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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."
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In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she
bring her dog in for a proper fit.
"I can't do that!" the lady said. "The sweater is a surprise!"
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A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young lad found it and returned it to her.
Looking in her purse, she said, "Hmm, that's funny.  When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy replied, "That IS funny. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
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Ann D. goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Ann walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"
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Blessed Be The Tie
A guy walking in the desert desperately needed a drink.  As he followed the dunes, he came upon another man riding a camel.  He asked the man if he had something to drink.
The man on the camel said "No, but if you like, I have a nice selection of ties.  Would you like to buy one?"
"No!" The first man replied.  "Are you crazy?  I need something to drink, not a tie!"
So the man on the camel rode on, and the walking man continued his slow and very thirsty trek for several days. Finally he came upon a cantina.
He gratefully approached the doorman at the cantina and said, "I'm so glad I made it!  Can I get in and get some water?"
The doorman frowned at him.  "Not without a tie."
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Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment.
"People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
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My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Wear Short Sleeves: Support your right to bare arms...
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
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The Intelligence of a Woman
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"  She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check!"
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Computer Talk - What Your Computer Is Trying To Tell You:
It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error #1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 30 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."
It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back. Kiss your afternoon goodbye..."
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A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard.
He sat down on the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.
The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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Feminist Humor -  Here's most definitely one for the girls!
1.  Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2.  What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?  You shut the door.
3.  If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4.  Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5.  Go for the younger man.  You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6.  Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7.  Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8.  Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9.  Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10.  Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11.  If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12.  The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13.  If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
14.  Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15.  Sadly, all men are created equal.
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Rest are for Blondes...............It's a blonde thing
A Blonde Committing Suicide
One day a blonde decided to commit suicide. So she went into a park and hung herself. A couple minutes later a man walking his dog walked by and saw the blonde hanging from the tree. He asked nicely "What are you doing hanging from that tree with a rope around your waist?"
The blonde answered and said, "I'm hanging myself."
The man told her that the loop of the rope should be around her neck not her waist.
The blonde said, "Well I tried that, but I couldn't breathe
The 7 degrees of blondness
1st Degree
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
2nd Degree
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." She hands it to the second blonde.  The second blonde
looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
3rd Degree
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
4th Degree
A blonde brags about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy W."
5th Degree
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
6th Degree
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch."Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I
swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am, 'the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "There isn't a  tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
7th Degree
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to
respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the
sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

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