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Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
A blonde girl enters
a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman:
I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.
The surprised salesman replies:
But, madam, computers do not have curtains....
And the blonde said:
Helloooo.... I've got Windows
DRIVERS LICENSE RECORDS ALERT
Had to send this one on. Scary! I just saw this.
Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet - including your own!
I just searched for mine and there it was...picture and all!
Maybe we should start up a petition or something protesting this.
What do you think?
Go to the website and check it out. It's unbelievable!!!
Just enter your name, City and state to see if yours is on file.
After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove"
Here is the address, click or copy & paste:
I'm sure you don't want just anyone getting this information
Kids say the darndest things
These are real answers given by children. (Only children could come up with this, and keep a straight face!)
Q.: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Feeling Old Chips............Time Changes Everything....
I used to have Saturday Night Fever... Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.
Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old... as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.
The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age.. But they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up!
Please excuse the
rough language in the following story... :-)
(they're clean ........)
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out.
Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
The New Teacher
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said "Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted
diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage
respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers.
Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working towards advance certification and a Masters degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and parrticipate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration. You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.
All of this I'm to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me
................ NOT TO PRAY?"
WHEN WE WHINE
Today, upon a bus,I saw a girl with golden hair, and I wished that I was as fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and wore a crutch. But as she passed, she passed a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have 2 legs, the world is mine.
I stopped to buy some candy. The lad who sold it had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad. If I were late, it'd do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me, I thank you, you've been so kind.
It's nice to talk with folks like you. You see," he said, "I'm blind."
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.
Later while walking down the street, I saw a child with eyes of blue.
He stood and watched the others play. He did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join the others, dear?"
He looked ahead without a word. And then I knew, he couldn't hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have 2 ears, the world is mine.
With feet to take me where I'd go. With eyes to see the sunset's glow.
With ears to hear what I'd know.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.
it's just a simple reminder that we have so-ooooo much to be thankful for!!!
HAVE A BLESSED DAY! And give your best, and the best will come back to you
FHA loan for a client
Everyone who has ever bought a house can enjoy this - it's too good not to share!
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know
that Louisiana was purchased, by the U. S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our @#$^#$@ loan?"
The loan was approved.
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.
1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!) (or strawberry)
13. A long distance phone call.
14. A bubble bath.
16. A good conversation.
17 The beach
18. Finding a 20 note in your coat from last winter.
19. Laughing at yourself.
20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
21. Running through sprinklers.
22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
24. Laughing at an inside joke.
26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
28. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
30. Playing with a new puppy.
31. Having someone play with your hair.
32. Sweet dreams.
33. Hot chocolate.
34. Road trips with friends.
35. Swinging on swings.
36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking your favorite tipple
37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.
38. Going to a really good concert.
39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger
40. Winning a really competitive game.
41. Making chocolate chip cookies.
42. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
43. Spending time with close friends.
44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
45. Holding hands with someone you care about.
46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change
47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
48. Watching the _expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
49. Watching the sunrise.
50. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
Once upon a time, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, " Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" Inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth . . .
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor -
Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God.. "That's United States of America the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests ... The people
from USA are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world - as diplomats, and carriers of peace ...."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God smiled, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Washington D.C."
A man and his
dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it
suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and the dog
walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was
leading them. .....
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. .....
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is heaven, sir" the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend", gesturing toward his dog, "come in too? the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back towards the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. .....
There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. .....
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven." was the answer.
"Well that's confusing." the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven too.
"Oh you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind". ............
Sooooo! sometimes when you wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain :
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes. When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. .....
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes. .
And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke .
So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of the computer wanted to send you a smile....
Have a great day.
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