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Thank you all for all the nice comments.
I hope all will continue to enjoy the "Smilers" and pass the URL to your friends.
PLEASE NOTE ...........
Last one not Humor or funny, but some very good personal security tips
Fun eye and color test at this web page
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about believing in Jesus and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" they all piped up.
"And what do you have to be to get there?"
"Dead!", one boy yelled.
At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"
Five years after my wife, Bridgid, and I were married, we received our final wedding gift -- an ice-cream maker. In an attempt to cover procrastination with humor, the friend who sent it included a note: "I wanted to make sure the marriage would last."
Bridgid wasn't amused, but she thought the present deserved a thank-you note anyway, which she dutifully sent five years later. Her note read: "I wanted to be sure the ice-cream maker would last."
I was in the kitchen one day, trying to reach the baking powder on the top shelf of a cabinet. Being only five feet tall, I had to stretch, but still couldn't grab the
box. Fortunately, I have two six-foot-tall sons whom I often call to come to my rescue.
"Hey, Brian!" I yelled to my second son, who was in the living room. "Will you get your tallness in here and get this for me?"
"Sure, Mom," he remarked as he bounded into the kitchen. "But next time, I'd prefer the title 'Your Highness.'"
John and Greg driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic. John says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."
Greg says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road." They fought for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.
John says, "You were right! If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the department manager.
"Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
A baker's job is a piece of cake. Of course if it's a special job he will rise to the occasion. It's the yeast he can do. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis. But they stop making donuts when they get tired of the hole thing. In a bakery, buns usually play a small roll. But tell a baker his dough has fallen, and you'll
get a rise out of him. To find out how the business is doing, look at the pie chart. Old bakers never die. They just keep on making more dough.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why ARE Trix only for kids?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Wisdom of a Navajo Woman
A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the saleswoman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Buy A Verdict
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
Over the Hill ?
You may be headed that way if . . .
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table, you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
You wake up looking like your driver's license photo.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
When you step off the curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
Over the hill, or not, you've got some swingin' friends who wanted to make you smile by sharing this with you !
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
The doctor's office....
There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it: An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,"Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," the old man replied.
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00 am, no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I go every morning at 6:30 am."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00 am!"
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
A friend whose husband was head of the Detective Division of the Washington State Patrol gave me most of this before my sisters and I went to Europe in the mid 80's but the theft if identity is getting much worse and the advice from the attorney as to the collection agencies is invaluable too!
A warning and some useful information sent in by Frederick Chester.
A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company. I pass it along, for your information.
The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of first name) and last name put on them. If someone takes your check book they will not know if you
sign your checks with just your initials or your first name but your bank will know how you sign your checks.
Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO
Box use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks -- you can add it if it is necessary. But if you have it printed, anyone can get it.
Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the
account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or
We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards, etc.
Unfortunately I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell
phone package, appliedfor a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving
record information online, and more.
But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:
We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to
call. Keep those where you can find them easily.File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).
But here's what is perhaps most important: (I never even thought to do this)
Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.
By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks.
The numbers are:
Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271
We pass along jokes; we pass along just about everything. Do think about passing this information along. It could really help someone you care about.
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