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If you can start the day off without caffeine
If you can get going without pep pills
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles
If you can eat the same food day after day and be grateful for it
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct them
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend
If you can face the world without lies and deceit
If you can conquer tension without medical help
If you can relax without liquor
If you can sleep without aid of drugs
If you can honestly say that deep down in your heart that you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, or politics
Then MY FRIEND You are ........Almost as good as your dog..........


Remember when our grandparents, great-grandparents, and such stated that they only had an 8th grade education?  Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?
This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, KS, USA.  It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.
8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS -1895

(Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no Modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation?  Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

(Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide.  How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000.  What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates:  1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour)    I don't even know what this is!
1. What is meant by the following:  Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each:  Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.'  Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling.  Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound:  card, ball, mercy, sir, odd,
cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate?  Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers?  Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following:  Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S..
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Also notice that the exam took six hours to complete.
Gives the saying  "she/he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, " My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger". The second Texan says, ' My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5000 head of cattle and they call my place, Big Johns'. They both look down at the Jewish man who says, ' My name is Irving and I own 300 acres '. Roger looks down at him and say, ' 300 Acres? What do you raise? 'Nothing' Irving says. Well then, what do you call it?' Asked John. It's called 'Downtown Dallas!'

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute, I'll have to look for these."
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.


A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. 
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land?  At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then  respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.   S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P:  Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.   S:  Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P:  Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.   S:  Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P:  Something loose in cockpit.   S:  Something tightened in cockpit.
P:  Dead bugs on windshield.   S:  Live bugs on back-order.
P:  Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.   S:  Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.   S:  Evidence removed.
P:  DME volume unbelievably loud.   S:  DME volume set to more believable level.
P:  Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.   S:  That's what they're there for.
P:  IFF inoperative.   S:  IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P:  Suspected crack in windshield.   S:  Suspect you're right.
P:  Number 3 engine missing.   S:  Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P:  Aircraft handles funny.   S:  Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P:  Target radar hums.   S:  Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P:  Mouse in cockpit.   S:  Cat installed.

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived  as long as we have.
As children we would ride in cars with no seat belts  or air bags.  Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was  always a special treat.  Our baby cribs were painted with bright colored lead  based paint. We often chewed on the crib, ingesting  the paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors,  or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes we had no  helmets.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a  bottle.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of  scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out  we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a  few times we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day,  as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.
We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would  really hurt.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda, but we were never overweight; we were always outside playing.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the  team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with  disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others so they  failed a grade and were held back to repeat  the same grade.
That generation produced some of the greatest  risk-takers and problem solvers. We had the freedom,  failure, success and responsibility, and we learned  how to deal with it all!!!
Have things changed????

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably
lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and
there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
The Real Women's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me, The
Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I
just don't do it.
Martha's way #7: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves.  They give a non slip grip
that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.
She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl.  Do you know what it means?"
"Sure!  Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"


An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who  would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received  this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another  note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's  reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time.

NICKNAMES - If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT - When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY - A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS - A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. Man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS - A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE -  A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS - A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE - A woman marries a man expecting he will change,  but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP - A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL - Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older brother explained.
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.  He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter.
The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

Little Johnny asked his grandpa how old he was. Grandpa answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until she glanced at my grandparents. My
grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand.
That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.
After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.
"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe
Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell Mommy," the little boy answered, "that he would climb the walls if you came to visit."

Dear John ......
There was an Army ranger deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guy while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back. So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you. Your Ranger Buddy"

Don't mess with Mom!!
My son came home from school one day, with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today, The "Children's Bill of Rights."
It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like, and get tattoos from head to toes.
And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me, my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division, better known as C.S.D.
Of course my first instinct was To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro.
The next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store.
I told him, "Pick out all you want, there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D. Who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes instead of those Nike Airs.
And I've canceled that appointment to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned so I'll decide what's best.
I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine.
He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room, you'll take the couch instead.
All the C.S.D. requires is a roof for over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now, and I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights," It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying, and why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C.S.D.?

This is for all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers.
Take care and remember.....
God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,
but he did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears and light for the way!
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