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When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,"
he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write: 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!!"
An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.'
He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.' Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation,
"Removed bowling ball from trunk".
One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.
The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.
"The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."
The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor.
He took one look at my brother and said, "Okay, A minus."
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy.
After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore."
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"Not when I had the ball in my pocket!"
A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work, just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!", he said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!" She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!
He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"
He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack, home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!!"
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
The following is an answering machine message for the Pacific Palisades High School in California. The school and teachers were being sued by parents who wanted their children's failing grades changed to passing grades even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes. This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the actual answering machine message for the school:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!"
I was sitting at a stop light this morning. The lady in front of me was going through papers on the seat of her car, and when the light changed to green she did not obey its command - a green light is a commandment - NOT a suggestion.
When the light turned to red, and she had still not moved, I began (with my windows up) screaming epithets and beating on my steering wheel. My expressions of distress were interrupted by a policeman, gun drawn, tapping on my window. Against my protestations of, "You can't arrest me for hollering in my car," he ordered me into the back seat of his.
After about two hours in a holding cell, the arresting officer advised me I was free to go. I said, "I knew you couldn't arrest me for what I was yelling in my own car. You haven't heard the last of this."
The officer replied, "I didn't arrest you for shouting in your car. I was directly behind you at the light. I saw you screaming and beating your steering wheel, and I said to myself, "What a jerk. But there is nothing I can do to him for throwing a fit in his own car. Then I noticed the 'Cross' hanging from your rear view mirror, the bright yellow 'Choose Life' license tag, the 'Jesus is Coming Soon' bumper sticker, and the Fish symbol and I thought you must have stolen the car."
Top 10 Signs that your Baptism Service is in trouble
10. The Coast Guard has to become involved in some unexpected way.
9. The service is held at "Splash Mountain Water Park."
8. The Pastor has to wear a frogman outfit complete with air tanks into the water.
7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from JAWS.
6. The preacher uses plastic animated Billy the Bass' singing "take me down to the river" instead of the traditional shall we gather at the river.
5. You hear the pastor say, "Oops! Honestly, sister, I didn't know about that drop-off."
4. The pastor can't get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for "Help!"
3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear and packing a cooler.
2. Just as the choir starts to sing, the Crocodile Hunter jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission.
And the Number 1 Sign Your Baptism service is not going as it should....
1. Two Words: Alka Seltzer
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap
Retirement Advice - - Advice for the Retired Husband:
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I under stand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.
My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
[Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause of death
is still under investigation]
A New Insight...
A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the House, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, I spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.
Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw. So I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without
you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house!
Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots.
But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life. Blessings to all my crackpot friends. :-)
"The positive side of life"
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
WARNING! YOU ARE ENTERING THE PUN ZONE. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.
JEST FOR KIDS
Where do cars get the most flat tires? Where there is a fork in the road. (Marcia, 10)
Why was the cowboy a lot of laughs? He was always horsing around..(Kid's Jokes)
Why did the baker stop baking bread? Because he wasn't making enough dough..(Kid's Jokes)
What is a cheerleader's favorite soft drink? Root beer! (Daily Groaner)
What animal keeps the best time ? A watch dog. (Craig, 5)
What did the author do when he caught his dog chewing up the notes for his new novel?
He took the words right out of his mouth. (Lederer & Ertner)
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? A roamin' Catholic (Tash, 15)
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bell….. Take these pills, and if they don't help, give me a ring. (John G. Steen)
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?" "Why? Is it tilted?" (Nekia)
Missouri asked me if she could borrow Mississippi's New Jersey. 'I don't know,' I said. 'Alaska and see what she says.' (Mike Bull)
Somedays you just can't win!
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Screaming Loop, and the Wall of Fear, everything there was Wow!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, Pepsi, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
With one eye opened, she said "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, chances are he'll still get it wrong.
Another trip down Memory Lane
This is oh, so familiar ......If you can't remember you're not old enough yet.
Keep working at it
Remember when all the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
Remember when it took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Remember when nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
Remember when nobody owned a purebred dog?
Remember when a quarter was a decent allowance?
Remember when you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Remember when your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
Remember when all your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
Remember when you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
Remember when laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
Remember when it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
Remember when they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed.......and they did?
Remember when a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car... lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
Remember when no one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Remember lying on your back in the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a ...", and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
And with all our progress...........don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace............and share it with the children of today?
Remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, the
Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
Candy cigarettes Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers Party lines Newsreels before the movie P.F. Fliers Telephone numbers with a word prefix.... (Raymond 4-1601).
Peashooters Howdy Dowdy 45 RPM records Green Stamps Hi-Fi's Metal ice cubes trays with levers Mimeograph paper Beanie and Cecil.
Roller-skate keys Cork pop guns Drive ins Studebakers Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man Reel-To-Reel tape recorders Tinkertoys Erector Sets Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers 5 cent packs of baseball cards..........with that awful pink slab of bubblegum
Penny candy, 25 cent a gallon gasoline
Do you remember a time when...........
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
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