01/25/2003 Click HERE to go to page 18, HERE to return to Directory
Today is the tomorrow that we worried about yesterday.
The most important missionary journey a person can make is to walk next door.
A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's. Jean Paul Richter
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. Jim Elliot
When you are scared, the trick is not to rid your stomach of butterflies, but to make them fly in formation. Unknown
A kind heart is a foundation of gladness, making everything in its vicinity freshen into smiles. Washington Irving
Caller.... Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?.
Operator.... I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.
Caller.... On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?.
I think that in addition to caller ID, we need caller IQ, 'cause who wants to talk to some idiot?
*For Sale Sign*
A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong.
It says, "HORSE for sale."
A couple just started their Lamaze class, and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be
pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read,
"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
It was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower.
After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf. The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm.
When I entered the kitchen, where mom was fixing dinner, I thanked her for getting some new spray deodorant but also complained that it was pretty sticky and I didn't know if I really liked it yet.
Her response still rings in my ears..
"I didn't buy any spray deodorant, but I did buy some of that new bandage spray, SafeGuard!"
After shaving my arm pits in order to lift my arms and hours of laughing by my entire family I realized that RightGuard and SafeGuard were not the same thing.
Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote "Sagittarius."
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put: "Hooked On Phonics."
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said," Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," so she turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front "
Little House Behind Our House
One of my bygone recollections, As I recall the days of yore
Is the little house, behind the house, With the crescent over the door.
'Twas a place to sit and ponder With your head bowed down low;
Knowing that you wouldn't be there, If you didn't have to go.
Ours was a three-holer, With a size for every one.
You left there feeling better, After your usual job was done.
You had to make these frequent trips Whether snow, rain, sleet, or fog-
To the little house where you usually Found the Sears-Roebuck catalog.
Oft times in dead of winter, The seat was covered with snow.
'Twas then with much reluctance, To the little house you'd go.
With a swish you'd clear the seat, Bend low, with dreadful fear
You'd blink your eyes and grit your teeth As you settled on your rear.
I recall the day Granddad, Who stayed with us one summer,
Made a trip to the shanty Which proved to be a hummer.
'Twas the same day my Dad Finished painting the kitchen green.
He'd just cleaned up the mess he'd made With rags and gasoline.
He tossed the rags in the shanty hole And went on his usual way
Not knowing that by doing so He would eventually rue the day.
Now Granddad had an urgent call, I never will forget!
This trip he made to the little house Lingers in my memory yet.
He sat down on the shanty seat, With both feet on the floor.
Then filled his pipe with tobacco And struck a match on the outhouse door.
After the Tobacco began to glow, He slowly raised his rear:
Tossed the flaming match in the open hole, With not a sign of fear.
The Blast that followed, I am sure Was heard for miles around;
And there was poor ol' Granddad Just sitting on the ground.
The smoldering pipe was still in his mouth, His suspenders he held tight;
The celebrated three-holer Was blown clear out of sight.
When we asked him what had happened, His answer I'll never forget.
He thought it must be something That he had recently et!
Next day we had a new one Which my Dad built with ease.
With a sign on the entrance door Which read: No Smoking, Please!
Now that's the end of the story, With memories of long ago,
Of the little house, behind the house Where we went cause we had to go!
Things I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
That when you're in love, it shows.
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
That being kind is more important than being right.
That you should never say "no" to a gift from a child.
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
That money doesn't buy class.
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.
At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish.
Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.
At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none.
That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, "Al, I think George W. is a low-life cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.
The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish), Bill Clinton says to Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"
"He sure is, Bill, he's cuttin' holes in the ice!"
A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief says, "I want those two slackers back on the ship right after lunch."
You know you're in a Texas church when.....
*People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
*People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
*The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering and five guys stand up.
*Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
*A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
*When it rains, everyone is smiling.
*Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
*The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale."
*The pastor wears cowboy boots.
*Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
*There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
*Baptism is referred to as "branding".
*There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
*Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable .
*High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
*People think "rapture" is when you lift some thing too heavy.
*The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc...
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A. Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So, a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to our system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You aren't listening! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the 'secret' to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When exercising a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO.......Cocoa beans......another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptiions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie......flour is a grain!
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM. It could be a right number.
Think about this..... No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work so hard the boss will think he's after his job.
A backyard barbecue draws two things....flies and relatives.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
01. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
02. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
03. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
04. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
05. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
06. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
07. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
08. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
09. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" & "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Florida Park Alert
The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.
People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.
Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.
Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Buffalo Theory on Beer
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this....
"Well you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
ABC's for those over 50
A is for arthritis,
B is for bad back,
C is for the chest pains. Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention
and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches)
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches, and lots of incisions
J is for joints, that now fail to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack all the time
(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my M-memory from time to time)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack
P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune
Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu?
Give me another pill and I'll be good as new!
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills!
T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
and the word "terminal" also rings too near
U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)
V is for vertigo, as life spins by
W is worry, for pains yet found
X is for X ray--and what one might find
Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)
so Z is for zest
For surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed
SPECIAL NOTE --------------------------
This last item is not Humor - just something about Firearms
If you do not like Firearms or the Second amendment of US Constitution
---------- STOP READING HERE ---------------
FIREARMS A-B-C's REFRESHER COURSE
a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is just a subject.
b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c. Colt: The original point and click interface.
d. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
h. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
j. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
k. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
o. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
r. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
t. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
u. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
v. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
x. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
z. "...a government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
"This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has
full gun registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient,
and the world will follow our lead into the future!" Adolf Hitler (1935)