.
 A repairman arrived within the hour!
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.
 When she returned, she found the children in perfect order.
 Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
 She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
 Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."
 An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter.
 The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.
 "Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.
 "Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added,
"But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"

Johnny Failed Exam

The big red "F" stared back at him on his exam paper.
 Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"
 "Because of an absence," Johnny answered.
 "You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.
 Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

After harvesting the usual bumper crop of squash last year, I took a half-dozen to the office.
I piled them on the table in the break room and posted a sign advertising them as free.

 The next day I noticed an addition to my sign. Below "Free Zucchini," someone had written, "Save the Whales."
An older Jewish man is on the operating table awaiting surgery. He has insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. He is about to receive the anesthesia when he asks to speak to his son.
 "Yes, Dad, what is it?"
 "Don't be nervous, do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
One day a young mother was sick in bed at home with her young daughter. The daughter was about four, and always wanting to be of help to her mommy. So while her mother was sick, the young girl got some magazine for her mom, fluffed all the pillows for her, and even made her a cup of tea!
 Her mother was very pleased with the tea and asked her daughter how she had ever learned to make tea on her own.
Her daughter proudly told her mom, "well mommy, I've seen you do it LOADS of times. Only this time I couldn't find
the strainer, so I used the fly swatter instead."
 "YOU WHAT!?!?!" her mother cried.
 "Oh don't worry mommy, I didn't use the new fly swatter, I used the old one."
Honk the Horn

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
 I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.
"I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."
Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week.
"What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
 Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck. I swam across the river--see, my suit's still damp--ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's helicopter,
landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
 "You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
A young woman moved from Wilmington, NC, to Raleigh where the weather is decidedly colder. Her parents, visited her there and noticed in the parking lot of her apartment complex a sign that featured a picture of a faucet dripping and the words FREEZE WARNING. LEAVE WATER DRIPPING. Her father asked, "Melissa, did you leave your water dripping in the apartment?"
 A look of total confusion crossed her face. "What does the water in my apartment have to do with the water in the parking lot?"
"Honey, what do you think that sign means?"
"The water dripping from the leaves causes the parking lot to freeze, so you need to be careful driving. ... Right?"
A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.
 "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.
 "I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."
 "Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
 The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"
 "Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
As in many homes on weekends, my wife and I faced the conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.
 Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold beer for me with her. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.
 "See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

Everyone has been guilty of looking at another's age and thinking, "Surely I cannot look that old." I'm sure you've done the same. If so, you may enjoy this short story.

 While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly
discarded any such thought.
 This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
 After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
 "Yes," he replied.
 "When did you graduate?" I asked.
 He answered, "In 1957."
 "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
 He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Amazing Memory

One day a guy on a vacation heard of an Indian with an amazing memory, so he decided to visit the Indian and see what the big deal was.
 He went to the Indian and asked him, "What did you eat for breakfast on July 2, 1961?"
 The Indian replied, "Eggs."
 The same man came back 10 years later to see the Indian again. He greeted him by saying, "How."
 The Indian said, "Fried."
Car Locator


After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily.
Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car."
 "Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."


A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
 The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
 The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an
ambulance. He was rushed to the emergency room, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
 The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.

Calling the Boyfriend

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
 "Is Mike there?" I asked.
 "He's in the shower," she responded.
 "Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
 When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
 "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
 "I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
Falling in Love; What happens when you fall in love with:
A chef? (You get buttered up.)
 A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
 A gambler? (He cheats on you.)
 A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)
 A trashman? (He dumps you.)
 A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)
 A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)
 A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)
 An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)
 An artist? (He gives you the brush.)
 A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA -- they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head scientist at NASA asked everyone to be quiet as he was receiving a congratulatory phone call from the President
of the United States.
 He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," he said with a broad smile on his face, "After twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."
 He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that's impossible... we could never do it... yes, Mr. President," and hung up the phone.
 He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars...he wants us to try to find it in the Congress."

Excuses For Missing Work

 I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not s showing up for work. Okay?
  I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
 I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
 Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
 I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
 The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
 The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
 I prefer to remain an enigma.
 I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for
helicopter transportation.
 I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
 I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
 I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
 I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
 I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source
exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late,
or early.
Finders Keepers

An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.
 There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
 She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
 The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
 She says, "No."
 The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
 She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
 But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
 The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
 The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
It Takes Years to Learn These Truths

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
 5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
 6. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
 7. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
 8. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
 9. Never lick a steak knife.
 10. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
 11. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
 12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
 13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
 14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
 15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
 16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
 17. Your friends love you anyway.
 18. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

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