Thanks for all
those e-mail warnings

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the e-mail about
rat poop in the  glue on envelopes because now I have to
use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can
I open for the same reason. 

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital
for the 1,387,258th  time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change 
once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft
and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though
I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only
get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my 
friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along
to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to
put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of
water in the microwave anymore because it will blow
up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because
I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a  phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbeistan.

I no longer have any sneakers, but that will change once
I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since
I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can no longer use anyone's toilet but mine
because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one: I can no longer drive my car
because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this  web page address to at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with
diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. and the fleas
from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.........

Yea RIGHT !  
Have a nice day