Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Book Title: Wind in the Willows .... Author: Russell Ingleaves Book Title: Why Cars Stop .... Author: M. T. Tank Book Title: Chef .... Author: Sue Flay ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool." From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ STUPID INVENTIONS Black Highlighter ..... Braille Driver's Manual ..... Clear Correction Fluid .... Fake Rhinestones ..... Inflatable Dart Board ..... Mesh Umbrella Motorcycle Air Conditioner .... Sugar Coated Toothpaste Super-glue Post-it Notes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and would give him a 12 stroke handicap. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need a handicap as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps." And he did play well. Coming onto the 18th the old man had a long drive, but it landed in one of the sand traps around the hole. Shooting from the sand trap he hit a very high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?" Replied the Octogenarian, "I do! Please give me a hand." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park. They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman (4'10"& 90 lbs) and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away. When she asked her manager what she should do, he replied: "You have a warm down jacket don't you? Well put rocks in all the pockets!" Then a minister, who was standing nearby, suggested she say a little prayer to ask the lord to lessen the wind. The park clown then sugggesed she could kill two birds with one stone by saying the prayer she said each night. He said, "you know, the one that goes: 'Now I weigh me down to sweep.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 PM. I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. I'm very good at telling stories.....over and over and over and over I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.... I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians I'm positive I did housework correctly before my spouse retired. I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like......... I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my spouse. I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.... I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, antismoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors......absolutely nothing! I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP..... I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? I'm supporting all movements now.... by eating bran, prunes,and raisins. I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the storeroom. I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!! Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to many more! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists. Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn't eat bananas. Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas'?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Truth about Children A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning. A child will not spill on a dirty floor. A young child is a noise with dirt on it. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home. Celibacy is not hereditary. Familiarity breeds children. For adult education, nothing beats children. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. Having children will turn you into your parents. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable. Ill-bred children always display their pest manners. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. You can learn many things from children ... like how much patience you have. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it yourself 2) hire someone to do it 3) forbid your kids to do it Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one. There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood o keep the television set going. The best thing to spend on your children is time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Cake Baking for Moms of Small Children HOW TO BAKE A CAKE Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients. Remove blocks and toy cars from table. Grease pan, crack nuts. Measure two cups flour. Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby. Remeasure flour. Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor. Get another bowl. Answer doorbell. Return to kitchen. Remove baby's hands from bowl. Wash baby. Answer phone. Return. Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan. Look for baby. Grease another pan. Answer telephone. Return to kitchen and find baby. Remove baby's hands from bowl. Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table. Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes. Call baker. Lie down. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man: "Sir, I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get out of this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you to know sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matter what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?" So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fell asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man. "Are you clueless or something? I paid you 100 francs to wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't. I want my money back." While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them. So one turns to the other and says to him: "Look at this guy. He is mad!" "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Diary of A House Husband" 1). Make the beds ...... What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that. Scratch one. 2). Pick up dog poop in yard ....... It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop. Kids, do you see any dog poop? Scratch two. 3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners ....... Duhh ... I'm on vacation, I don't need them. Scratch three. This is easy, what's the fuss? Think I'll go on the computer for a while. 4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet ....... Uhhhh, that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four. 5). Mop kitchen floor ... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie, go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow. 6). Find something fun for the kids to do ..... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six. This is way too easy. I'll have lots of time for the computer. 7). Vacuum the carpets ...... That's a hard one ... Hey kids, wanna have some more FUN? Scratch seven. 8). Feed kids lunch ..... Hey kids, don't you have a friend's house to go to? YESSSS! Scratch eight!! 9). Clean out hallway closet ...... Hmmmm ... another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight, outta mind. Hmmmm ... this other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine. Boy oh boy am I good. Lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa, no lunch dishes. 10). Do laundry ..... no problem. I can do that while I'm on the computer. Scratch ten. 11). Fold laundry ..... Wow! Ya know, I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear?? Check this out -- a cashmere Barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven. 12) Put the laundry away .... Baskets in bedrooms work for me. Scratch twelve. This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about housework? 13). Water the Christmas tree .. Ooops, good thing the carpet is absorbent. Scratch thirteen. 14). Grocery shopping. Buy toilet paper ....... These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth ... Scratch fourteen. 15). Pick up the kids ...... Yeah, right; we're talking about my kids here. Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back. Scratch fifteen. Wonder who's on the computer. I have plenty of time. 16). Make dinner ..... Easy. "Hello, do you deliver? Uhhh, double that. Ya know, we will need more dinner tomorrow." Scratch sixteen. 17). Clean out the dog house ...... Duhh, the dog sleeps in our bed. Like that needs to be done. Scratch seventeen. WOW all done. Still time for some more 'puter and a nap ... Man, this is sooooo easy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ About 1969 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full lunar spacesuits. Nearby, a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not. Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The local Pastor was visiting the home of Sister Jones to comfort her after the recent loss of her husband. "Come in Pastor." Stated Sister Jones. "Have a seat on the sofa." Sitting on the sofa, the Pastor eyed a dish of peanuts setting on the coffee table. He took a few of the peanuts and began to eat them. After ten minutes he noticed that he had eaten nearly all the peanuts. "Why Sister Jones," said the Pastor, "It appears that I have eaten almost all your peanuts." "That's okay Pastor." replied Sister Jones. "Now that I have lost all my teeth I only get to suck the chocolate off!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ! The change of one simple behavior can affect other behaviors and thus change many things. Jean Baer Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals. J.Isham All of us need to be touched in the deepest parts of our lives to have our spirit uncapped. If you uncap it, it will go everywhere. That's why we're here. Reverend Cecil Williams ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1) Who won the first battle of the American Revolution? 2) Where was the Battle of Bunker Hill fought? 3) What did John Hancock do to become the president of the Continental Congress? 4) Was Paul Revere full blooded British? 5) How cold was it at Valley Forge? Answers: 1) The Massachusetts Militiamen defeated the British at the Battle of Lexington and Concord on the night of April 18-19, 1775. The British were trying to confiscate colonial arms in Concord. 2) The Battle of Bunker Hill actually took place on a smaller hill about 2000 feet away. For unknown reasons on June 17th, 1775 soldiers dug into Breed's Hill, which was not the intended site for the battle. Later Breed's Hill was renamed Bunker Hill so that visitors would not be confused. 3) He was wealthy. He was a merchant that inherited a fortune from his uncle who was a smuggler. This money was used to help finance the revolution. After the war he became the governor of Massachusetts. 4) No. His father, Apollos Rivoire, was French. His mother, Deborah Hitchbourn, was English. 5) Actually the winter of 1777-78 was a mild one at the site 22 miles NW of Philadelphia. The week of Christmas did offer heavy snow and freezing conditions, but there was a thaw in January. The real problem was a lack food, clothing, and shelter caused by negligence and mismanagement by the Continental Congress and the commissary department. Approximately 2,500 out the 10,000 soldiers there died of disease and exposure. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark... One: Don't miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you're stressed, float a while. Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes: 1. Egypt's Great Pyramids, 2. Taj Mahal, 3. Grand Canyon, 4. Panama Canal, 5. Empire State Building, 6. St. Peter's Basilica, 7. China's Great Wall. While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list. The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many." The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help." The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are 1. to touch 2. to taste 3. to see 4. to hear She hesitated a little, and then 5. to run 6. to laugh 7. and to love It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary." May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped. The driver, a 20-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure." The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!" "Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep," said the shepherd. He watched the young guy make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee. When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not," answered the young man. "You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd. "That's correct," said the young man. "How did you guess that?" "Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for the solution to a question I already knew the answer to. And, you don't know nothing shit about my business because you just took my dog." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "OLD" IS WHEN......... .... your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. .... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. .... going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. .... you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. .... you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. .... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. .... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. .... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee .... Oh, dear... "OLD" IS WHEN you can relate to a lot of these, but "YOUNG" IS WHEN you can still laugh you head off about them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Worlds' Easiest Quiz??? (Passing requires 8 correct answers) 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? All done? Before you dash off with a big smile on your face, better check your answers below! ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep or Horses 4) In which month do Russians celebrate their October Revolution? November 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ? Squirrel fur 6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal? Dogs 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert 8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? Thirty years.. What do you mean you flunked??? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kids statements that are a little ... off track: * God bless America Thru the night with a light from a bulb! * 0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a Band-Aid on my knee! * Give us this day our deli bread! * Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast. * We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese. * Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear. * He carrots for you. * Yield Not to Penn Station. * Dust Around the Throne. * Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO * Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names. * While shepherds washed their socks by night * He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A 70-year-old grandfather was asked by his young grandson how things have changed since he was a kid. His reply is worth reading. "Well, let me think a minute. I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There weren't things like radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, and he hadn't walked on the moon. Your grandma and I got married first -- then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir' -- and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and just visiting with family or neighbors. We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -- not condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on radio. I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Burger King, Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was grandma's lullaby. 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us old and confused and say there is such a generation gap." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Let's all sing along now................... New words for an old song from The Sound of Music A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: Maalox and nosedrops and needles for knittin', Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's, Bundles of magazines tied up with string, These are a few of my favorite things. Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses, Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things. When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, Then I remember my favorite things And then I don't feel so bad. Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food nor food cook'd with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things. Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin'. And we won't mention our short shrunken frames When we remember our favorite things. When the joints ache, when the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad. THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SOOOO BAAAAD !!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Better to be safe than.............punch a 5th grader Strike while the ...........................bug is close It's always darkest before........Daylight Savings Time. Never underestimate the power of............termites You can lead a horse to water but...........how? Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty No news is..................................impossible A miss is as good as a......................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new..............math If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning Love all, trust.............................me The pen is mightier than the................pigs An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax Where there's smoke there's.................pollution Happy the bride who.....................gets all the presents A penny saved is............................not much Two's company, three's..............the Musketeers Better late than ....... pregnant Don't put off till tomorrow what......you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ............you have to blow your nose. If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A local restaurant was so sure one of its waiters was the strongest man around that they offered a $1,000 bet that the waiter could squeeze a lemon so dry no one could get another drop out. Many people tried but no one was ever able to succeed. One day a puny little man wearing a polyester suit and glasses came in and said, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down, the waiter grabbed the lemon and squeezed it until it was as dry as the desert. The little man took the wrinkled remains and clenched it in his small fist. The crowd's laughter turned to silence as six drops of juice fell. "What do you do for a living?" the crowd asked. "I work for the IRS," the little man replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE LONG HAUL by Jim Campbell Stannin there frozen, yer gitten awfu stiff. Time in yer bed, there niver is enough. Pick up the first bow, then ye start tae haul. A sudden flash o silver, noo forget a the caul. Fin yer shakin a the herrin oot o the net, It disna tak long afore ye get soakin wet. Silver scales they cover a once spotless deck. Awye through yer hair an richt doon yer neck. It’s quickly forgotten as the lockers fill up. Wind starts tae freshen, the bow taks a dip. At last ye see the trail bow comin intae sicht. The long haul near ower, it’s been a long nicht. Lockers a filled up noo, ready for the shore. Airms an shoothers stiffen up, back is gitten sore. Awa intae the gelley, tae git a cup o tea, Thinkin, "Fit possessed me tae iver go tae sea." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Book Title Pun's Title: Unemployed... Author: Anita Job Title: Chef... Author: Sue Flay Title: No!... Author: Kurt Reply Title: Look Younger... Author: Fay Slift Title: It's Springtime! .... Author: Theresa Green Title: Handel's Messiah .... Author: Ollie Luyah Title: Downpour! .... Written by Wayne Dwops ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If there were computers in 1776 ............... Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence. Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here. Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday? Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication problems. Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy. Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font. Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week. Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out. Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night. Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault! Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me. Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text? Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled candle wax on my keyboard again. Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an active-matrix screen. Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy! Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker recommends "unassailable". Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable? Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible. Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold..... Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica? Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the file. Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why We Love Children...Five Reasons (1) A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...I'm THIRRRR-STY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you. Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?" 2. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!' " 3. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy , will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said, "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." Little voice: "The big sissy." 4. A mother took her three-year-old daughter to the candlelight service at church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, then the choir came down the aisle,carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..." 5. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the Sunday School teacher said "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made an ugly face, it could stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes." When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *YOU KNOW YOU'RE REALLY A MOM WHEN ...* 1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal. 2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry. 3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time. 4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone. 5. Your child throws up and you catch it. 6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating. 7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance. 8. You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching. 9. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, and you do it. 10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids. 11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats. 12. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend. 13. You hate the thought of his wife even more. 14. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes. 15. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother. 16. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second month. 17. You can't bear to give away baby clothes -- it's so final. 18. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes." 19. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you. 20. You read that the average 5-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average." 21. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Headline specials ........... 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Vacation special: Have your house exterminated. Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00. Illiterate? Write today for free help. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Stock up and save. Limit: one. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here are some of the "All Time Most Dim Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists" How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs? At what elevation does an elk become a moose? Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk'?" Park Information Staff: "'Elk'" Tourist: "Oh" Are the bears with collars tame? Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose? Is it OK to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent? Where can I find Alpine Flamingos? I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was? Are there birds in Canada? Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? (while standing in the middle of Banff!) Where does Alberta end and Canada begin? Do you have a map of the State of Jasper? Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan? If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario? Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields? How far is Banff from Canada? What's the best way to see Canada in a day? Do they search you at the B.C. border? When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds? Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one don't they? Are there phones in Banff? So it's 8 kilometers away ... is that in miles? We're on the decibel system, you know. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost?? Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot." And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear? And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns (and drums in between the towns) to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply, telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And, indeed, he did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks. And Dot said, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. And, as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!", said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com...and that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *The Truth about Tools* HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOTS IN FAST FOOD I went inside a McDonalds one time and ordered 2 ice cream cones. I was asked if they were for here or to go and said "What difference does it make?" The girl behind the counter said "I can't let you have them if you don't answer my question". I said "One is for here and one is to go". I then paid for the 2 cones and left. IDIOTS AT WORK... I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. He informed me that he could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, he explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of him. He carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. ADVICE FOR IDIOTS An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes." IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. He responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" SIGHTING #3: Recognize anyone here? At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching Mack truck. SIGHTING #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on. SIGHTING #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ... http://www.submarinesailor.com/Reviews/U571Movie.htm A CANDLE LOSES NOTHING BY LIGHTING ANOTHER CANDLE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tips to use when called by a telemarketer 10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." 9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" And first and foremost: 1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. Cliff Hawkeswood, MCA DOIM Plans & Services Fort Lewis, Washington (253)967-6789 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *** AAA Deficit Disorder *** Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder To my friends who can identify with this disorder, AND to the young ones who make fun of me and my deficits: I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with the above condition. The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure. This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet been diagnosed. However, now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't. I call it the "But First Syndrome." You know, it's when I decide to do the laundry, I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry... BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack... BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook... BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away... BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat. so ...... at the END OF the DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious...I'd get help... BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts to ponder Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'? I see your IQ test results were negative. When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples! If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. I married my wife for her looks ....... but not the ones she's been giving me lately! "Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved. The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How many church people does it take to change a light bulb? Charismatics: Only one. Their hands are already in the air. Roman Catholics: None. They use candles. Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off. Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better. Mormons: Five. One man to change the light bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Methodists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also provide a casserole. Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ QUOTES Analysts say that gasoline may go to $3 a gallon. So your SUV might stand for stationary utility vehicle." - Jay Leno "There's a double standard, even today. A man can sleep around and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions. A woman, you make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you're a tramp." - Joan Rivers "I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying HIM?" - Jerry Seinfeld ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dilbert Award Managers ---------------------- A magazine ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists. (Must have been hard choosing the winners.) 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in, Redmond, WA.) .2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Co.) 4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 6. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that needed only corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) 7. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. We recently received a memo from senior management, saying: This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 11. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo I mentioned the "pedagogical (pedagogical refers to the art of teaching) approach used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she couldn't stand for perverts (pedophilia) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Last year, when an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was felt that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem. This little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this anonymous" poem winging across the Internet. It is proof that we all leave "some footprints in time"..... *** An Old Lady's Poem *** What do you see, nurses, what do you see? What are you thinking when you're looking at me? A crabby old woman, not very wise, Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes? Who dribbles her food and makes no reply When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!" Who seems not to notice the things that you do, And forever is losing a stocking or shoe..... Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will, With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill.... Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see? Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me. I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still, As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will. I'm a small child of ten ....with a father and mother, Brothers and sisters, who love one another. A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet, Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet. A bride soon at twenty -- my heart gives a leap, Remembering the vows that I promised to keep. At twenty-five now, I have young of my own, Who need me to guide and a secure happy home. A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast, Bound to each other with ties that should last. At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone, But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn. At fifty once more, babies play round my knee, Again we know children, my loved one and me. Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead; I look at the future, I shudder with dread. For my young are all rearing young of their own, And I think of the years and the love that I've known. I'm now an old woman...and nature is cruel; 'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool. The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart, There is now a stone where I once had a heart. But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells, And now and again my battered heart swells. I remember the joys, I remember the pain, And I'm loving and living life over again. I think of the years....all too few, gone too fast, And accept the stark fact that nothing can last. So open your eyes, nurses, open and see, Not a crabby old woman; look closer ... see ME !! Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We too will be there someday. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Childlike Science - Silly Science From 5th And 6th Graders... The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom. It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places. Momentum is something you give a person when they go away. Mushrooms always grow in damp places which is why they look like umbrellas. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers. When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy. One of the main causes of dust is DIRT. A monsoon is a French gentleman. To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow. Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days. The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Math 101 RELATIONSHIP ARITHMETIC Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little, but to be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! I was listening to the radio the other day, and I heard one of the all-time best comeback lines in my life. Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?" GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Teach shooting, that's irresponsible, isn't it?" GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range." FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. " FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prosituite, but your not one, are you? " The radio went silent and the interview ended. And all I could think was, "Go Army!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And lastly, one joke on Bush and one on Clinton, you need to be equal in humor ? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 Black kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful that he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." GWB says, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One." The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." GWB says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!" The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!!" *********************** Request For Money Dear Friend: We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces. We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in Washington, DC Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jessie Jackson, who neve told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it besides Christopher Columbus, the most famous Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money. If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project. Thank you, Bill Clinton Monument Committee PS: The committee has raised over $1.35 so far! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Clones are people two. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi *Last Laugh* If Dr. Kevorkian were a pastor. Title: Personal House Construction .... Author: Bill Jerome Home ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "[The Internet] ... is an amazing communications tool that's bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it's just staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around the world in China, someone you've never met is sitting at their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that you're hearing." -- Dennis Miller ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A large two-engine train was crossing the country. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Just switch this one around to suit your favorite make.) Chevy has added wires to the rear window to clear fog and frost. Dodge is adding wires under the wipers so they can be freed when frozen and not burn up the motor. But Ford is adding the wire elements to the tailgates on all of their trucks to keeps your hands warm while you're pushing! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." - Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 Here's Proof: A mother was reading a book about animals to her daughter: Pointing to the picture, she asked "What does the cow say?" she asked her daughter. The daughter made a slow arc with her head as she replied, "Mooooooooooo!" "That's right!" the proud Mom says. "What does the cat say?" "Meoooow!" she replied, rubbing her head against her mom's arm. "Oh, you're so smart! And what does the frog say?" The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother, made a smushed face, and replied, in slow, croaking sounds, "Buuuud...Wiiiise...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Boy Scout Survival Tips* A Scout Master was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested, such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that Timmy?" "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently. "Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stupid Laws: ** In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it, waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. ** It is against the law to fish from horseback in Utah. ** In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor. ** No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas. ** San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses. ** Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. ** The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. ** It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington to ride an ugly horse. ** A City Ordinance in Oklahoma states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window. ** The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. ** In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. ** In Greene, New York it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks when a concert is on. ** It's against the law in Portland, Oregon for a wedding ceremony to be performed at a skating rink. ** It's illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM in Memphis, Tennessee. ** No one is permitted to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket in Lexington, Kentucky. ** It's against the law to sing off key in North Carolina. ** It's unlawful to tickle a woman's chin with a feather duster in Portland, Maine. ** In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Top 12 Things Not To Say To A Cop* l. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are you Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? OK, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the officer says "Gee, son ... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee, officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Letter from a mother to her son* Dear Son, I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven't seen them since. It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you. The family is fine. Your father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. We got a bill from the funeral home the other day. They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Not much more news this time. Nothin' much happened. Write more often. Love, Mom P.S I was going to send you money but the envelope was already sealed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~