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Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.
FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for
could easily replace us in a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own
family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? So what is behind the
story?
Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
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1903 statistics
The year is 1903 ... one hundred years ago ... what a difference a century
makes! Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1902:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 Percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than
California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st-most
populous state in the Union. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel
Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per
year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical
engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they
attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the
government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost
fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for
shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any
reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans
had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner
drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives
buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a
perfect guardian of health."
18 percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or
domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U. S.
Just think what it will be like in another 100 years.......It boggles the
mind.....
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The Church Organist
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the
worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were
expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find
that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the
last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the
service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play
after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are
in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we
need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At
that moment, the substitute organist played "The star-spangled Banner." And that
is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS:
The Dentist's Hymn:.....................Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn..............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn:............... The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn:....................... Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn:....................... There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn:................... Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn:.............. Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn:................. I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn:.......................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn:..................Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn:.................... Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn:.......................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the
Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn.... He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn:...................... The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
-----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
-----55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
-----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee
-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer
-----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home
-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
-----Over 100mph...........Precious Memories
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Here is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "beauty
tips." It was read at her funeral years later.
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed,
and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each
of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping
yourself, and the other for helping others.
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I was driving down a lonely Colorado country road one cold winter day when it
began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades
were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any
further because of the ice building up on my windshield.
I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I
located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes. I grabbed them up,
straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just
fine.
What! You've never heard of... wind-chilled vipers??
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Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
If electricity comes from electrons ... does that mean that morality comes from
morons?
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Hideous Puns For all you lexiophiles (lovers of words)
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward [or dyslexic] poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that
votes.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered. [In more ways than one.]
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Feel free to groan now.
.....and on Concurrency: "In order to meet the conditions of joining the
Single European Currency (the Euro), all citizens of the United Kingdom
of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase
"Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 1st January 2004. From this
date, the correct terminology will be "Ëuronating".
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State Motto...... Some of these are funny!!!!!!
DO YOU KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO?
Alabama: Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity!
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat!
Arkansas: Bill Sucks
California: First White Minority State
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet.
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water!
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids!
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism!
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, but Leave Your
Money)!
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes . Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are
Real Good!
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S."
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free!
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn!
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States.
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster.
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It.
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets).
Michigan: First Line Of Defense Against The Canadians.
Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Lakes... And
10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes!
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State.
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work.
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little
Else.
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest.
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone.
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets.
New York: Millions of Liberal A.......s Can Be Wrong
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable.
North Dakota: A Woman Behind Every Tree
Ohio: Some Day We'll Beat U of Mich.
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing.
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner.
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal.
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island.
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender.
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota.
Tennessee: The Educashun Stait?
Texas: Si Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English).
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.
Vermont: Yep!
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese.
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ...
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Clever One Liners...
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like - night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then
used against you.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
"It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception,
is composed of others." John Andrew Holmes
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable.... except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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New Drugs for Women
BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration
of spending spree.
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
ST. MOM'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by
enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't
wait till they moved out.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and
the urge to flip off other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too
eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging
on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!
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FINALLY AN EXERCISE I CAN DO AND WILL STICK WITH!
Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape. You might want to take
it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.
It may be too strenuous for some...
And remember...ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE
PROGRAM.***
NOW SCROLL DOWN...
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NOW SCROLL UP... Feel the burn!!!
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