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A fun web page with some funny graphics - enjoy at:
http://www.squirtsplace.com/miscfun/LittleBittyCutePets.swf
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Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives. -William Dement
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THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman... neither works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is awhole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
AND FINALLY After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
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Parenting Tip
Mary Siegel was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!!
Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said.
"I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"
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The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.
He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The nav replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the nav replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
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Positively Wrong
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."
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There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we can be short on oil here in the USA.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for this is purely geographical. All the oil is in Oklahoma,Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, Alaska, etc.
And all the dipsticks are in Washington DC.
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It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
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The Half Cake Diet
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
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CALIFORNIA BUDGET CRUNCH
The Davis Administration announced today, amid concerns of the State's deepening budget crisis, that two major state agencies will be combined to reduce administrative costs. Effective February 1st, 2003, the California Highway Patrol and the California Department of Fish & Game will be merged to form the new California Department of Fish & CHiPs
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Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break.
"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."
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Did you ever stop and think about Van Gogh's relatives? This will enlighten you.
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt....................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes...............Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle..................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.............Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white................Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ...............Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van...........Winnie Bay Gogh
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There is an accordion player driving home from a late night gig. Feeling tired, he pulls into a local store for some coffee. While waiting to pay, he remembers that he locked his car doors but left the accordion in plain view on the back seat of his car! He rushes out only to realize that he is too late. The back window of his car was smashed and somebody had already thrown in two more accordions.
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In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?
The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make brass "Monkeys".
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!"
(And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)
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Cows of corporations:
DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous. Barbra Streisand sings for you.
SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up; you sell.
FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow. You have a contest and everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to operate the voting machine.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state decide which is the best-looking.
NEW YORK CORPORATION:
You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick one from Arkansas.
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Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
9. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
10. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
11. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M. - prayer and medication to follow.
26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
27. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
34. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
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This one is definitely NOT tongue in cheek. The author was a teen-aged Marine who marched and fought as a rifleman to and from the Chosin reservoir in Korea in 1950. He switched to the Army, and served as a Special Forces officer in Vietnam. After Vietnam, he joined the CIA, and went back to Korea. He's been there, done that, and has some specific thoughts on countries that don't "like" us.

Is there anyone else out there who's sick and tired of all the polls being taken in foreign countries as to whether or not they "like" us? The last time I looked, the word "like" had nothing to do with foreign policy. I prefer "respect" or "fear". They worked for Rome, which civilized and kept the peace in the known world a hell of a lot longer than our puny two centuries - plus.
I see a left-wing German got elected to office recently by campaigning against the foreign policy of the United States. Yeah, that's what I want, to be lectured about war and being a "good neighbor" by a German. Their head honcho said they wouldn't take part in a war against Iraq.
Kind of nice, seeing them taking a pass on a war once in while. Perhaps we needed to have the word "World" put in front of "War".
I think it's time to bring our boys home from Germany. Outside of the money we'd save, we'd make the Germans "like" us a lot more, after they started paying the bills for their own defense.
Last time I checked, France isn't too fond of us either. They sort of liked us back on June 6th, 1944,though, didn't they? If you don't think so, see how nicely they take care of the enormous American cemeteries up above the Normandy beaches. For those of you who've studied history, we also have a few cemeteries in places like Belleau Woods and Chateau Thierry. For those of you who haven't studied it, those were from World War One, the first time Europe screwed up and we bailed out the French.
That's where the US Marines got the title 'Devil Dogs' or, if you still care about what the Germans think,"Teufelhunde". I hope I spelled that right; sure wouldn't want to offend anyone, least of all a German.
Come to think of it, when Europe couldn't take care of their Bosnian problem recently, guess who had to help out there also? Last time I checked, our kids are still there. I sort of remember they said they would be out in a year. Gee, how time flies when you're having fun.
Now we hear that the South Koreans aren't too happy with us either. They "liked" us a lot better, of course, in June 1950. It took more than 50,000 Americans killed in Korea to help give them the lifestyle they currently enjoy, but then, who's counting?
I think it's also time to bring the boys home from there.
There are about 37,000 young Americans on the DMZ separating the South Koreans from their "brothers" up North. Maybe if we leave, they can begin to participate in the "good life" that North Korea currently enjoys. Uh huh. Sure.
I also understand that a good portion of the Arab/Moslem world now doesn't "like" us either. Did anyone ever sit down and determine what we would have to do to get them to like us? Ask them what they would like us to do. Die? Commit ritual suicide? Bend over? Maybe we should follow the advice of our dimwitted, dullest knife in the drawer, Senator Patty Murray, and build more roads, hospitals, day care centers and orphanages, like Osama bin Laden does. What with all
the orphans Osama has created, the least he can do is build some places to put them. Senator Stupid says if we would only "emulate" Osama, the Arab world would love us.
Sorry, Patty; in addition to the fact that we already do all of those things around the world and have been doing them for over sixty years, I don't take public transportation, and I certainly wouldn't take it with a bomb strapped to the guy next to me.
Don't get me wrong: I'm not in favor of going to war. Been there, done that. Several times, in fact. But I think we ought to have some polls in this country about other countries, and see if we "like" THEM.
Problem is, if you listed the countries, not only wouldn't the average American know if he liked them or not, he wouldn't be able to find them. If we're supposed to worry about them, how about them worrying about us?
We were nice to the North Koreans in 1994, as we followed the policies of Neville Clinton. And it seemed to work; they didn't re-start nuclear weapons program for a whole year or so. In the meantime, we fed them when they were starving, and put oil in their stoves when they were freezing.
In a recent visit to Norway, I engaged in a really fun debate with my cousin's son, a student at a Norwegian University. I was lectured to by this thankless squirt about the "American Empire", and scolded about dropping the atomic bomb on the Japanese. I reminded him that empires usually keep the stuff they take; we don't, and back in 1945 most Norwegians thought dropping ANY kind of bomb on Germany or Japan was a good idea. I also reminded him that my uncle, his grandfather, and others in our family spent a significant time in the Sachsenhausen concentration camp, courtesy of the Germans, and they didn't all survive. I further reminded him that if it wasn't for the "American Empire" he would probably be speaking German or Russian.
Sorry about the rambling, but I just took an unofficial poll here at our house, and we don't seem to like anyone.
--- William Lane
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