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Sorry, the last 2 entries in this issue not HUMOR, but something you might
like to read. A outlook on the present day and homeland security.
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The most important missionary journey a person can make is to walk next door.

Forwarding Jokes
.Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do - you forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep in contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
To let you know that: you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, you are still wanted, guess what you get? A forwarded joke from me.
So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that I have sent you just a joke, but that...
I Have Thought of You Today!
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Imagine . . . .
There is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the
balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!!!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.
Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow." You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who! are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE-SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.
And remember that time waits for no one.Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present!!!
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A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He
asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training.
When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed
with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."
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Hostage Situation
Do you know anyone in your office like this?
At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot.
One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.
I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door.
"You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."
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Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri state line.When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Might as well take me on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
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USMC Rules For Gunfighting
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating or reloading.
14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
15. And above all ... don't drop your guard.
Navy Rules For Gunfighting
1. Go to Sea 2. Drink Coffee 3. Send the Marines
Army Rules For Gunfighting
1. Select a new beret to wear 2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder
3. Reconsider the color of beret you decide to wear 4. Send the Marines
US Air Force Rules For Gunfighting
1. Have a cocktail 2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. Determine "what is a gunfight" 4. Send the Marines
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A CNN reporter went to Israel to cover the fighting. She was looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like the man in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square.
In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who's been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.
"Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."
"What do you pray for?"
"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For our children to grow up in safety and
friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a damn wall!"
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Alleged incidents:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The
company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, (?) he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant."
The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you pay! ing attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping
that they would show up again.
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Poor Ol' Zeek
Here in the Kentucky hills, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Abner were sittin' on the porch swing, talkin 'bout the good ol' days, when maw spots the biggest bird she has ever seen.
"Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up, "Git my gun, Maw."
Maw runs into the house and brings out his pump action shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG...BANG...BANG! The monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of ol' Zeek!"
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Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.
One child wrote the following:
We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are
anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go
cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
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Two robins were sitting in a tree...
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch".
So they flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of juicy fat worms. They ate and they ate and they ate, until they could eat no more.
"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Well, then", said the second one, "...let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun."
"O K, I'm all for that," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
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Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home:
1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
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The Accident
A man was struck down by a bus on a very busy street. As he was lying near death after being pulled up onto the sidewalk, a crowd of spectators began to gather around him.
"My God, a priest. Somebody get a priest!" the critically injured man gasped.
A policeman checked the crowd, and yelled out, "Is anyone here a priest?" Out of the large crowd stepped a little old Jewish man of at least 80-years-of-age.
"Mr. Policeman," said the old man, "I'm not a priest or even a preacher, I'm not even a Christian. But for 50-years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, in fact, most of it. So, maybe I can be of some comfort and assistance to this poor injured man here?"
The policeman agreed and cleared the crowd away so the old man could get through to where the injured man was lying. The old Jewish fellow knelt down beside him, leaned over him, and said in a solemn voice, "B-4, I-19, N-38, G-54, 0-72........"
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This is what The Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium.
I N S T R U C T I O N S F O R L I F E
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk..
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson..
3. Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for other's, and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
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Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Nooooooooooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said , "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a borrowed tomb behind a very large boulder......."
St. Peter said "Verrrrrrrrrrry good! And then........?"
"Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If He sees His shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
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A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple the $20 dollar bill up.
He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.
It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives,we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE.
You are special - Don't EVER forget it."
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One way to deal with terrorists. "Let's go back to the Philippines in 1911. There was an outbreak of terrorism among a violent group of breakaway Islams. General Black Jack Pershing of WWI fame was in command. Pershing evolved a plan. Knowing that in their religion to ascend to Allah, the pig is not to be associated with in any way - not to be eaten, not to be touched, not to go near. Pershing did the following: When the next terrorist found guilty of murder was executed, this was the procedure. The terrorist dug his own grave, he was tied to a stake, and the bullets used in the execution were soaked in pig blood. When he died, his body was dropped into the hole and was covered with pig entrails. When word spread among the religious fanatics, terrorism came to an abrupt halt." --George Putnam
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To Kill an American
You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper and offered of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is, so they would know when they found one. (Good one ya, mate!!!!)
An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.
An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country.! As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.
Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least.
The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.
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Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following Multiple Choice test.
(The events are actual cuts from past history. They actually happened! Do you remember?)
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbitt b. Sitting Bull c. Arnold Schwarzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians b. Elvis c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger b. The King of Sweden c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy b. Pee Wee Herman c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs b. Davy Jones c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a U.S. Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kid b. Charles Lindbergh c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo b. The Tooth Fairy c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons b. Grandma Moses c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Center and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted to a crash by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron b. The Lutheran Church c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonny and Clyde b. Captain Kangaroo c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Nope, .........I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you?
So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors. (Joe Foss)
As the writer of the award winning story Forest Gump so aptly put it, "Stupid is as stupid does!"
Muslim males between the ages of 17 and 40 shouldn't be offended. If this was the old days it would be alot worse!!
Just think of this when you're taking off your shoes at the airport....smile....and think how the guy smelling your feet feels!!
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