Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife Pharmacist: A helper on the farm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kitchen Plaque Sayings * A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand * A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life * A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House * A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen ....... And This Kitchen Is Delirious * Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT * Housework Done Properly Can Kill You * If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap. * My next house will have no kitchen, just vending machines. * No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes * Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father is in church with his three young children, including his five-year-old daughter. As was his custom, he sat on the very front row so that the children could better see all that was going on. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was most enthralled by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Proof that Cell Phones are Hazardous to your Health Man plunges to his death using a cell phone. It's official - cell phones can seriously damage your health. A man has plunged ten floors to his death after apparently trying to get a signal on his mobile. According to a former roommate, he may have been trying to get a better signal when he fell. His body was only found when a neighbor opened his curtains to his ground-floor patio in the early hours of 19 August last year. Last month a man was injured in a Mexican zoo after sneaking into a lion's cage to rescue his cell phone. The unfortunate prankster's phone started ringing in the cage and awoke the beast, which then attacked him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You're not a kid anymore when ... You're asleep but others worry that you're dead. Your back goes out more than you do. You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials. The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion. The pharmacy gives you a volume discount. People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?" Nobody ever tells you to slow down. You make everyone be quiet during weather bulletins. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. Your idea of the perfect nightcap is Metamucil. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young lady, died and went to heaven. St. Peter met her at the gate. He told her, "In order to enter here you must tell me the name of the Lord." The young lady wrinkled her brow and said, "Oh, I do know it, just a minute, let me think. Um -- um -- oh yes, it's Andy!!" St. Peter said, "Andy? Where did you ever get that name?" "Well, you know, it's in that song -- we sang it all the time in church!" she said defensively. Then she proceeded to sing the song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me ..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!" With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things My Mother Taught Me. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!" My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!" My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid A few clowns short of a circus A few fries short of a Happy Meal A few peas short of a casserole Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl A few feathers short of a whole duck As smart as bait Chimney's clogged Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor Her sewing machine's out of thread His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels His belt doesn't go through all the loops Missing a few buttons on his remote control No grain in the silo Receiver is off the hook Skylight leaks a little Too much yardage between the goal posts ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You know you're drinking too much coffee when... you answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. you grind your coffee beans in your mouth. you lick your coffeepot clean. your eyes stay open when you sneeze. you can type 60 words per minute ... with your feet. you can jump-start your car without cables. all your kids are named "Joe." you don't need a hammer to pound nails. your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." you buy Half & Half by the barrel. you forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. people get dizzy just watching you. you've worn the finish off your coffee table. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. instant coffee takes too long. your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. you have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. you don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. you don't tan, you roast. you can't even remember your second cup. you help your dog chase its tail. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a old one, but worth a repeat for those that missed it. This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. {**Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95**} Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES FLEET, I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: OK, We are a lighthouse. Your call. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929, 7 was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. UP indicated the direction of the bubbles. Mosquito repellents don't repel. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. American car horns beep in the tone of F. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years old. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Pearls melt in vinegar. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US President whose name contains all the letters from the word criminal. The second? William Jefferson Clinton. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5). But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking. Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?" The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6 WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES Husband's note to his wife: "Doctor's office called: Said Pabst beer is normal." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who done it ? A wealthy man named Richard Ellis had been counting his money. When he finished, he accidentally left a $100.00 bill on his desk. But when he returned for it a short while later, it was gone. Only two other persons could have seen the bill. One was the maid and the other was the butler. The maid told him that she had hidden it for safekeeping under a green book that was on the desk. But when they looked the bill was not there. The butler said he had found the bill where the maid had left it. He had placed it inside the book, where he thought there was less chance that somebody would find it. He had written down the page numbers so that he would not forget them. The bill was between pages 35 and 36, he said. But when they looked, there was no money in the book. After Mr. Ellis had talked to the maid and the butler, he called the police. He was sure he knew who had taken the money. Who was it, and how did he know? The Answer: The Butler did it!! Page 36 is on the back of page 35 so the butler couldn't have put the bill between the two pages. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Irritations in Life People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No loser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? When something is "new and improved"! Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ACTUAL T-SHIRT SLOGANS "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?" "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING." "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software." "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance." "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead." "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN Cops have nothing to go on." "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory." "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig." "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages: 10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you. 8. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling ... and I'll think about returning your call. 7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money. 5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message. 4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner. 3. Hi. Now YOU say something. 2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous Internation!al Institute of Answering Machine Messages. 1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Will This Be Us Someday? Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh damn! Am I driving?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things Learned in Church (by children, and the crazy things they say) A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife." I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen." One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in hurch." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had." A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying, as though he were ill, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How to slow traffic... A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer. Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers." So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words: SLOW: NUDIST COLONY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Answer: The Butler did it!! Page 36 is on the back of page 35 so the butler couldn't have put the bill between the two pages. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subdued: like a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man. "To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness." --Bertrand Russell The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no tickertape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we under-estimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. It's overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunties there are to make our love felt. Leo Buscaglia ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Our last fight was really my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' And I said, 'Dust!'" "My brother had a hamster. He took it to the vet -- to me that's like bringing a disposable lighter in for repairs." - Wayne Cotter "I gave my cat a bath the other day. He just sat there. Actually, I think he enjoyed it. It wasn't very fun for me, though. The fur kind of stuck to my tongue." - Steve Martin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Appropriate Hymns .......... The Dentist's Hymn .............. Crown Him With Many Crowns The Weatherman's Hymn ..... There shall be showers of Blessing The Contractor's Hymn ........ The Church's One Foundation The Tailor's Hymn ............... Holy, Holy, Holy The Golfer's Hymn ............... There is A Green Hill Far Away The Politician's Hymn .......... Standing on the Promises The Optometrist's Hymn ....... Open My Eyes That I Might See The IRS Agent's Hymn .......... I Surrender All The Gossip's Hymn ............... Pass It On The Electrician's Hymn ......... Send the Light The Realtors Hymn ........ I've got a mansion just over the hilltop ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked," What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes" was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BENEFITS OF GROWING OLDER In a hostage situation you are most likely to be released first. It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick. No one expects you to run into a burning building. People call at 9:00 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. There's nothing left to learn the hard way. Things you buy now won't wear out. You can eat dinner at 4:00 PM. You can live without sex but not without glasses. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. You have a party and neighbors don't even realize it. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You sing along with the elevator music. Your eyes won't get much worse. Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. You can play with your toy trains and people just think you're crafty. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do you do with the seeds? I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night." As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?" I responded that they were tiny seeds and were OK to eat. He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9 short and or quick grin starters ........... 1. Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. 2. An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead. 3. A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup." 4. A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." 5. A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter." 6. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." 7. A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" 8. A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home. 9. A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The United States." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery!" He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick", said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetary dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking passed the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK. The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died." David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the lounge car during a cross-country train trip, the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of 20 to that of 40 I lived an absolutely simple regular life -- no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then --" "Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in jail for?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to have to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease? Because it only attacks the brain. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A rumor. A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says : "I will surely miss you" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are. Joseph Campbell Time is a game played beautifully by children. Heraclitus Fad: Something that goes into one era and out the other. Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas. After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate. "Just watch," comes the quick retort. And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continue to fly straight and level... After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air, "There! How was that?" The fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, and got a cup of coffee." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor. "You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said. "If you don't, I'm going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something." So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir." "Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked. "Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing." That's nothing," the man snorted. "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "According to a new report, this year airline passengers have been subject to longer delays and ruder service than ever before. When asked about it, a spokesperson for the airlines said, 'Shut up and get back in line!'" -- Conan O'Brien ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Neither of my parents understand how an answering machine works. When my mother leaves me a message she's actually trapped inside the machine. It is just like a desperate cry, 'Carol? Carol? Are you there? I'm in the machine.' And my father's even worse. He leaves me messages like this, 'Uh, tell her that her father called.'" --Caroline Rhea ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mark Twain's contention was that the most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. These words of wisdom were all spoken by children under 10. 1. You can listen to thunder after lightening to tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, never mind. 2. Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. 3. South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. 4. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. 5. Genetics explains why you look like your father ... and if you don't, why you should. 6. Vacuums are nothing. I only mention them to let them know we know they are there. 7. Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers. 8. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. 9. I am not sure how clouds get formed but the clouds know how to do it and that is the important thing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Best Dog Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist, and a overtaxed John Doe were bragging about how smart their dogs were. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff." T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the poor overtaxed John Doe and said, "What can your dog do?" Mr. Doe called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How to handle a Traffic stop..... A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Signs that you are an adult. Your potted plants stay alive. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door. You don't know how to turn up the stereo. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Good Old Days LIFE WAS BETTER IN BLACK AND WHITE You could hardly see for all the snow So you spread the rabbit ears as far as they'd go Pull a chair up to the TV set, "Good night David, Good night Chet" Depending on the channel you tuned, You'd get Rob and Laura or Ward and June. Andy Griffith and Barney Fife, Lawrence Welk or This Is Your Life. I Love Lucy and The Real McCoys, Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys. Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train. Superman and Lois Lane. Father Knows Best and Patty Duke Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too. Donna Reed on Thursday night Life looked better in black and white They were simple folks living a simple life Where everything always turned out right. The good guys always won the fight. I wanna' go back to black and white. In God they trusted, in their own bed they slept. A promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke a vow, They'd never make the network now. Now-a-days nothing's the way it seems In living color or on the screens. The good guys don't always win the fight Life doesn't always turn out right. If only I could, I'd rather be In a TV world of '63. It felt so good, it felt so right, Life looked better in black and white I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right. Life was better in black and white. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just Among Us Girls Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long." The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long." "Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ O.K. people, figure this one out!!!!!! The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you." and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze. The student received the only "A". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There is hardly any other quality of man that is so suited to reveal the state of his inner spiritual and moral health as his capacity to be grateful. Friedrich Bollnow Sign on Closed Nuclear Power Plant ... "Gone Fission" Fad: Something that goes into one era and out the other. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE CLASS OF 2004: Just in case we weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin put together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman (starting their 4 year's US Bachelors degree). The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982. Here is this year's list: 1. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot. 2. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. -Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. 3. There has been only one Pope. 4. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. 5. They have never feared a nuclear war. 6. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. 7. Bottle caps have always been screw-off and plastic. 8. Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. 9. The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player. 10. They have likely never played 'Pac Man' and 'Pong'. 11. They may have never heard of an 8-track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. 12. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents. 13. They have always had an answering machine. 14. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV. 15. They have always had cable. 16. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Feeling old, right? There's more: -They were born the year that Walkmans were introduced by Sony. -Roller skating has always meant inline for them. -Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. -Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. -They have never seen Larry Bird play. -They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. -The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War. -They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran. -They don't know who 'Mork' was or where he was from. -They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was. -The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew. -McDonalds never came in styrofoam containers. and the best one .......They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A city boy moved to the country and bought a mule from an old farmer. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule died." "Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the mule." "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off," "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead mule?" "I raffled him off. I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a ninety-eight dollar profit. "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back----- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 children are enough Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect. "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning." On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King. The next time you feel like complaining, your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport! My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here. Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'? I see your IQ test results were negative. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. I don't approve of political jokes, I've seen too many of them get elected. I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers." If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME! My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why." My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about." My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished." My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!" My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!" My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For All Who Promised to Leave the USA We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush became President. With that in mind, we have a special offer for those who want to keep their promise! Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue, David Geffin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made the promise, please report to Florida for the sailing of the funship cruise, Elation, which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes. Please pack for an extended stay...at least four years. Your captain is to be Bill Clinton and your cruise director will be Al Gore. Monica Lewinsky will be your recreation director and Ted Kennedy will act as lifeguard and supervise swimming instruction. He will also teach a course in emergency procedures. Your spiritual advisor will be the Rev. Jesse Jackson. If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and furnishings until you return. Bon Voyage ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After much arguing and deliberation historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called: " SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MEN OF THE WORLD FIGHT BACK: There are more than a few emails traveling about discussing how Women are stronger, smarter, superior and the like. This is not to contest those notions. BUT, if they are so smart why can't they figure out these very simple things about us men. Very simple rules to follow and we'll be loving and content spouses. Rules to live together .......... 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't here us complaining about you leaving it down. 2. If you won't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys. 3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 4 . If you ask a question you don't want an answer to , expect an answer you don't want to hear. (Really, really listen to this one) 5 . Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way. 6. You have enough clothes. 7. Crying is blackmail. 8. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one. Subtle hint don't work. Strong hints don't work. Just say it. 9. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question. 10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 11. A headache that lasts 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 12. Anything said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 13. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 14. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both. 15. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color. 16. If it itches, it will be scratched. 17. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. Simple enough right? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This has been repeated from last year in light of Douglas Adams' death. The author of the Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, died of a heart attack, aged 49. "He was a gifted writer; a one-off talent who managed to combine fantasy and humanity in books which enthralled generations of readers. We'll miss him enormously." "He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife. " "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't." "Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twin brother or sister." "[His] study was a total mess, like the results of an explosion in a public library." "There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe if for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another which states that this has already happened." "A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." "For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen." "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." "I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it." "If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation he abandoned this theory in favor of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start working." "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." "You live and learn. At any rate, you live." "The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question, 'How can we eat?' The second by the question, 'Why do we eat?' And the third by the question, 'Where shall we do lunch?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tired & Overworked! For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked! The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. you and me. And YOU are sitting at your computer reading jokes... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~