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California Governor Davis plans to reduce the deficit by eliminating
administrative costs. One method is to combine the Dept. of Fish & Game with the
Highway Patrol under one leader. The merged agency will be known as Fish &
Chips.
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical
students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia
are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was
about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a
thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Youdon't
want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?"asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She
made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try
carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time " the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take "her" 20 minutes to make
breakfast, and now "I" do it in seven."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Clips
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription
bottles in the typewriters.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she
could play it in the afternoon.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training.
Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other
side.
How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow stepped on her.
How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for French fries.
Why do blondes have more fun? They are easier to amuse.
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes.
Did you hear about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? She missed.
What is it when a blonde blows into another blondes ear? Data transfer.
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? Because she read that
one child out of every four born was Chinese.
Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? She wanted everyone to know that
she was able to make up her mind.
Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs? She
needed them for the darkroom she was building.
Why are the Japanese so smart? No blondes.
What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? You get to park in the
Handicapped Zone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOP 10 REASONS FARM TRUCKS ARE NEVER STOLEN
#10. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run
out of gas.
# 9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
# 8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes,
chains, syringes, buckets, boots, and loose papers in the cab.
# 7. It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out
floor board clouds your vision.
# 6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
# 5. They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: the
driver's side door is red, the passenger side is green, the right front fender
is yellow, and etc. etc.
# 4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being
chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct
tape.
# 3. Top speed is only about 45 m.p.h.
# 2. Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints,
$3,000 in body work, tail lights and a windshield.
# 1. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Baptism
The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he observed
very closely the ordinance of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested in
it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.
The kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat
rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got away. With
considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she
acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face.
Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the
floor in disgust and said: "Fine, just be a Methodist."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PAYBACK
A woman arrived at the gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for St.Peter to
greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all
the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and
began
calling greetings to her.
"Hello, how are you!" "We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"
When St. Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place!
How do I get in?!"
You have to spell a word," St. Peter told her.
"Which word?" she asked.
"Love," replied St. Peter.
The woman correctly spelled "Love," and St. Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, St. Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates
of Heaven for him that day.
While she was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised
to see you," the woman said "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.And
then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in
and bought a huge mansion. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were
on vacation in Cancun, and I went water skiing today and fell and hit my head,
so here I am!"
"What a bummer!" she replied.
"How do I get in?" he asked.
"You have to spell a word," she replied.
"What word?" he asked.
"Czechoslovakia," she replied.
MORAL: Never make a woman angry.....there will be Hell to pay later!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BUMPER STICKERS
Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle on life... but it broke off
Guys... just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people "Everybody But
Me."
Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind wander... It is too small and fragile to be out by
itself.
Hang up and drive!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Signs Found In The Kitchen
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.
Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.
It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be
amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal
lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work
in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours,
which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from
zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the
backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating
technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing
to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly
and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery
operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout
the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain
in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately
surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on
a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you
die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if
you play your cards right. Forward this on to all the moms you know, in
appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, and let them know they are
appreciated!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
who voted for them??????
The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C. travel
agent of 30+ years:
I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat on the airplane so
that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started
to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she
interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in
Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like! the stupid one, I calmly
explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response
...(click).
A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I
asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in
the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and
Florida is a very thin state!!!"
I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England
from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car
in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a
one-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he
said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between
the gates to save time.! "
An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was
possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at
8:33am.
I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could
not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
very fast, and she bought that!
A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
I said, "No,! why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I
think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked
into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for
Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on
her luggage.
A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going
over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and
then take the train to Hawaii?"
I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know
which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied,
"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers
on them."
A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to
get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to
Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in
order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded
him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never
had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a
visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and
every time they have accepted my American Express!"
A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from
Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the
agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in
the
country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh don't be silly!
Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the
state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's
it! I knew it was a big animal", she admitted!!!
Now you know why our government is in the shape that it's in!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SENIOR TO A SENIOR
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a
tree when one turns to the other and says, "Sam, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Sam says, "Well, I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really!? Like a baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Long Flight
Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the first guy
turned to the second and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, took off his
glasses and said to the first guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the first guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said the second guy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes
little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps
of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the first guy. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said the second guy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know crap?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.
He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund
starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is
lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with
the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep
trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard
is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard
halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks
away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund
nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured
that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills
the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my
back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers,
pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to
hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago
to bring me another leopard."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SLY OLD FARMER
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a pond in the
back forty -- had it fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
basketball court, etc.
The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer
decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it
over.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he
came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He
made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end of the
pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make
you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators."
Moral of the story:
Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill any time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cuttingboard
with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw
sometimes too, but I can't remember ever getting E-coli.
As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Our baby cribs, toys and rooms were painted with bright colored lead-based
paint. We often chewed on the crib, ingesting the lead paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we
rode our bikes we had no helmets.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.
We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.
We played with toy guns, cowboys and Indians, army, cops and robbers, and used
our fingers to simulate guns when the toy ones or a BB gun was not available.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were never
overweight; we were always outside playing.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had
to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others or didn't work hard so they failed a
grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. That generation produced some
of the greatest risk-takers and problem solvers.
We had the freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to
deal with it all.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a
pristine pool (talk about boring), the term cell phone would have conjured up a
phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top
Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with
air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how
much safer we are now.
Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much
harder than gym.
Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the halls
with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot.
How much better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the
school system.
Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and staying in detention
after school caught all sorts of negative attention for the next two weeks.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. I can't understand it.
Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known
what either was anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin and cough
syrup if we started getting the sniffles.
What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a
hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be
proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo,
X-box, E-mail, or 270 digital cable stations.
I must be repressing that memory, as I try to rationalize through the denial of
the dangers that could have befallen us, as we trekked off each day about a mile
down the road to some guy's vacant lot, built forts out of branches and pieces
of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger.
What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot?
He should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property,
complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee
sting? I could have been killed!
We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites
and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome and
then we got spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day
dose of a $49+ bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the
contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a
threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got
spanked (physical abuse) here too... and then we got spanked again when we got
home.
Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down the
dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks. (Remember why
Tonka trucks were made tough...it wasn't so that they could take the rough
carpet in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.
Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that I
nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two-week
vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us in
when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.
Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I didn't even know that mowers
came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop
or an auto-drive.
How sick were my parents? Of course my parents weren't the only psychos.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next-door coming over and doing his tricks on the
front stoop just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have
owned our house? Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a
goof.
It was a neighborhood run amuck. To top it off, not a single person I knew had
ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly
have known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management
classes?
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice
that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we survive?
What do you mean frozen meat all we had was an "ice box" . We didn't even have
flush toilet!! We did survive!
We had two wood stoves in the house and one oil burner to keep warm in the
winter.
Sometimes we wrapped an old steel flat iron in newspaper to put by our feet at
night tokeep warm.
You're, right things are not the same.
The ACLU is killing off Christmas. The NAACP teaches the finer arts of
meaningless lawsuits as taught to them by the ACLU. Oh yes. Marin County and the
anything for a buck Media types destroyed Halloween for one and all. Despite
efforts of police, the court system has now made it impossible to simply go for
a stroll down a city sidewalk at night anymore by dumping felons and drug
pushers with rap sheets like a New York telephone book out the revolving door to
make certain that their Civil Rights aren't bruised.
Iodine on Chicken Pox and Castor Oil for most anything, along with chicken soup
did wonders when I was a kid. Mercurochrome came later. A loose tooth got the
tied string treatment AT HOME. Vacant lots were also used to play coachless
baseball in street clothes (think about that one). (hint - baseball was for fun
back then). I remember playgrounds in parks that children actually played in.
Things like merry-go-rounds, Jungle Jims, teeter-totters, slides and swings.
Today, I see artistic wooden or plastic contraptions of great cost that just sit
there without kids playing with them unless some Mom dragged them out to
supervise. That is mostly because Mom and Pop don't trash their mindless
electronic toys and boot their lazy butts outside to play and fend for
themselves anymore. Lord have mercy! Kids having to actually invent things like
games and such using their own imaginations? Perish the thought! Toys Am Usens
would have a fit! There's no profit in that. How foolish of me.
I remember when the sun going down signaled that time to go home again. High
noon meant being close enough to home to hear Mom calling for lunch. I never
spotted poisoned candy or razors in any apples when I went out trick or treating
either. I just enjoyed the bounty. For the last few years, we armed ourselves
with candy aplenty for the trick or treaters. Nowadays, with chickrnshit parents
only accompanying them to sterile and safe malls (which is a convenient way of
them to advertise their products), we may hear the doorbell twice. Maybe. I call
parents of today that, because they do not have the trust or confidence in their
own children to take care of themselves anymore. Like WE did. Thanks to the
scare tactics of news reporters looking to sell some products on TV, and those
alarmists that thrive on attention.
Well we've allowed ourselves quite a mess today, haven't we?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What follows is the statement made by U.S. Judge William Young on Friday as
he sentenced Al Queda shoe bomber Richard Reid to life in prison:
-------------------
"This is the sentence that is provided for by our statutes. It is a fair and a
just sentence. It is a righteous sentence. Let me explain this to you.
We are not afraid of any of your terrorist co-conspirators, Mr. Reid.
We are Americans. We have been through the fire before. There is all too much
war talk here. And I say that to everyone with the utmost respect.
Here in this court where we deal with individuals as individuals, and care for
individuals as individuals, as human beings we reach out for justice.
You are not an enemy combatant. You are a terrorist. You are not a soldier in
any war. You are a terrorist. To give you that reference, to call you a soldier
gives you far too much stature. Whether it is the officers of government who do
it or your attorney who does it, or that happens to be your view, you are a
terrorist.
And we do not negotiate with terrorists. We do not treat with terrorists. We do
not sign documents with terrorists. We hunt them down one by one and bring them
to justice.
So war talk is way out of line in this court. You're a big fellow. But you're
not that big. You're no warrior. I know warriors. You are a terrorist. A species
of criminal guilty of multiple attempted murders.
In a very real sense Trooper Santiago had it right when first you were taken off
that plane and into custody and you wondered where the press and where the TV
crews were and you said you're no big deal. You're no big deal.
What your counsel, what your able counsel and what the equally able United
States attorneys have grappled with and what I have as honestly as I know how
tried to grapple with, is why you did something so horrific. What was it that
led you here to this courtroom today? I have listened respectfully to what you
have to say. And I ask you to search your heart and ask yourself what sort of
unfathomable hate led you to do what you are guilty and admit you are guilty of
doing.
And I have an answer for you. It may not satisfy you. But as I search this
entire record it comes as close to understanding as I know.
It seems to me you hate the one thing that to us is most precious. You hate our
freedom. Our individual freedom. Our individual freedom to live as we choose, to
come and go as we choose, to believe or not believe as we individually choose.
Here, in this society, the very winds carry freedom. They carry it everywhere
from sea to shining sea. It is because we prize individual freedom so much that
you are here in this beautiful courtroom. So that everyone can see, truly see
that justice is administered fairly, individually, and discretely.
It is for freedom's sake that your lawyers are striving so vigorously on your
behalf and have filed appeals, will go on in their, their representation of you
before other judges. We care about it. Because we all know that the way we treat
you, Mr. Reid, is the measure of our own liberties.
Make no mistake though. It is yet true that we will bear any burden; pay any
price, to preserve our freedoms.
Look around this courtroom. Mark it well. The world is not going to long
remember what you or I say here. Day after tomorrow it will be forgotten. But
this, however, will long endure. Here, in this courtroom, and courtrooms all
across America, the American people will gather to see that justice, individual
justice, justice, not war, individual justice is in fact being done.
The very President of the United States through his officers will have to come
into courtrooms and lay out evidence on which specific matters can be judged,
and juries of citizens will gather to sit and judge that evidence
democratically, to mold and shape and refine our sense of justice.
See that flag, Mr. Reid? That's the flag of the United States of America.
That flag will fly there long after this is all forgotten. That flag still
stands for freedom. You know it always will.
Custody, Mr. Officer. Stand him down!
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