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If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Freedom isn't free. Thank a vet for yours!

AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
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SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN FRANCE
February 14, 2003. Today it was reported severe earthquakes
have occurred in 10 different locations in France. The severity
was measured in excess of 10 on the Richter Scale.
The cause was the 56,681 dead American soldiers buried in
French soil rolling over in their graves!
According to the American Battle Monuments Commission there
are 26,255 Yankee dead from World War I buried in 4 cemeteries
in France. There are 30,426 American dead from World War II
buried in 6 cemeteries in France.
These 56,681 brave American heroes died in their youth to liberate
a country which is guilty of shameful unspeakable behavior in the
21st century.
May the United States of America never forget their sacrifice as
we find ways to forcefully deal with the
Godforsaken unappreciative, forgetful, country of France!
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Now here is something you can really sink your teeth into:
1.We took Iraq in less time than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch
Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.
2.It took less time to find evidence of chemical weapons in Iraq than
it took Hillary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.
3.It took Teddy Kennedy longer to call the police after his Oldsmobile
sunk at Chappaquiddick than it took the 3rd Infantry Division and the
Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard.
4.We're going to take Iraq in less time than it took to count the
votes in Florida in the year 2000!
And some (liberal Democrats...) are calling the Iraq effort a failed plan?
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I HATE MY JOB DAY
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get
home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing
and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the
thermometer. Now, carefully place it on the bedside table so that it
will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it
carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement,
"Every rectal thermometer made by
Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:
I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson".
Have a nice day. And remember, there is always someone else with
a job that is worse then yours! "Just remember... things could always
be worse and ONLY YOU can make them better."
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The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told
her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide
as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it
in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night
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An airplane was about to crash;
there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball
player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the
1st pack and left the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former
US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president.
And I am the cleverest woman in American history, so America's
people won't let me die."
So she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the president of
the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the
leader of a superpower nation."
So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year
old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left,
and as a Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute."
The girl said, "It's okay, there is a parachute left for you.
America's cleverest woman has taken my schoolbag."
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Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his
hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Billy"
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions First - whatever happened to your medical
health care plan; Second - why would you run for President after
your husband shamed the office; Third - whatever happened to all
those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?
Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary
points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry"
"And what is your question Larry?"
"I have five questions.
First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan;
Second - why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office;
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when
you left the White House;
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early;
Fifth - what happened to Billy?
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Quotes to Close...
"I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it."
-Mae West
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other."
-Eric Ho
"Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything."
-Frank Dane
"We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope."
--Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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A man walked into a lawyer's office. "How much does your advice cost?" he
asked the lawyer.
"Fifty dollars for three questions, " replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
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Caddy answers to dumb Golfer questions ..........
# 10
Golfer "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9
Golfer "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8
Golfer "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7
Golfer "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy "Eventually."
# 6
Golfer "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5
Golfer "Please stop checking your watch all the time.
It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4
Golfer "How do you like my game?"
Caddy "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3
Golfer "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2
Golfer "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1
Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
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You'll feel smarter after you read these quotes - I know I did.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we
would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why
I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
- Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part
of your life,"
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country,"
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president,"
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it,"
- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians
were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."
- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
- Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
- Lt. Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate.
We simply exclude certain types of people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Keppel Enderbery (who is this person?)
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because
we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you.
You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

....Feeling smarter yet?

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies . not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down
the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the
end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table
had an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they
notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing
they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two
hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now that
the world is weird and people take PROZAC to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. There is a theory that states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre
and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it
takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here
legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as
long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two
days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put
Blockbuster in charge of immigration!!
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The Difference.
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street
when they came upon a homeless person.
The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and
told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty
dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to
another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to
the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office.
He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the
homeless person fifty dollars.
Now do you understand the difference .......
between Republicans and Democrats?
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Would the main cause of men's lying be the fact that women insist
on asking too many questions?
Why is it that when women hold off from marrying men we call it
independence but when men hold off from marrying women we call
it fear of commitment?
Why is it that the average woman would rather have beauty than brains
while the average man can see better than he can think?
Is it true that women who desire to be like men lack ambition?
If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him is he still wrong?
Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
Why do women complain that they must do twice as well as men to be
thought half as good? This shouldn't be that difficult should it?
Why does the man who says it can't be done
always interrupt the woman doing it?
If only one man in a thousand is a leader of men does that mean
the other 999 are followers of women?
Is it true that women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street boldly when they are balding and have a beer gut
and still think they are beautiful?
Is it true that after God created woman he atoned by creating beer?
Do women like silent men because they think they're listening?
Why is it that most of women's problems start with men?
MENestration MENopause MENtal anguish etc.
Do you think that Adam laid the blame on woman the first chance he got?
Why is it that a woman marries a man expecting he will change
but he doesn't and a man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change and she does?
If it takes 100 million sperm to find 1 egg why are women so surprised
when men refuse to ask for directions?
Is it true that a woman enjoys a man's company most when he owns it?
Is it possible that blonds also prefer gentlemen?
Why is it that when men say something and do something else, they 'lied',
but when women do the same thing, they 'changed their mind'?
How come only women know the difference between beige, ecru,
cream, off-white, and eggshell?
Isn't a woman's mind cleaner than a man's since she changes it more often?
If a man's got to do what a man's got to do,
how come a woman has to do what he can't?
How come few women admit their age and few men act theirs?
Why is it that a man wakes up as good looking as when he went
to bed, but a woman somehow deteriorates during the night?
Is a man full of wonder, a wonderful man?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Note: The guy that wrote this is a genius. The letter to the bank below
is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.)
Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check -- with which
I endeavored to pay my plumber -- last month.
By my calculations, some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between
his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary;
an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience that I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents,
for I am restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment
and I know you will be excited and proud.
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form, which I require
your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry that it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance
on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to
my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice service:
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized
Contact
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie":
"Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the
vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost,
which you have always been quick to pass on to me.
Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back to you.
First, there is a matter of advertising material that you send to me.
This I will read -- for a fee of $20 per page.
Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute
of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account -- as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for
the dishonored check -- will be passed back to you.
New phone service runs at 75 cents a minute.
You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)
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