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Rumor has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is only
there to keep the pilot and passengers cool.
What, you don't believe this?
If it stops, watch them start to sweat!
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read:
"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:
"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and
take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.
Jimmy's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his
So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Jimmy handed in a poor paper.
"This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the teacher.
"It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes."
"One person didn't," replied Little Jimmy defensively. "My father helped me."
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian.
The Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Shoe Cover Up
One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work.
Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.
Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.
Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed
it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.
Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"
The pigmy said, "Yes."
The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
"I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to
spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of
Annapolis, Maryland, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a
group, Felix, one of our guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.
He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by. Doing a double take at Felix in his 18th-century garb, he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"
Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the
kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was
not long before the job was done.
As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.
The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.
I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men.
They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.
I told them my fee: $45.
Ahh . . . Friendship
A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block
of concrete which had this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."
Why Teachers Go Gray.........These are reported to be actual test answers
from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area:
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her
children of their thank-you note duties.
As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
Lunch On The Bank
A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch
The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The
pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again,
to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.
The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have
told him where the rocks are?"
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog.
His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"
The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"
A visitor once asked, "Does it ever rain in Arizona?"
A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, "We got about two and a half inches of that."
You are a Lousy Cook if...
You are a lousy cook if....
Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.
Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.
Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it the gravy still turns bright purple.
Tips For Student Pilots
1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa.
12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the
ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
25. The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
And a bonus tip:
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
The lady lawyer approached the jury box and began an eloquent plea for her
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I want to tell you about this man. There's so much to say that is good: he never beat his mother; he was always kind to little children; he never did a dishonest thing in his life; he has always lived by the golden rule; he is a model of everything decent, forthright, and honest. Everyone loves him and..."
Her client leaned over to the attorney's assistant and said, "How do you like that babe? I pay her good dough to defend me, and she's telling the jury about some other guy!"
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given
an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
Haiku Error Messages
Sony has announced its own computer operating system is now available. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows operating systems, Sony's chairman said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now ... an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and
unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."
The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:
A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much.
Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully.
With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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