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Remember lightning bugs?
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks,
"What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady.
This one's yours." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer.
You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.
(Just means you get to take two weeks vacation, right?)
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you,
"So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
WHEN DRUGS ARE A GOOD THING"....
I had a "drug" problem when I was a young person. I was "drug" to church on Sunday morning.
I was "drug" to church on Sunday night, and I was "drug" to church on Wednesday night.
I was "drug" to Sunday School; I was "drug" to vacation Bible school and "drug" to the family altar to pray.
I was also "drug" to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card or did not speak with respect.
Those "drugs" are still in my veins, and they affect my behavior in nearly everything I do and say and think.
They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin.If more children had this "drug" problem, America would certainly be a better place.
Thank goodness your car doesn't run on water
You Think A Gallon Of Gas Is Expensive?
Makes one think, and puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ......... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ....... $ 9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ............. $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ........... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ......... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .......... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ............... $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ................. $84.48 per gallon
this is the REAL KICKER......
Evian water 9 oz for $1.49 ........$21.19 per gallon.
$21.19 FOR WATER! ....
But then again EVIAN spelled backwards is naive.
So, the next time! you're at the pump, be glad your car
doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid,
PEPTO BISMOL or NYQUIL!!!!
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...
Last year I replaced several windows in my house.
They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows.
This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work
has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did we go 'round and 'round. I told him no one pulls a fast
one on this old lady. Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde,
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid!
I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me when I bought them
last year; that "in one year they would pay for themselves!"
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening."Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Loren's Law of Mechanical Repair.
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lowery's Law of Repair
Interchangeable parts aren't.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and force.
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Lane's Law of Supply and Demand.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Cannon's Karmic Law
The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
Martin's Law of Meteorology
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Norman Einstein's Law
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
Col. Murphy's Law of Combat
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
Machines should work. People should think.
IBM's Pollyanna Principle.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Law of Probable Dispersal
Picking on Lawyers
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said,
"A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record,
and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine,
but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more!
Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back,
affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel,
"Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
A lawyer awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
"Why are all the blinds closed?" he asked the doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street,
and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
A mother writes...
My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.
Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today, The "Children's Bill of Rights."
It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like, get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me, my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division, better known as C.S. D.
Of course my first instinct was To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D. who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned so I'll decide what's best.
I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine.
He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?
"Sorry, but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room, you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights," It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying, why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C.S.D..?
Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house..........and left it there all night.
Any of this sound familiar??????
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught! me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
A LETTER FROM MAMA
This is yo Mama. I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the housenumbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.John locked his keys in the car yesterday! . We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much has happened.
Helpful Household Hints
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
A metaphor for today!
A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain?
He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap!
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house."
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house."
"I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray; be assured that you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap; am I in grave danger, Duh?"
So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the farmer's mouse trap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.
In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital.
She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.
So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
The Night Watchman
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
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