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Newlywed Breakfast
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast," said Scott the new husband.
"Toast and juice," Tracy replied.
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A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. 
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband dug out his magnifying
glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.
To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.
He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.
Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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Out of the Loop
Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing.
"Oh, quite well.  We expect he'll be released in the morning."
"Very good, thank you."
"May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?" inquired the nurse.
"This IS Mr. Norton.  The doctors don't tell me anything!"
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An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood . They were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they 'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "finders keepers" and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband quickly interjects, "She's lying!! She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
However, the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. "Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI agents immediately look at each other and say, "Let's get out of here!!"
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When I was younger, I hated going to weddings.  After the wedding and during the reception, my aunts and the grandmotherly types would come up to me and poke me in the ribs, cackling, "You're next."
Finally they stopped, when I started doing the same to them at funerals!
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A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this, 'Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
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Drug Problem
I had a drug problem when I was young.
I was drug to church on Sunday morning,
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather.
I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday.
I was drug to stand in the corner when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think.
They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem,
America would certainly be a better place!
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Old Remedies Work
The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her  next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."  "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that  could possibly help you sleep!"  She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes,  dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks ...  And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While sports fishing off Melbourne Beach, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any 'gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the 'gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beach bum said. "The sharks got 'em."
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Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."
No movie.  Don't need one.  Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
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Answering Machine Classics
11. You have the right to remain silent, if you give up this right, please be aware that anything you say can and will be used to determine whether or not I return your call.
10.  My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9.  Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
8.  This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling....  and I'll think about returning your call.
7.  Hi!  John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6.  Hi.  This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money.  If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5.  A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4.  Hello!  If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3.  Hi.  Now YOU say something.
2.  Hi.  I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message
1.  Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
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Yes, We Have No Chocolate
A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of chocolate,"
"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"
The man says, "V-A-N."
"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."
"OK.  S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."
The man hesitates.  Then he says.  "There is no stink in chocolate."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.
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French Customs
An elderly American arrived at French customs at Paris airport and fumbled for his passport. 
"You have been to France before Monsieur?", the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old man admitted that he had been to France before.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection", snapped the irate official.
The American said, "The last time I was here I did not have to show my passport."
"Impossible, old man!  Everyone always has to show their passports on arrival in France."
The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
"I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D Day in 1944,
there was not one *** Frenchman on the beach asking to see my *** passport."
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A guy was sitting in an airplane headed for Michigan when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.  "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.
"I've been transferred to Flint, Michigan," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs and the highest crime rate in the country."
"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in Flint all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
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Horse Batter
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting line-up. 
The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"
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Cure For Lateness
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.
After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. 
He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. 
After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
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Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died!
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "if either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
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The very first ever Blonde GUY Joke ... and well worth the wait! 
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." 
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." 
The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." 
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. 
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. 
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. 
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" 
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." 
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.    are you ready for it....................  it's worth the wait 
Here it comes.............................. 
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch." 
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Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What did you ask me?

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