Click HERE to go to page 22, HERE to Return to Directory
In Memory of the Columbia Space Shuttle Crew
read a news article at:
Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, and danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth of sun-split clouds ... and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of ... wheeled and soared and swung high in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along and flung my eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious burning blue I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew; And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space, put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
by: John Gillespie Magee, Jr.
From Bob T. off Rontini BBS:
My 10 year old son Thomas was quiet for a long time when he got the news. He sat staring into space, trying not to cry. He said; Those tee shirts and car sickers that say "No Fear" are wrong. "No Fear" might mean somebody is just to dumb or too crazy to be afraid. Brave is when you are afraid and do what you have to do anyway.
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president. Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead. The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. - Willie Weiss
As you go through life you are going to have many opportunities to keep your mouth shut. Take advantage of all of them. -James Dent
Humor web pages
Cute Horses, Try it you might like it, read all directions first and then click on link
Wait for the entire screen to load up with all 4 horses & a fence in front of them.
Then, click on each horse. Start with the horse on the left.
Re-click on any horse to make it turn off, or turn it back on again.
The Big Sale
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son; "Quick, go get your mother."
For those of you who watch what you eat...Here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much - he became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why?" they asked, as they moved off. Because," he said,"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)......A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved, "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back."
She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No."
The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."
"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum." (A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)
"Domino vobiscum." (The pizza guy's here.)
"Sharpei diem." (Seize the Wrinkled Dog.)
"Motorolus interruptus." (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)
"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus." (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus." (It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)
"Tempo Waturim." (I drove my Ford off a bridge.)
"Litigata Ergo Sum." (I sue, therefore I am.)
"Et tu, pluribus unum?" (The government just stabbed me in the back!)
"Cavett Emptor." (Beware, Dick Cavett could still make a comeback.)
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ...."
"The funeral director," said his wife.
A Note from Jim
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in January, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. She was a trained medical transcriptionist when we met twenty-eight ears ago and was fortunate to land a job at a local transcription house. It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.
My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
PS: Jim's funeral was on Saturday, June 15th.
Nancy was acquitted Monday, June 17th.
Click HERE to go to page 22, HERE to Return to Directory