There is nothing more notable in Socrates than that he found time, when he was an old man, to learn music and dancing, and thought it time well spent. Michel de Montaigne ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Please advise me how I may purchase an alarm clock that does not go off on Monday mornings. I have an employee that has one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When one begins to purposefully perform acts of kindness, the spirit changes and soon doing good deeds becomes a focal point for our life; doing good begins to be the same as feeling good. The periods of emptiness when we search for the "mean-ing of it all" begin to fill with acts of kindness. Gary Ryan Blair ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Memories Three men, all in their mid-90's, are being visited at the home by a doctor who is administering memory tests. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have a moral question for you. This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do. The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures destroyed. Let's say that you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across George W Bush who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb. So, here's the question and think carefully before you answer the question, Which lens would you use? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One liners .................... Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. Home is where you can say anything you like cause nobody listens to you anyway. I live in my own little world, but it's OK...they know me here. I see your IQ test results were negative. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. I don't approve of political jokes, I've seen too many of them get elected. I have learned there is little difference in wives, so you might as well keep the first. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately! "Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." "No one ever says 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning." I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18." "If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?" "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?" On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was, surrounded by trees and bushes. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? I mixed Rogaine with Viagra...now I've got hair like Don King. I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport No man/woman is worth your tears, and the only one who is will never make you cry. If you love someone, put their name in a circle instead of a heart, because hearts can break but circles go on forever. Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say. If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them. I'd be at the bottom to catch them. Smile and keep smiling even when you're sad because you never know if somebody could be falling in love with your smile. If you judge people, you have no time to love them. Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle. It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone. But it takes a lifetime to forget someone. Enthusiasm is contagious. You could start an epidemic. Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future. Today is a gift, that is why we call it the present. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!" The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 15 Things to do at Wal Mart while the spouse/partner is taking his/her sweet time: 1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens. 5. Put M&M's on lay away. 6. Move 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' signs to carpet areas. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone? " 9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.' 12. In the auto department practice your Madonna wanna be look using funnels. 13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME! ! !" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again. " 15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud. . . "Hey we're out of toilet paper in here! " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These are reported to be actual test answers from various schools in the Huntsville, Alabama metropolitan area Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. SOCIOLOGY Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. BIOLOGY Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A : A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section." A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport ENGLISH Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight. TECHNOLOGY Q : What is a turbine? A : Something an Arab wears on his head. RELIGION Q: What is a Hindu? A : It lay eggs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated. And then Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink. Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on. The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dilbert is in the House .................... A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists: 1.. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 2.. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 3.. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 4.. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (No source given) 5.. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 6.. "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers) 7.. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8.. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, Florists) 9.. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10.. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 11.. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 12.. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the memo, I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) This is the winning quote: 13.. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond,WA.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Have you seen any of these bumperstickers on a lady's car? 1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME. 2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS. 3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING. 4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS. 5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG. 6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. 7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN. 8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN. 9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF. 10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN. 11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES? 12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES 13. AND YOUR POINT IS? 14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT. 15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. 16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN. 17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP. 18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE. 19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. 20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY? 21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT. 22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY. 23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity. George Bernard Shaw Peace of mind occurs when our actions match our beliefs. Ian Guwler A walk in the woods, or experiencing nature in all her majesty, often invigorates us when we are afraid. "I want to live in such a way, that when I get up in the morning Satan will say, 'Oh no! She's awake!' " Polarize: What penguins see with. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New World Order? When European men discovered the "New World" the native Indians were running it. They had no income tax, property tax, or other taxes. They had no debts. They had no pollution and the females did most of the work. Indian men hunted and fished most of the time! And white men were dumb enough to think they could improve a system like that? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Taxes: A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, Now you have everything. " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tom's barn burned down and his wife, Matilda Jane, called her insurance agent to file a claim. Matilda Jane told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money, right quick!" The agent replied, "Just a minute, there, Matilda Jane. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Matilda Jane replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband, Right quick!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long? Polaroid's What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Phone Answering Machine This was voted unanimously by the office staff as the answering machine message for the school! Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection: To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2 To complain about what we do - Press 3 To cuss out staff members - Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 To complain about school lunches - Press 0 If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/ responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eighty percent of Kindergartners solved this riddle, but only 5% of Stanford graduates figured it out! 1. The word has seven letters... 2. Preceded God... 3. Greater than God... 4. More Evil than the devil... 5. All poor people have it... 6. Wealthy people need it... 7. If you eat it, - you will die! Did Figure it out? Try hard before looking at the answers The Answer is at the end of this issue of Smilers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said ...... "Clean my house!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: Ten Puns (I apologize in advance.) 01. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 02. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world. 03. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. 04. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. 05. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 06. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 07. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 08. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 09. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went to them and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FUN WITH ANAGRAMS An anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. * George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore * Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room * Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It * The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots * Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in 'em * Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity * Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler * Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's * A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place * The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake * Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one * PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NOTHING! NOTHING has 7 letters NOTHING preceded God NOTHING is greater than God NOTHING is more Evil than the devil All poor people have NOTHING Wealthy people need NOTHING If you eat NOTHING, you will die ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We need to recognize that spending time with God is essential for our spiritual lives. It should be as vital to us as making sure we get enough food every day. I always knew that looking back at my tears would make me laugh, but I never thought that looking back at my laughter would make me cry. Cat Stevens ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 10. THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN SURGERY 1. Someone call the janitor - we're gonna need a mop. 2. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 3. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy. 4. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before? 5. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 6. Dang it! Page 47 of the manual is missing! 7. What's this doing here? 8. Sterile, shmeril. The floor's clean, right? 9. What do I do with the leftovers? 10. Opps ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 8 AIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENTS HEARD TOO OFTEN 1. A selection of real comments made by airline attendants. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 2. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 3. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your favorite. 4. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 5. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments." 6. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 7. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 8. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and put her out of her misery. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You Know You're At A Southern Church Service When...... 1. The call to worship is, "Ya'll come on in now." 2. Confession begins with "Forgive me father for I will sin" 3. The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering and 125 guys stand up. 4. The restrooms are outside and marked with a little half moon. 5. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. 6. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck, because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." 7. When it rains, everyone is smiling. 8. Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice. 9. The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale." 10. The pastor wears boots. 11. Four generations of the same family sit together in worship. 12. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin. 13. Baptism is referred to as "branding." 14. There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank. 15. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable. 16. High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling. 17. People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish. 18. People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy. 19. Baptism's take place in the creek behind the church. 20. The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 11 WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You've got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. --Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a, lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8 "And the #1 Favorite is........" HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Survivor 2 ...... from a Texan A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one to make it back to Dallas wins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two robins were sitting in a tree. I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch. They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they couldn't eat anymore. I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big, fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought................. "I just love baskin' robins." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don't work so Hard.............. In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001): WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS............. Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proofreader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. You may want to give your coworkers a nudge occasionally. And the moral of the story: "DON'T WORK TOO HARD. NOBODY NOTICES ANYWAY." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Words of wisdom from the young and old. I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night." Age 6 I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either. Age 7 I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9 I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again. Age 12 I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 14 I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15 I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24 I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 26 I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29 I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 30 I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 42 I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note. Age 44 I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others. Age 46 I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 47 I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on. Age 48 I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52 I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills. Age 53 I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 55 I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58 I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage. Age 61 I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62 I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64 I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65 I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66 I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72 I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 75 I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82 I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85 I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92 I've learned sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile. Ageless ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The bluebird carries the sky on his back. Henry David Thoreau My barn having burned to the ground, I can see the moon. Chinese proverb ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Doctor to elderly patient: "Mr. Smith, that last check you gave me came back." Patient: "Then we're even, Doc. So did my arthritis." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Grounds for Divorce: "His wife is suing him for divorce." "How come?" "Incompatibility." "How in the world did she catch him doing that?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Best Boss in the World Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation" A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A CHILD'S PERSPECTIVE An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place! Spank him again!" the 5-year-old said. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's restaurant in Florida, and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the firstplace. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. AVAILABLE TO WORK: Of course! That's what I'm applying. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday,Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Detective Story This is for all you smart detectives. Figure it out and don't peek. Try to figure it out before you scroll to the solution. You're driving a bus that is leaving from Pennsylvania and ending in New York. To start off with, there were 32 passengers on the bus. At the next bus stop, 11 people get off and 9 people get on. At the next bus stop, 2 people got off and 2 people got on. At the next bus stop, 12 people got on and 16 people got off. At the next bus stop, 5 people got on and 3 people got off. Armed with all this information... what color are the bus driver's eyes? The key to understanding the problem is focusing on the right information. If we assume it is critical to keep track of the number of people getting on and off the bus, we focus on information that turns out to be unessential. It distracts us from the important information. Answer at the end.............. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THINGS YOU WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO SAY AT WORK I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. If I throw a stick, will you leave? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Due to increasing products liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed on all beer containers: WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your butt kicked. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who did what? In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face" (2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". (3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". (4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 6 STUPID PEOPLE NEEDING SIGNS Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." 1. It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." 2. A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope I talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." 3. I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it" 4. Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign." 5. We were trying to sell our car about a year ago! . A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Damn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him. 6. I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning...ok... no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he asked "So...is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If a bird is flying for pleasure, it flies with the wind, but if it meets danger it turns and faces the wind, in order that it may rise higher. Corrie Ten Boom Relief: what trees do in the spring ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ten Things You Should Never Ever Say To a Woman During any Argument: 1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something? 2. Ohh, you are so cute when you get all teed off. 3. You're just upset because your butt is beginning to spread. 4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? 5. You sure you don't want to consult Oprah on this one? 6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. 7. Whoa, time out. Football is on. 8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning! 9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? 10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." But you're not wearing any of those things," replied the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity. "OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible." The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Four-year-old Jared was eating a hot dog when he dropped it on the floor. He quickly picked it up and was about to take another bite when his mom said, "No, Jared, you can't eat that now it has germs." Jared pondered the thought a moment and replied, "Jesus, germs, and Santa Claus - that's all I ever hear and I haven't seen one of them yet!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The older man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young many replies, "A 1997 Turbo Z123DX. They cost $500,000." "That's a lot of money!", says the older man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So, the older man leans up against the car, pokes his head in the window, and looks around. Then, leaning back on his moped, the older man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right." Just then, the light changes, so the young man decides to show the older man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down a little to see what it could be, and suddenly, whhooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!" "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Z123DX?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooosshh! It goes by again! And, it almost looked like the older man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Turbo Z123DX?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooosh, Ka-Bbblaamm! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops the car, jumps out, and it's the older man! Of course, the moped and the older man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the moaning older man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The older man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man goes to the doctor, who examines him. The doc then asks the man to wait outside, and talks to the man's wife: "Your husband has a very rare and life-threatening disease. Only you can help him." "Me?" says the woman, "What can I do?" "Well," says the doc, "He needs a completely stress-free environment. Therefore, each day when he comes home from work, you must be dressed up nicely, and have his favorite meal ready on the table for him. You must never argue or nag him about anything, and under no circumstances should you ever ask him to do any chores around the house. You must be ready to meet his every need." On the way home, the fellow says, "So what did the doctor say, Honey?" "He said you're going to die." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Post Office worker, at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope, addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because all her savings, $200, has been stolen. She will be cold & hungry this Easter without divine intervention. He organizes the postal workers, who dig deep and come up with $180 to donate. They get it to her by special courier the same morning. A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it: "Dear God, Thank you for the $180 for Easter, which would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was $20 short but that was probably those thieving workers at the Post Office." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Senior Moments Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mable, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mable answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Smart Pills As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out. He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth, as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible, making yum yum noises. The bully, without asking, snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?" "Well, they're smart pills." "Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!" "See, you're getting smarter already." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The answer to the problem is found in the first sentence. "YOU" are driving the bus, so the color is, of course, the color of YOUR eyes. If you didn't get it right, don't worry. The majority of people won't answer correctly. If you got it right, you have exceptional problem solving skills ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~