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How Smart Are You? Here is a simple test.
http://www.dur.ac.uk/t.m.jackson/intelligentietest.htm

Four old men were out golfing.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
"Just bethankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
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It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a mess about having "In God We Trust" on our money, and having God in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to be quiet and sit down????
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Roe vs. Wade
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said,
"That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
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Brilliant Valuable Hints
Gardening Rule: When weeding your garden, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it come out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental floss prevents moral decay.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of, thinking.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically
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Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding.
My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the
ceremony.
Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."
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NEWS FLASH: OLE DIED
To those in North Dakota, Minnesota and for that matter the rest of the country, including Canada, I must report the Sad News that Ole was SHOT .
He was up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some rangers looking for terrorists spotted him.
According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a loudspeaker, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"
Ole is survived by his wife Lena and Lena's good friend Lars
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INNER PEACE
I am passing this on to you because it is definitely working for me.
I think I have found inner peace.
I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to FINISH things I had started.
Today I finished a bag of potato chips, a cherry pie, a fifth of Jack Daniel's, a small box of chocolate candy and slapped the hell out of two people I don't like. I feel better already.
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A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1,000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
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New Survivor Show
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Oregon is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Oregon Style".
The contestants will start in Roseburg, travel to Eugene, Salem, Portland, over to the coast and down to Coos Bay and on to Klamath Falls.
They will then proceed up to Crater Lake and on to Diamond Lake and backtrack to Chemult. From there, they will proceed to Pendleton through Burns and John Day and over again to Portland, down I-5 to Salem and finally back to Roseburg.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads
“I am gay, I am a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait sucks, Hillary in 2004, protect the spotted owl, and I am here to confiscate your guns".
The first one to make it back to Roseburg alive wins.
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New Virus Alert
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is a virus out there called the C-nile Virus that even the most advanced programs from Norton cannot take care of, so be warned, it appears to affect those who were born before 1960!
Symptoms of C-nile Virus:
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you have completely finished the
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Red Skeleton's Tips for a Happy Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
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Animal Thoughts
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? I DON'T THINK SO!"
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
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Andy Rooney on "women over 40"!
Andy Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If an older woman doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.
An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
An older woman couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.
An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
ANDY ROONEY
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused,"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers.... 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So....I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she...."
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George Carlin's View on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21! YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk.
He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards;
"I was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.
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U.S. Secretary Defense Donald Rumsfeld apologized today for referring to France and Germany as an "Axis of Weasels."
"I'm sorry about that Axis of Weasels remark," said Mr. Rumsfeld. "I didn't mean to dredge up the history France and Germany share of pathetic compliance with ruthless dictators."
The Defense Secretary said he was "way out of bounds" with the comments. "I should have known better than to remind people that these two nations-which live in freedom thanks only to the righteous might of America, Britain and their allies-that these nations are morally and politically bankrupt, and have failed to learn the lessons of history," he said.
"It really was an inappropriate thing to say-you know, the Axis of Weasels thing. I really should not have called them the Axis of Weasels. I think it's the 'Weasels' part that was most offensive...you know, when I said that France and Germany form an Axis of Weasels. Of course, I'm so sorry."
The Defense Secretary continued, "I want it to be known that no other man holds the weasel in as high a regard as I do, and I'll be the first to point out the crucial role this noble creature plays in our ecosystem. I went way over the line comparing the weasel to a bunch of rude, unwashed, leftist Euroweenie surrender monkeys who change their underwear once a month whether they need to or not. And I just did it again, didn't I? I just insulted the monkeys. I'm quitting while I'm ahead."
Bulletin: The French Government issued an indefinite ban on fireworks after soldiers at a nearby French army garrison surrendered during last week's fireworks display at Euro Disney.
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