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"Science may have found a cure for most evils;
but is has found no remedy
for the worst of them all - the apathy of human beings." ~~Helen Keller~~
A Word of Faith...
I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now. But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow.
And as I go along life's way, I'm reaping better than I sowed. I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed.
Haven't got a lot of riches, and sometimes the going's tough. But I've got loving ones all around me, and that makes me rich enough.
I thank God for his blessings, and the mercies He's bestowed. I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed.
I remember times when things went wrong, My faith wore somewhat thin. But all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeped through again.
So Lord, help me not to gripe, about the tough rows I have hoed. I'm drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed.
If God gives me strength and courage, When the way grows steep and rough. I'll not ask for other blessings, I'm already blessed enough.
And may I never be too busy, to help others bear their loads. Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer, 'Cause my cup has overflowed.
When I think of how many people in this world have it worse than I do. I realize just how lucky most of us really are.
Don't be too busy today...Share this inspiring message with friends and family.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures all things.--1 Corinthians 13:7 NLT
The Locked Car
A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. She returned to her car to find she had locked her keys inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter and didn't know what to do. She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse.
The sitter said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God for help.
An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????"
But she was desperate and thankful. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.
She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car."
He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH....You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud,
"THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL
Don't you just hate puns...PHYSICS 101
If you thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was conversion to the metric system,
including all its Newtons, Joules, and Watts, here are more useful conversions:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 pains 1 kiloahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
454 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 milliliters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot.
This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word
for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's
much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like
that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
Christian One Liners
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
He who angers you, controls you!
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.
We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
To make a long sermon short, don't tell it.
The phrase that is guaranteed to wake up an audience: "And in conclusion."
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
Prayer: Don't give God instructions - just report for duty!
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.
We should not change the message but rather the message should change us.
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited, until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
The road to peace starts with a smile.
I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
Outside of traffic, there is nothing that holds this country back as much as committees.
If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
Once upon a time there was a child ready to be born. The child asked God,
"They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"
God replied, "Among the angels, I'll choose one for you. Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."
The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you every day. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?" God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."
"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?" God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."
"I've heard that on Earth there are bad people. Who will protect me?" God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."
"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore." God said,
"Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way to come back to me, even though I will always be next to you."
At that moment there was much peace in heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."
You will simply call her "GRANDMA."
Spotted in a toilet of an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WILL THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office lunchroom:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR; THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
THE VALUE OF UNDIES
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple
who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the
parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed
the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near
the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts
into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully
stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back
into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"
When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK.
telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.
The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
" The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
calling in sick
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.
By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast, when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!
"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the
sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
Fear of Flying
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers (ATC) and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh, shit!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Airspeed, altitude, or brains: Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation: we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, you forgot something.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice given to Royal Air Force pilots during World War II: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavour to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world: It can just barely kill you.
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.......valid for "normal landing too"
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it. Ride the bastard down.
Though I fly through the Valley of Death, I shall fear no evil, for I am at 80,000 feet and climbing. (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating
location in Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron operations desk at Davis-Monthan Air Force Base, Arizona, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good shit. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life
where you get to experience all three at the same time.
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV."
(A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the "glass cockpit" of an A-320).
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
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