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My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
"The total sum of wealth is all that money cannot buy, and all that death cannot take away."
If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Three little words that eliminate telephone soliciting:
See the last entry on this page..............

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.
The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.
"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key."
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We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said.
"In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?"
While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."
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Baseball Basics
At one point during a game, the baseball coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother"
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House Call
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.
The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle.
He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."
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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said,
"No, you have another 43 years,two months and eight days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?
Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"
God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you."
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TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night". Age 5
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. Age 48
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 90
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
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Big Business
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off ."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
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MISINTREPRETATIONS OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS
I remember my father-in-law loved to sing "The Old Rubber Cross."
When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses."
When I was a child, I learned this prayer as "Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name." I always thought that was God's real name.
When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.
My mother spent her early childhood praying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."
My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."
I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."
When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag and to the republic for Richard Stands."
When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius
Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
I was a little girl when we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was "And the rains came down, and the floods came
up." We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, "And the
rains came down, and the spuds came up."
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he
tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
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For those in the Ya-Ya sisterhood:
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8) Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
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The Perks of Being Over 50...(or is it 60?)
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this
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SOMEBODY SAID
Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby; somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, normal is history.
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct; somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said being a mother is boring; somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good"; somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.
Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices; somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother; somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.
Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first; somebody doesn't have five children.
Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books; somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery; somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten or on a plane headed for military "boot camp"
Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back; somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married; somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home; somebody never had grandchildren.
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her; somebody isn't a mother.
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THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL RESUMES AND COVER LETTERS
AND WERE PRINTED IN FORTUNE" MAGAZINE (w/ ORIGINAL SPELLING)
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3 "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I've never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get &! nbsp; to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE
APPRAISALS OR O.E.R.s (OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS)
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural deselection. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
9. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
10. Fell out of the family tree.
11. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
12. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
13. He's so dense, light bends around him.
14. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
15. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
16. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
17. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
18. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
19. One neuron short of a synapse.
20. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
21. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
22. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
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Three little words that eliminate telephone soliciting:
I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telephone solicitors weren't able to call people at home during dinner hour, but that doesn't make it any more pleasant.
Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has proposed Three Little Words, based on
his brief experience in a Tele-marketing operation that would stop the nuisance for all time.
The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make
each Tele-marketing call so much more time-consuming that sales boiler rooms would grind to a halt.
When you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back
and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible.
This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.
Since doing this, our phone calls have decreased dramatically.

Another Good Idea:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment; let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?
Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.
Send a pizza coupon to Citibank.
If you didn't get anything else that day then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!
Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail.
Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and the best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again.
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