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Watching her aunt as she tried on her new fur coat, young Bernice whined, "Aunt Marie, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"
Marie shot her niece an angry look and said, "Bernice! How dare you talk about your uncle Louie like that!"

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.   
"I do wish that Eddie would stop biting his nails. It's a nasty habit and when he just gives me the shivers."
"You know, my George used to do the same thing," the other woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"I hid his teeth."

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motor cycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic..."try doing it with the engine running!"

Specialist's Fee

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem.
 After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"
 "My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.
 "Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"
 "In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."
 "Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."
 "Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"
 "Who has that kind of money?"
 "Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me fifty bucks and get out."
 "I can give you twenty," says the man. "Take it or leave it."
 "I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"
 "Listen, Doctor", says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive."
The Big Presentation

Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. "I'll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind," said the shrink. "Just say 'one-two-three,' and you'll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say 'one-two-three-four,'
because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool or yourself."
 The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work, and got a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start.
The sales rep whispered under his breath, "One-two-three."
 Then the CEO asked, "What did you say 'one-two-three' for?"
Late one night in the Washington, D.C. area a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
 "Give me your money," he demanded.
 Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!" 
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased.
 I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
 Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
Top Nine Stupid Questions Received by the Chap Stick Hotline
9. "Hi, is this the chopstick hotline?"
 8. "Okay, I removed the cap -- now what?"
 7. "Can I use it to highlight passages in books?"
 6. "Is it safe for my kitty's lips?"
 5. "Is it true that the Chinese use these instead of forks?"
 4. "I like to dress the tubes in tiny little clothes I make. Is this illegal?"
 3. "Is it available in a spray?"
 2. "I wrote a 22-page poem about Chap Stick. Where do I send it?"
 1. "I lost my Chap Stick -- did anyone turn it in?"
Cards offering used textbooks for sale are posted on the college notice board at the beginning of each semester.
One read: "Introduction to Psychology, $8, never used." The card was signed, "Must sell."
 The next day a note had been added: "Good price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer."
 Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam."
Where are You Danny?

"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.
 He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
 Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
 "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.
 He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
 In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
 From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his so
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

Where's Mommy?


One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did mommy go?"
 In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
 This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?"
 The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.
"Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
 He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime...
 Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?"
 Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
 The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Who Needs a Man?

If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.
 If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.
 If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's glad to see you, get a dog.
 If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.
 If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.
 If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and whom you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.
 If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!
 On the other hand...If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and come home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only
to see that He's happy... Get a CAT!
Who Said That?
 If quitters never win and winners never quit, what goober came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?
 What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
 I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
 Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do ... write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
 STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
 No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
 As I said before, I never repeat myself!
 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
 Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Celebrating The Raise
 My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.
 The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.
 As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"
 Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.
However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.
 Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."

Do It Yourself
 When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
 Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
 Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
 "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.
 "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
Geneticaly Modified Signs
 Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:
 Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.
 You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in your Jell-O.
 Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.
 The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.
 Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.
Headlines from 2050
 Florida to Be Re-admitted to Union
 Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
 Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen
 Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens
 Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
 Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
 D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow
 Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's
 Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of onopoly Charges
 50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
 Baby Conceived Naturally
 Cal Ripken Jr. Reduced to DH Role

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