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Smile, Be Happy (this page might help)
This web page is a collection of the "Best Photo's of 2001"
Melanie Is Watching
One day while driving with my then 4-year-old daughter, Melanie, I beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at me for an explanation.
I said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, 'cause you didn't say 'JERK' afterward!"
After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
The US Treasury today announced a recall on West Virginia Quarters.
They have been jamming up the parking meters, vending machines and such.
A spokesman said the West Virginia Quarter is not a successful minting.
They had no idea that duct-tapping two dimes and a nickel together would cause so much trouble.
Lost In Canada
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
Finally they came into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache.
He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law!
Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.
Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.
Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".
Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
Normal: A setting on a washing machine.
Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.
Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.
Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.
Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.
1. Birds of a feather flock together . . . and then crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved . . .is government oversight.
7. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
Ok, I'm the only female in a house full of guys: 4 sons and a hubby.
Toilet seat never down, etc. - you get the picture. Therefore,
I'm the only one who would be using Female products, correct?
A strange thing was happening at my house: tampons were disappearing.
It started a few months ago, when I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was only one left.
I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before.
So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.
The next month (that time of month), I go back to the cupboard and voila!
There is only one tampon left, again!
What is going on here? Gremlins? Total memory failure?
I go to the store, buy another box and try to chalk it up to forgetfulness, but am really wondering, now.
Later in the month, I decide to clean out my two youngest sons' closet and, lo and behold, at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators, and the tampon themselves!
Now I am starting to freak... Dear God, what are they doing with them?!!
I get hold of myself, tell myself that "I am an Adult" and can handle this despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. Wondering, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?"
I go to the stairs and yell to my two youngest sons to "Come Here, RIGHT NOW!!!"
With their usual lack of speed, they finally appear in their room to find me staring into the bottom of their closet.
I firmly, but with control, ask, "What are you doing with THOSE? Those are MINE!"
My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.
My 10 year old looks at me, all innocent, and says, "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. What do YOU use them for?"
"NEVER MIND...GO PLAY!"
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the First time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue...(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)
And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?)
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
(2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
(3) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
(4) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
(5) Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
(6) I'm not a complete idiot--some parts are missing.
(7) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
(8) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
(9) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather . . . not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
(10) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
(11) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
(12) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
(13) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
(14) MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
(15) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)
(16) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up
(17) Procrastinate Now
(18) Rehab Is for Quitters
(19) My Dog Can Lick Anyone
A man in a hot-air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing his altitude, he spotted a woman on the ground below and asked for help.
"Excuse me", he said when she was within earshot. "Can you help me? I don't know where I am and I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago."
The woman looked up at him and said, "Sure, you are in a hot-air balloon, about 30 feet above the ground. Your location is between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
Hearing this, the man in the balloon became irritated. Looking down at her he asked, "Are you a Republican?"
"Yes", she replied. "How did you know?"
"Well", he snapped, "the information you've given me is probably technically correct, but I haven't the foggiest idea what to do with it. I'm still lost, my friend is still waiting for me and frankly you haven't been any help at all."
"Are you a Democrat?" the woman asked. "Yes", he said. "How did you know?"
"Easy", she answered. "You don't know where you are, and you don't know where you're going. You've risen to your present position on a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. Moreover, you're in the same position as when we met, but you've found a way to blame your predicament on me."
A WOMAN was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
THE COP got out of his car and the kid that was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A TRUCK DRIVER was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
THE MAN was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture," the man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man
NEW WORDS FOR 2003 - Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:
1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
18. WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and find suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, we use Windows," replied Peter, "the Titanic only crashed ONCE."
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.
There, he was greeted by George Washington,
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America.
As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged. As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed to the angel at the gates,
"This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
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