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My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.
One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I can write
my name in the dust on the mantel."
Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, I know. That's why I married a college graduate."
Know Your Friends
One day, a little boy visited a doctor for a vaccination. After the doctor gave him an injection, he tried to bandage the boy's arm.
"I think you'd better bandage the other arm, doc!", said the boy.
"But, why? I'm supposed to bandage the injected part of your arm to let your friends know not to touch it."
"Doc, you really don't know anything about how my friends behave!"
Double Talking Dentist
"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.
"Good grief!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
"OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."
"I didn't!" said the dentist.
"That was the echo."
GOLF - A nice walk in the woods chasing a little white ball.
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?
He looked her right in the eye -- and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.
He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were
already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today. Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet.
The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have, is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the
green and two-put for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup.
Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand."
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal." The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday , but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, therefore she has to take the bus.
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief I thought I was a cripple."
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man
I just returned from a mission trip in Belarus, where we were building churches.
My translator and guide was Eger. He told me "Dos-Vee-Don-Ya" and "Pa-Ka" were old-hat. I needed to get with the times and say "good bye" the modern way.
We were designing 7 churches and at the end of the meeting with each one I told them the new phrase I had learned "Val-EE-Et-Suda." I could tell by the look on their faces they were quite impressed with my Russian.
However the very last pastor I met with took me to the side and said, "Robert, why do you keep telling each pastor to "Get Lost" at the end of the meeting?"
When you have an "I hate my job day" try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson". Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a track suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement.
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud 5 times, "I am so glad I do not work for Quality Control at the Johnson and Johnson Company"
Have a nice day and remember, there is always someone with a worse job.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet myself."
The following question appeared in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
One enterprising student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the
skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed, on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics; to resolve the problem it
was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to verbally provide an answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which
the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use.
On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"One, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the
ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 3D 1/2gt squared (height equals half times gravity time
squared). But bad luck on the barometer.
"Two, if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow.
Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.
"Three, if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum,
first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring
force (T = 3D 2 pi sqr root of l over g).
"Four, if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easy to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in
barometer lengths, then add them up.
"Five, if you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure air pressure on the roof
of the skyscraper, compare it with standard air pressure on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of
"Six, since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'I will give you this nice new barometer, if you will tell me the height of this skyscraper.'"
The arbiter re-graded the student with an 'A.'
Questions without answers and Thoughts to ponder! 68 of them ........
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
29. How is it possible to have a civil war?
31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
32. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
38. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
39. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
40. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
41. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
42. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
42. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
43. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
44. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
45. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
46. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
47. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
48. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
49. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
50. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
51. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
52. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
53. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
54. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
55. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
56. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
57. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
58. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
59. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
60. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail
61. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
62. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
63. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
64. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
65. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
66. Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE.
67. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
68. OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
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