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This first item is not a humor item, but a good FYI note........
Google has implemented a new feature where you can type someone's telephone
number into the search bar and hit enter and their name will appear. Then, if
you click on the Map Quest or Yahoo icon shown, you will be given a map to their
If your child gives out his/her phone number, someone can actually now look it up to find out WHERE you live AND get driving instructions to GET there. If you are employed in any position where your "customers or clients" might want to track you down, this enables them to do that. If you purchase a large ticket item and have to give your phone number, this enables someone
to get a good tip on a possible home burglary target. Battered women will have a harder time escaping and beginning a new life, if unaware of how to "fix" this.
Most people would only use this feature for reasonable purposes. My concern is with those people who would not. There are always the scum of society who well know how to manipulate the "system" to achieve their ends. I am concerned about a feature which makes it that much easier for them.
Results are given for both Yahoo and Map Quest, which actually put a star on the house, on the street, if there is an address listed with the public listing.
In order to test whether your phone number is mapped, type your number in the search bar of
http://www.google.com/ with the dashes (eg. 310-XXX-XXX) and hit enter.
If your phone number is not publicly listed, you should be fine, but for those of you wishing to BLOCK Google from divulging your private information click on the telephone icon to the left of your phone after it locates you and you will see a link where you are allowed to REMOVE yourself from Google's database.
Out of the Mouth of Babes.. Prayers by Young Children
Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda
Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
Dear God, If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton -because I hate her. Denise
God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison
Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene
Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan
Dear God, Did you really mean, Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You? If you did then, I'm going to get even with my brother. Darla
Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn
Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nan
Dear God, It's O. K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? Arnold
Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer
Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything you wanted. Jane
Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy
Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
Dear God,You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways before I cross the street. Dean
Dear God, My brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right.What do you say? Marsha
Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara
Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny
Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do for a job. Who does it when you are on vacation? Jane
Dear God, In school we read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday School they said you did it first. Did he steal your idea? Sincerely, Donna
Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles
Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff
Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Carol
Some things we keep...
I grew up in the fifties with practical parents -- a Mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked I it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen, before they had a name for it...
A Father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, dishtowel in the other. It was the time for fixing things -- a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence.
Throwing things away meant there'd always be more. But then my Mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any 'more.' Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So...while we have it...it's best we love it.....and care for it.....and fix
it when it's broken.....and heal it when it's sick.
This is true.....for marriage.....and old cars.....and children with bad report cards.....and dogs with bad hips.....and aging parents.....and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away -- or -- a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special.....and so, we keep them close!
REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SO HARD TO LEARN:
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress.............
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth bleeth?
One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people and not computers and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. Why doesn't BUICK rhyme with QUICK?
It's ok to kiss a fool. It's ok to let a fool kiss you. But never let a kiss fool you.
I've learned....That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned....That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned....That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned....That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned....That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned....That you should never say "no" to a gift from a child.
I've learned....That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned....That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned....That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned....That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned....That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned....That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned....That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned...That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned....That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned....That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned....That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned....That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned....That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned....That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned....That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned....That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned....That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned....That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned....That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
I've learned....That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned....That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned....That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned....That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned....That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned .....That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
I've learned....That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
To all of you... thanks for being a friend!
I am hereby officially tendering, my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So ... here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause.............."Tag! You're it."
Pass this to someone and brighten their day by helping them remember the Simple things in Life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies; they would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Stress reducer; Put a bag on your head. Mark it "closed for remodeling," *Caution -- leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards?
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's Holy light.
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God our King."
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to ! get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy,
I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more!
Now- Have I already sent this to you???????
If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)
The Smilers Editor did not write these, but most are correct.
I live in the Pacific Northwest, west side of mountains.
These were sent to me by a relative living in Southern California.
And I know he could not have written them ! ENJOY
You might be
from the Pacific Northwest if:
1. You know the state flower (Mildew).
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Veneto's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon, and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks."
18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
19. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
20. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
21. You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.
24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
26. You knew immediately that the view out of Frasier's window was fake.
27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.
28. You measure distance in hours.
29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
30. You use a down comforter in the summer.
31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer) Deer & Elk season (Fall).
34. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends in the Northwest or those who used to live here!
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men. Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away. Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry. Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. On the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED! Women's restroom Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. Revolution Books New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington, DC
Guess, for the most part, we are older than dirt!
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country, or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.
I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin, and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least
favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies.
Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a saltshaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor. Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the firewall. Real iceboxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the
ones you were told about! Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
24. Studebakers and Packards
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
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