Welcome to New Smilers, Issue Number 2
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While enjoying an early morning
breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing
everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the
"good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman
turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and
your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our 50th, I'll go down there and get her."
The Mood Ring
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
The Water Pistol
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remembered." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Epitaphs..(Love these things..)
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the
elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up
And no place to go.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann. Dec. 8,1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:Anna Wallace: The children of Israel
wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a
wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me
For not rising.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan
Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We planted him
raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest
lawyer, And that is Strange.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash
thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan
Fiddle Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here lies the body of
our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her
low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and
under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only
the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now,
so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be. Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: "To follow you I'll
not consent, until I know which way you went"
And last but not least, in Key West: "I told you I was sick!"
An old Amish man and his son were going into town for the
first time. The first thing they came to was a building
that said "MALL" on it. They were curious, so the went in.
The first thing they came to were two metal doors that
kept opening and shutting, called an elevator. Not knowing
what these strange doors were, they stood and watched
While they were waiting, an old woman with a walker came
up and went in the strange doors, punched a button and the
doors shut. A few seconds later the elevator next to it
opened up, and a 21 year old blonde walked out.
The Amish man said "Son, my prayers have been answered!
Quick, let's go get Mom!"
A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a
mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped
up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.
His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age,
purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a
visit, and took him on a tour of the property.
Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the
road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit
pass, and the father queried, "What in tarnation is that!?"
The son incredulously replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you
think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot
bigger'n back home in Texas."
So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo
roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said
in a puzzled tone "What are those?"
The son hesitantly said, "Those are buffalo, Dad. You gotta be kiddin
me. You really don't recognize them?" The father replied, "Well, I
guess they're kinda familiar - it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger
back in Texas."
The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they
approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side.
A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered
intently at the creature and said "Now what on earth is that thing!?"
Without missing a beat, the son replied, "wood tick"...
A young boy came to Sunday School late.
His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had
explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing?
The boy replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
Things only a police officer would say:
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"Your life is not my fault."
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?"
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I AM the shift supervisor?"
"Warning?! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
Salesman is driving down a country road when he sees a
young kid in front of a barn. On the barn are 5 targets
with arrows in the bulls eye of each target. Screeching
to a stop he runs out to the kid amazed that this kid
could shoot so well.
"Son," he says, "how did you hit all those bulls eyes?"
"Well sir," the boy replied, "I take the arrow and lick my
fingers like this, then I take my fingers and straiten the
feathers like this, take aim with my hand against my
cheek, let go and where ever the arrow hits I draw a bulls eye."
A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire" with Regis Philbin.
Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left:
phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is
worth one million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop
back to $32,000. Are you ready?"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its
own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"
Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to
be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs
your help to answer the one million dollar question. The
next voice you hear will be Pam's..."
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build
it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
Pam: "Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm sure."
Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or
play for the million?"
Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right!
Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they
go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam
looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know
that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."
He almost didn't see the old lady stranded on the side of the
road. But even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he
pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still
sputtering when he approached her.
Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so ... was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.
He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you.
He said, "I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan."
Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.
As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid. Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. She asked him how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.
He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, "And think of me."
He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.
A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The cash register was like the telephone of an out-of-work actor -- it didn't ring much.
The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a
stranger. Then she remembered Bryan.
After the lady finished her meal, and the waitress went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, the lady slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin under which were four $100 bills.
There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: "You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you."
Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what the lady had written. How could the lady
have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard. She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, "Everything's gonna be all right. I love you, Bryan."
There is an old saying "What goes around comes around." (author unknown)
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