Posted Wednesday October 09, 2002 06:37:27 PM -0700
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What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon?  A sour puss.

Not Up to It.... I cannot imagine anything worse than being old..... How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV. So last week, when the Mayor suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that.
I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and whom, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself. I baked a batch of brownies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day. When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond.
"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."
Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some brownies..."
"Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!"
I continued "...and just thought we'd visit a while. But that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady."
Don't bother," he said. Gran's not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (At which house??) that she had an appointment for a tint job."
So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital, working in the gift shop. I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China. I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; he was on his honeymoon.
I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don't think I'm up to it..
(This all reminds me of my brother, putting in 50 hrs. per week building houses for Habitat for Humanity, yesterday we found him on the top of a new house putting roofing..............oh, that's right he's only 76.

It is now time to face the fact that English is a crazy language -- the most loopy and wiggy of all tongues. In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway? In what other language do people play at a recital and recite at a play?  Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?  Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Why does a man get a hernia and a woman a hysterectomy?  Why do we pack suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Why do privates eat in the general mess and generals eat in the private mess?  Why do we call it newsprint when it contains no printing but when we put print on it, we call it a newspaper? Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists? Why -- in our crazy language -- can your nose run and your feet smell?" --Richard Lederer

An elderly Texas lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropper her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!  Get out of the car, you scumbags!"  The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car, which looked just like the car she had mistaken for hers, parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant, to whom she told the story, nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair, carrying a large handgun.  No charges were filed. Ah, senior moments.

14 Things PMS Stands For
1.)  Pass My Shotgun
2.)  Psychotic Mood Shift
3.) Perpetual Munching  Spree
4.) Puffy Mid-Section
5.) People Make me Sick
6.) Provide Me with Sweets
7.) Pardon My  Sobbing
8.) Pimples May Surface
9.) Pass My  Sweatpants
10.) Pissy Mood Syndrome
11.) Plainly;  Men Suck
12.) Pack My Stuff
13.) Permanent Menstrual Syndrome (common after menopause)
and the  best...
14.) Potential Murder Suspect

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called,
"What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him.  "We put sugar and cream on ours."

If she (a Blonde?) had killed herself, she'd be a shoe-in for the Darwin Award. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less, I needn't hold my tummy in to wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I've set my body free; There's comfort of elastic Where once my waist would be.
Inventor of those high-heeled shoes My feet have not forgiven; I have to wear a nine now, But used to wear a seven.
I need to wear these glasses As the print's been getting smaller; And it wasn't very long ago I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to gray and my skin no longer fits, On the inside, I'm the same old me, It's the outside's changed a bit.
But, on a positive note...I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with Your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands.
You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Indubitably, Innovative, Preliminary, Proliferation, Cinnamon.
Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
Specificity, Cogito ergo sum, British, Constitution,Passive-aggressive disorder, Loquacious, Transubstantiate.
Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex, Nope, no more booze for me, Sorry, but you're not really my type, Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't-no one wants to hear me sing!

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' Mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' Father's name was?"
Another child said, "The Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The little one said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."

The Weathered Old Barn -  Author Unknown
A stranger came by the other day with an offer that set me to thinking. He wanted to buy the old barn that sits out by the highway. I told him right off he was crazy. He was a city type. You could tell by his clothes, his car, his hands, and the way he talked. He said he was driving by and saw that beautiful barn sitting out in the tall grass and wanted to know if it was for sale. I told him he had a funny idea of beauty. Sure, it was a handsome building in its day. But then, there's been a lot of winters pass with their snow and ice and howling wind. The summer sun's beat down on that ole' barn till all the paint's gone, and the wood has turned silver gray. Now the old building leans a good deal, looking kind of tired. Yet, that fellow called it beautiful.
That set me to thinking. I walked out to the field and just stood there, gazing at that old barn. The stranger said he planned to use the lumber to line the walls of his den in a new country home he's building down the road. He said you couldn't get paint that beautiful. Only years of standing in the weather, bearing the storms and scorching sun...only that can produce beautiful barn wood. It came to me then. We're a lot like that, you and
I. Only it's on the inside that the beauty grows with us. Sure, we turn silver gray, too... and lean a bit more than we did when we were young and full of sap. But the Good Lord knows what He's doing. And as the years pass He's busy using the hard wealth of our lives, the dry spells and the stormy seasons, to do a job of beautifying our souls that nothing else can produce. And to think how often folks holler because they want life easy!
They took the old barn down today and hauled it away to beautify a rich man's house. And I reckon someday you and I'll be hauled off to Heaven to take on whatever chores the Good Lord has for us on the Great Sky Ranch. And I suspect we'll be more beautiful then for the seasons we've been through here... and just maybe even add a bit of beauty to our Father's house.

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.  Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again.  "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied.  "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.  Please tell me what your name is."      Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,  "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?"  She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped, then things get worse.

Men are like.....Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like.....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like.....Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like....Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers. you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Crystal. Some look real good, but you can still see right through them.

What is globalization, one may ask.
Well, below here is probably the best example on the definition of globalization.
Question : What is the height of globalization? Answer : Princess Diana's death
Question : How come?
Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!
And this is sent to you by a Lebanese (American), using Bill Gates' technology which he stole from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that use Philippine-made chips, and Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally sold to you by a Chinese! That's Globalization!!!

Finally Something Funny
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown
2) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
3) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house," --Rod Stewart
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
5) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone
6) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan O'Brien
7) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson
8) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
9) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
10) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
11) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
12) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
13) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased
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