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This world is so full of care and sorrow that it is a gracious debt we owe to one another to discover
the bright crystals of delight hidden in somber circumstances and irksome tasks. Helen Keller
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Auburn."
And they say blondes are dumb!!!
"Hey you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop.
The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her twenty-five dollars.
She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her chequebook, should learn of the incident.
Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover, $25."
This has to fall under the "Blonde Joke" title.
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"
Some things you keep.
Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands.
They're good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime that to throw them away would make the garbage man a thief.
So you hang on because something old is sometimes better than something new, and what you know is often better than a stranger.
These are my thoughts. They make me sound old, old and tame and dull at a time when everybody else is risky and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in their lives.
New careers, new thighs, new lips, new cars.
The world is dizzy with trade-ins.
I could keep track, but I don't think I want to.
I grew up in the fifties with practical parents; a mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it - and still does.
A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones. They weren't poor, my parents, they were just satisfied.
Their marriage was good, their dreams focused.
Their best friends lived barely a wave away.
I can see them now, Dad in trousers and tee shirt and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, dishtowel in the other.
It was a time for fixing things - a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress.
Things you keep.
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd always be more.
But then my father died, and on that clear autumn night in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any "more."
Sometimes what you care about most gets all used up and goes away, never to return.
So, while you have it, it's best to love it and care for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick.
That's true for marriage and old cars and children with bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging parents.
You keep them because they're worth it, because you're worth it.
Some things you keep.
Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate you grew up with, there are just some things that make life important...people you know are special...and you KEEP them close!
A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going
to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my
full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely, Your future father-in-law.
P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
Some of our old favorites have been re-released. The following
songs are on a new album called
"Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies."
Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"
Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Steely Dan--"Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs--"Bald Thing"
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a
lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach
pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He said he hadn't. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw
the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.
"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.
"Yes" he replied. "She sells C cells by the seashore."
Hebrew History ---
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a
trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the
name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of
leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her
husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou
can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as
though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said,
"How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums
in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply
telling you which hath the best price. And the
sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.
And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said; "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham.
And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
SHOW AND TELL
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and experience a little public speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed entertainment.
Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
(She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.)
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'". Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour,"Oh, oh, oh!'"
Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning.
"My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in bed like this." (Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
"And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing way. It was too much!)
"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there." Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder just in case another Erica comes along.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
"Please come over here and help me...
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, ... "let's put all these Kellogg Frosted Flakes back in the box."
You might be from the Pacific Northwest if
1. Know the state flower (Mildew)
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
4. Know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" Signal.
8. Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.
9. Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.
10. Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
11. Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and Willamette.
12. Consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
14. In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.
15. Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. Are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks".
18. Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
19. Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
20. Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
21. You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
22. Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
23. Switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
24. Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
25. Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
26. Knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake.
27. Buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.
28. You measure distance in hours.
29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
30. You use a down comforter (or electric blanket!) in the summer.
31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer) Deer & Elk season (Fall).
A group of students was asked to list what they thought were the present Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids
2. Taj Mahal
3. Grand Canyon
4. Panama Canal
5. Empire State Building
6. St. Peter's Basilica
7. China's Great Wall
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one quiet student hadn't turned in her paper yet, so she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help." The girl hesitated, then read,
"I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
1. to see
2. to taste
3. to touch
4. to hear
She hesitated a little, and then added,
5. to feel
6. to laugh
7. and to love
The room was so full of silence you could have heard a pin drop. Those things we overlook as simple and "ordinary" are truly wondrous. This is a gentle reminder that the most precious things in life cannot be bought. God gave them to us.
Keep (I mean SHARE) the faith!
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