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One may go wrong in many different ways, but right only in
Serenity comes not alone by removing the outward causes and occasions of fear, but by the discovery of inward reservoirs to draw upon. Rufus Jones
A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A lady went to the butcher shop looking for a chicken for dinner. She asked the butcher to see his selection. He only had one chicken left but did not disclose this to the lady. He kept the chickens in the bin below the showcase and so he reached down and pulled out his last chicken. He put it on the scale, the lady eyed the weight and asked if he had one a little larger.
"Yes," he replied. He took the chicken and lowered it down to the empty bin, shook it against the side and
brought it back out. This time when he placed it on the scale his trained thumb hung just a little bit on the edge of the scale.
The lady eyed the weight and said, "that is fine, I'll take both of them."
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
12-Step Web Addicts Recovery Program
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime...and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship.
1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this
elevator went to the front of the ship.
2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.
3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"
4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The steward was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin."
5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today."
6. "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"
For those of you who do not know, Bulwer-Lytton wrote The Last Days of Pompeii, which opens with the famous line "It
was a dark and stormy night." Hence the contest. These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest (run by the English Dept of San Jose State University), wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel.
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear
the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick
brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on
the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh
in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS...
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'"
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains
to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist
"YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her "This is just a normal stick
of underarm deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.
"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!
I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!
Scientist at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of jet liners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne birds to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangement were made and a gun was shipped to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and imbedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the design of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make foghorns out of?
If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chilli" if it's hot?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The
guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff he told you."
Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimodo were talking over a picnic lunch.
Hercules says "You know, everyone says I am the strongest mortal on the earth, but I don't know how to prove it.
That bothers me a lot."
Snow White said "You're right! Everyone says I am the fairest, but how can I be sure?"
Quasimodo agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"
Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer. Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."
Hercules says "Great. Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."
The next day, they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules says, "I talked to God, and He says that I am truly the strongest."
Snow White says, "As did I, and I am truly the fairest."
Quasimodo has his head down, leaning on the table and says, "Who the heck is Janet Reno?"
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went."
"You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife. "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Did you see where it went?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns and readers were asked to assign a gender to a noun of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions:
ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.
SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Scrabble. When you rearrange the letters:
GEORGE BUSH - HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY - DIRTY ROOM
DESPERATION - A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE - HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES - CASH LOST IN EM
MOTHER-IN-LAW - WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS - ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT - I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES - THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO - TWELVE PLUS ONE
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar observed the following.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said. "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station; this breathalyzer equipment must be broken. "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
THINGS POLICE OFFICERS WISH THEY COULD SAY...
1. "Just how big were those two beers?"
2. "Your life is not my fault."
3. "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
4. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
5. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
6. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?"
7. "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
8. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I AM the shift supervisor?"
9. "Warning?! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
10. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
11. "Fair?! You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey-poop."
12 "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
13. "I know, I know! Your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center."
14. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
15. "No, I don't believe they should use the electric chair, I think they need to use electric bleachers."
16. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
17. "Life's tough; it's tougher if you're stupid."
18. "In God we trust; all others are suspects.
During training exercises, the lieutenant, who was driving down a muddy back road, encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
"Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Officer: Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
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