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Watching her aunt as she tried on her new fur coat, young Bernice whined, "Aunt
Marie, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"
Marie shot her niece an angry look and said, "Bernice! How dare you talk about
your uncle Louie like that!"
Two golden-agers were discussing
their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that Eddie would stop biting his nails. It's a nasty habit and when
he just gives me the shivers."
"You know, my George used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I
broke him of the habit."
"I hid his teeth."
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he
spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting
for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted
across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motor
cycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and
asked, 'So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em,
put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get
such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing
basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic..."try
doing it with the engine running!"
A man goes to consult a specialist about his
After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe
"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the
"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one
charges that much!"
"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I
could adjust my fee to three hundred."
"Three hundred dollars? For one visit?
"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
"Who has that kind of money?"
"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated,
"Just give me fifty bucks and get out."
"I can give you twenty," says the man. "Take it
or leave it."
"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why
did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"
"Listen, Doctor", says the patient, "When it
comes to my health, nothing is too expensive."
Preparing for the most important presentation
of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. "I'll implant a hypnotic
suggestion in your mind," said the shrink. "Just say 'one-two-three,' and
you'll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say
because it will cause you to freeze up and make
a fool or yourself."
The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at
home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work, and got a
standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the
boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start.
The sales rep whispered under his breath,
Then the CEO asked, "What did you say
Late one night in the Washington, D.C. area a
mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and
stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You
can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me
When my three-year-old son opened the
birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He
squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so
I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised
at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
Mom smiled and then replied....."I
Top Nine Stupid Questions
Received by the Chap Stick Hotline
9. "Hi, is this the chopstick hotline?"
8. "Okay, I removed the cap -- now
7. "Can I use it to highlight passages
6. "Is it safe for my kitty's lips?"
5. "Is it true that the Chinese use
these instead of forks?"
4. "I like to dress the tubes in tiny
little clothes I make. Is this illegal?"
3. "Is it available in a spray?"
2. "I wrote a 22-page poem about Chap
Stick. Where do I send it?"
1. "I lost my Chap Stick -- did anyone
turn it in?"
Cards offering used textbooks for sale
are posted on the college notice board at the beginning of each
One read: "Introduction to Psychology,
$8, never used." The card was signed, "Must sell."
The next day a note had been added:
"Good price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed,
Below in a different hand was:
"Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam."
"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed
the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen
anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere
amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old
son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and
fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
Walking was virtually impossible
with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to
himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard
someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps,
he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut
He couldn't understand how this
could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see
very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He
jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step
then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified
material, he heard his so
"It's time to get up and get ready
for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up
One evening after dinner, a
five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he
asked his father, "Where did mommy go?"
In answer to his question, he was
told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for
only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party,
The man had always given his son
honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the
"Well, son," he said, "at a
Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic
bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he
understood this curious pastime...
Then he burst out into laughter,
and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
One day a little girl was sitting
and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked
at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every
time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy,
one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about
this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL
of grandma's hairs are white?"
If you want someone who will do
anything to please you, get a dog.
If you want someone who will
bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for
the sports page, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll
make a total fool of himself because he's glad to see you,
get a dog.
If you want someone who eats
whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother
made it better, get a dog.
If you want someone who never
touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night
Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as
you want, get a dog.
If you want someone who'll be
content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and
whom you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get
If you want someone who never
criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you
look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing,
never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time,
get a dog!
On the other hand...If you
want someone who never comes when you call him, totally
ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over
the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and
come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though
you are there only
to see that He's happy... Get a
Who Said That?
If quitters never win and
winners never quit, what goober came up with "Quit while
What hair color do they put
on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers
feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I
wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of
criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to
do ... write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so mailmen can look for
them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are
here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here
STRESSED spelled backwards
No one ever says "It's only
a game" when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never
If you can't be kind, at
least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed
of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Celebrating The Raise
My sister landed a good
job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a
The day she found out
about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they
stopped for ice cream.
As they continued home, my
sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I
have a job that pays this much money?"
Just then, she went to
toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.
However, the window was
closed, and it smacked against the glass.
Her husband replied
Do It Yourself
When a guy's printer type
began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where
a friendly man informed him that the printer probably
needed only to be cleaned.
Because the store charged
$50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better
off reading the printer's manual and trying the job
Pleasantly surprised by
his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you
"Actually, it's my boss's
idea," the employee replied sheepishly.
"We usually make more
money on repairs if we let people try to fix things
Geneticaly Modified Signs
Signs that scientists
have gone too far with genetically modified food:
Your hot dog just
fetched its own ketchup and relish.
You spot the tell-tale
signs of a primitive central nervous system in your
Chocchini: looks like
zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.
The black-eyed peas on
your fork just winked at you.
Every time you pour a
glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.
Headlines from 2050
Florida to Be
Re-admitted to Union
Plague of Spotted Owls
Threaten Crops, Livestock
Texas Executes Last
Baltimore Rams Defeat
St. Louis Ravens
Upcoming NFL Draft
Likely to Focus On Mutants
Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
D.C. Zoo to Receive
Authentic Year 2000
Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's
of onopoly Charges
50-Year Study: Diet
and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
Cal Ripken Jr. Reduced
to DH Role
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