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Charlie Daniels' Open Letter to the Hollywood Bunch
http://www.talltexian.com/AmericaForever/id34.htm

"There is a rank due to the United States, among nations, which will be withheld, if not absolutely lost,
by the reputation of weakness. If we desire to avoid insult, we must be able to repel it; if we desire to
secure peace, one of the most powerful instruments of our rising prosperity, it must be known that we
are at all times ready for war." --George Washington
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A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mom, Guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully,
"That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
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Muddy General
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,
"Yours is."
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Why does some snow have holes in it?
10. Think tiny "Snow"-nuts for itty-bitty police-elves.
09. Makes them lighter, so they don't kill people when falling on them.
08. Saves on amount of snow needed per flake, it doesn't grow on trees you know.
07. Prions.
06. Ah grasshopper, the question is; Why are some holes surrounded by snow?
05. Kids always tasting the flakes before they're done.
04. Holy Snow, Christmas. Get it?
03. So they make cool whistling sound as they plummet.
02. Old Man Frost likes to show off his fine motor skills.
01. Snowmen like them that way.
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THE NEW ECONOMY
Here are some revised financial definitions based upon the language of our New Economy.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
NAV - Normal Anderson Valuation.
P/E - Parole Entitlement.
EPS - Eventual Prison Sentence.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the
husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING - The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
DEBIT - Earnings before irregularities and tampering.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
"BUY, BUY"- A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT - Religious guy who talks to God.
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$4000 Hearing
An elderly man inquired of his wife about a recent, large expense.
"Well yes I bought this new hearing aid, dear." his wife replied.
"How much did it cost, dear?," he asked.
"Four thousand dollars," she said.
"Four thousand dollars! Why would you have to pay so much for a hearing aid?", he exclaimed.
"It's a wonderful hearing aid. Why I can hear everything around me. I can make out everything that people are saying around me even from the other side of the room."
"Really? What kind is it?"
"It's five-thirty," she said checking her watch. "Why?"
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The Procrastinator's Creed!!
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
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In My Day
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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Whale Speak
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made.
"For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."
"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.
"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like this:
'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!'
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DON'T ARGUE WITH CHILDREN!!
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.
"Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy mother," she asked,
"is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him.

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor."
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes", the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
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BRAIN TEASER
Exercise of the brain is an important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert.
The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lost it" also applies to the brain.
Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it
or are you still a MENSA candidate.
Ok, relax, clear your mind and ..... begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines
fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on
a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time
and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors
East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then
how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people
get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four
get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three
people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and
three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answers
1. Bread.
2. Cows drink water.
3. Greenhouses are made from glass.
4. You don't, of course, bury survivors.
5. One degree.
6. Answer: Oh, for heaven's sake! It was YOU! Read the first line!!!
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Quotes .......
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
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Child Support
DIVORCED FATHER: "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face.
"Later...
DAUGHTER: "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."
DIVORCED MOTHER: "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father...... then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die. In the rain. Alone.
ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX - It was a historical inevitability.
BILL GATES - I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
GEORGE W. BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.
The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
RALPH NADER -The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been
polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of
a gas-guzzling SUV.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
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ALL ABOUT KIDS
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?"
Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!"
God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did to!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that
Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY!
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
TAKE THE ADVICE ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
You've gotta admit there's some wisdom here.
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Maybe you've seen this one...S I G N S !
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Raphael, at your cervix."
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station, "Tank heaven for little grills."
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
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Sometimes, we wonder "What did I do to deserve this", or "Why did God have to do this to me". Here is an explanation!!!
A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong. She's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake. She asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."
"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.
"Yuck" says her daughter.
"How about a couple of raw eggs?"
"Gross, Mom!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
"Mom, those are all yucky!"
To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!
God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.
Hope your day is a "piece of cake!"
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Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2003 KENTUCKY EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of KENTUCKY.
If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands.
The KENTUCKY EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads:
WINDERS 2003, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed in front of a barn with a beautiful million dollar racehorse. Please also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up
CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN KENTUCKY EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did
Also note that the KENTUCKY EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2003:
Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused.
If you received a copy of the KENTUCKY EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
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