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One day I was reading a newspaper. On page two was a picture of a famous
politician and his gorgeous wife.
Slightly jealous of the politician, I turned to my wife and said, "It's unfair that the biggest jerks in the world catch the most beautiful wives."
My wife smiled and replied, "Why, thank you dear."
While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person.
"How does that thing work?" she asked.
As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed.
"I see.. it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him too!"
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said.
"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
There were two fellows working for the City Council. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest. One guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the bloke who plants the trees is sick today......"
You know you are living in 2003 when .........
1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price you paid.
7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave!
10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. (DSL or cable modem solves this problem!)
15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this to!
Dad and Baby
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29. She said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward."
"$4.83?? For a $4.29 meal?? That's 54 cents tax!? That can't be right," my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville, Alabama and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max.
I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. Someone
did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago.
I didn't have my calculator watch (I lost it a while back) so I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me. Let's see ... 483/429 ... over 12 percent tax!? When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said "what's the sales tax in Huntsville?" She didn't know. I said "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax. That can't be right. Can I talk to the manager?" She gave me my change and called the manager.
So the manager comes over. I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville, and she says 8 percent. I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that's over 12 percent sales tax.
She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size (biggie upgrade was 35 cents - which would be 4.64 plus tax which would put it over $5). She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change.
"HA!" I thought to myself. "Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me!"
So what did this mathematical wizard do next? I took the twenty cents she handed me, proud of my staggering genius,
and smugly drove off without my food.
A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a....?
"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother."
"We don't list 'mother' as an occupation... 'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically.
I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
"Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."
"What is your occupation? She probed.
What made me say it, I do not know... The words simply popped out.
"I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations."
The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?"
Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out.)
I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree.?.) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money."
There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants - ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt triumphant! I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another mother."
Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations" and great grandmothers Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!!
I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants".
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.
First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked.
"Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't!
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh- why-is-the-room spinning medicine.
14) The trouble with life is there's no background music.
15) God must love stupid people; he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
22) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.
23) Want to get rich quick ? Count your blessings...
Late For Work
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and aware that all eyes were upon him said,
"I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. I nearly killed myself."
His boss replied skeptically, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
John was tasked with taking the Christmas decorations up to the attic for another year's storage. During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind.
His wife heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?"
"I just fell down the stairs," he explained.
She rushed into the room, "Anything broken?!"
"No, no, I'm fine."
There was just a slight pause before his loving wife said, "No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?"
A man walked into a shoe store, and tried on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asked the sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replied the man.
The assistant promptly bent down and had a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk said.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
THIS WOULD (could???) BE A TYPICAL MAN!
Some man kept getting all these "rules from the woman's side" emails so he figured it was time for a "rules from the man's side" email. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" for a reason!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Saturday = Sports
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us look. It doesn't hurt anyone, to look. And for us, it's genetic.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will believe you.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together.No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse word. Those that weren't curse words were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chickens did?
After the 1993 World Trade Center bombing which killed six and injured 1,000, President Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.
After the 1995 bombing in Saudi Arabia which killed five U.S. military personnel, Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.
After the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing in Saudi Arabia which killed 19 and injured 200 U.S. military personnel, Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.
After the 1998 bombing of U.S. embassies in Africa which killed 224 and injured 5,000, Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.
After the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole which killed 17 and injured 39 U.S. sailors, Clinton promised that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.
Maybe if Clinton had kept his promise, an estimated 3,000 people in New York and Washington, D.C. that are now dead would be alive today. And, now that Bush is taking action to bring these people to justice, we have opponents charging him with being a war monger.
AN INTERESTING QUESTION:
This question was raised on a Philly radio call-in show. Without casting stones, it is a legitimate question.
There are two men, both extremely wealthy. One develops relatively cheap software and gives billions of dollars to charity. The other sponsors terrorism. That being the case, why was it that the Clinton Administration spent more money chasing down Bill Gates over the past eight years than Osama bin Laden?
Hillary gets $8 million for her forthcoming memoir. Bill gets about $12 million for his memoir yet to be written. This from two people who have spent the past 8 years being unable to recall anything about past events while under oath!
This humor web site will keep you in stitches for hours.
Lots of graphics that load slow on my 26,400 modem
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