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When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car. -Author Unknown
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A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this very profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."
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A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
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A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
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Some Great Truths About Life
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
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I have found inner peace; here's how you can, too. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish everything you start. Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.
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The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat &drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
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A hug is a great gift . one size fits all, it can be given for any occasion, and it's easy to exchange
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Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. Proudly, he pulls two out to show his friend. "This is my oldest son. He's a martyr. And here is my second son. He's a martyr, too." There's a pause, and the second Arab says wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
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Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.
"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."
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Things Not To Say On A Date
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
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A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory.
But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.
Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.
Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words:
"TURN THE PART OVER."
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"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
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Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
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Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!!"
To which the parrot replied: "GET HIM, Brutus!!"
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The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:
1. "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any farther."
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A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, it doesn't matter," explained the teacher, "you don't even know what it means."
"I do, so!" Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."
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The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."
"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"
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Truisms... .....
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
Think about this..... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job.
A backyard barbecue draws two things....flies and relatives.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
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LESS FAMOUS PROVERBS (and other interesting expressions)
1. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
3. A day without sunshine is like ... night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
12. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
13. Honk if you love peace & quiet.
14. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
15. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
16. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
17. The 50-50-90 rule: When you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
18. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
19. You can't have everything, where would you put it?
20. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
21. The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.
22. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
23. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
24. I wished the buck! stopped here, as I could use a few.
25. I started out with not hing, and I still have most of it.
26. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head.
"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
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Tough Teacher
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
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A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price.
After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"
The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what took the price up. The farmer need the truck badly, paid the price and went home.
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick."
The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.
The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."
"What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow..........
BASIC COW..............................$500.00
Two tone exterior.........................$45.00
Extra stomach.............................$75.00
Product storing equipment............$60.00
Straw compartment....................$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea.......................$40.00
Leather upholstery......................$125.00
Dual horns...................................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter...................$38.00
fertilizer attachment...................$185.00
GRAND TOTAL.......................$1,233.00
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