The brook would lose its song if the rocks were removed. Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Teaching Profession One day a balloonist noticed that he was lost. He descended and spotted a woman on the ground. "Hey," he shouted," can you tell me where I am? I promised to meet a friend an hour ago but I am lost." The woman said, " You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet off the ground, between 49 and 50 degrees north latitude and 60 and 61 degrees west longitude". "You must be a teacher," the balloonist said. "I am," replied the woman, "but how did you know that?" "Well, everything you told me is technically correct," said the balloonist, but I still don't know where I am. I can't make anything out of the information, I'm still lost, and you haven't been very helpful." "Oh", said the woman, "I can tell you are an administrator." "Wow!" said the balloonist, "How did you know?" "Well, You don't know where you are or where you are going. You've made a promise you can't keep. You've risen to your position due to a lot of hot air. AND you expect ME to solve your problem. Frankly, you're in the same position you were before you met me, but now, somehow it's MY fault!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post. "Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily. "Three hundred bucks," replied the young man. Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come back!" Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?" "He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? He was allergic to carrots. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In March, 1992 a man living in Newton (near Boston), Massachusetts, received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there were usage on the account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake and he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes. The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. " So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine. " So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work." The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show? No theme song. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say good bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Editors note .... I did not write this one, but you have to keep an open mind and not be too political or party biased, this is humor, it is a joke, don't take it too serious. 21 Gun Salute I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power. I was proud as Mr. Bush took his oath of office. I was sad as I watched Mr. Clinton board Air Force One for the final time. It may surprise you that this made me sad, but watching this part of the days festivities, I saw 21 U.S. Marines, in full dress, with rifles, fire a 21 gun salute to the outgoing president. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated. Every last one of them missed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I AM THANKFUL............... FOR THE HUSBAND WHO COMPLAINS WHEN HIS DINNER IS NOT ON TIME, BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME, NOT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. FOR THE TEENAGER WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES, BECAUSE THAT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME & NOT ON THE STREETS. FOR THE TAXES THAT I PAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM EMPLOYED. FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS. FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT. FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE. FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING, WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING, AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME. FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH. FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND THAT I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION. FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM. FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH THAT SINGS OFF KEY, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I CAN HEAR. FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES AT THE END OF THE DAY, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD. FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS, BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I AM ALIVE. AND FINALLY.......FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL, BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME. ************************************************** ************************************************** Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage Burglarize: What a crook sees with It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Can One Ever Have Too Much Wisdom ? Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at ex-lovers, and miss. Cooking lesson #1: Don't fry bacon in the nude. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. If you're not part of the solution, start another problem! If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick boxing. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the longer you live. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet? You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened. We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors... but they all have to learn to live in the same box. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little girl was reading on an airplane when the man beside her noticed her storybook, entitled "Jonah and the Whale. "The man thought he would see if the little girl believed the story about Jonah. So, after saying Hi to the girl he asked her to tell him about the book she was holding. The girl said the book was about Jonah, and how he was swallowed by a whale. The man asked: "Do you believe that really happened?" The little girl replied, "Yes, I believe the story of Jonah is true." You mean you really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and okay? She said, "Absolutely, this story is in the Bible and we studied it in Sunday school today!" Then the man asked, "How can you prove that the story about Jonah is true?" She thought for a moment, and then said, "When I get to Heaven I'll ask Jonah." The man then asked, "What if Jonah's NOT in Heaven?" She put her hands on her little waist, and sternly said: "Then I guess YOU can ask him!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NOTE! This is a FICTIONAL story ............ Tripper Gore, an amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that her husband's great-great uncle, Chadsworth Gore, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889. The only known photograph of Chadsworth Gore shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Chadsworth Gore; horse thief, sent to Tennessee Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889." After letting A.W. Gore and his staff of professional image consultants peruse the findings, they decided to crop Chadsworth's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that the biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press as follows: "Chadsworth Gore was a famous rancher in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad ... Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad." "In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton DetectiveAgency. In 1889, Chadsworth Gore passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed." And thus passed the very first "hanging Chad." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The rainbows of life follow the storms Always remember to proofread carefully to see if you any words out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE TRUTH IN 13 WORDS.... Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the heck happened. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going He says,"Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The one in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Everyone believes in heredity until their children act like fools. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How did these 7 people survive ??????? (no blondes? !) 1. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. 2. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened..... 3. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy." 4. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries, it's a long walk. 5. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. 6. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich. 7. My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A fool and his money is soon elected. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Late one night in Washington, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this. I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Never slap a man who chews tobacco." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her (or him) sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How much is a billion? What's the difference between a millionaire and a billionaire? A million seconds is 13 days. A billion seconds is 31 years! A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. A billion dollars ago was yesterday at the U.S. Treasury. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Discovered on an old tombstone - "I told you I was sick" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATIONS LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS! HEARING AIDS, BAND AIDS, ROL AIDS WALKING AIDS, MEDICAL AIDS, GOVERNMENT AIDS MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sad but true . . . John Doe started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6:00a.m. While his coffee pot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka), designer jeans (made in Singapore), and tennis shoes (made in Korea). After cooking his breakfast in his electric skillet [made in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico), to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (made in Taiwan), to the radio (made in India), he got in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for a good-paying American job. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia), then wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in AMERICA ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living. The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it. Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third. There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GOD IS LIKE..... God is a little like General Electric, He lights your path. God is a little like Bayer Aspirin, He works wonders. God is a little like Hallmark Cards, He cared enough to send the very best. God is a little like Tide, He gets out the stains that others leave behind. God is a little like VO-5 Hair Spray, He holds through all kinds of weather. God is a little like Dial Soap, Aren't you glad you know Him? Don't you wish everyone did? God is a little like Sears, He has everything. God is a little like Alka Seltzer, Oh, what a relief He is! God is a little like Scotch Tape, You can't see Him but you know He's there! God is a little like The Copper Top Battery, Nothing can outlast Him. God is a little like American Express, Don't leave home without Him! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He/she was so dumb... ..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ..he sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ..she thought a quarterback was a refund. ..he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. ..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. ..he thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. ..she thought General Motors was in the army. ..he thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. ..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." ..he tripped over a cordless phone. ..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ..he told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." ..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius." ..he asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. ..she studied for a blood test. ..he thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ..he sold the car for gas money! ..when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ..when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," he turned around and went home. ..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ..he thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. ..he thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. ..she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Art produces ugly things which frequently become more beautiful with time. Fashion, on the other hand, produces beautiful things which always become ugly with time." -- Jean Cocteau "Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them." --Lily Tomlin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate. "Is it a bee?" another student asked. "Nope," Tommy replied. "Bee flat." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yesterday I bought a box of Fudgesicles, and on the side of the box it said "Warning: Product is extremely cold and may stick to warm lips and skin." What kind of society needs to be warned that Fudgesicles are COLD? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Washington Post recently had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it in the old days. Winners and runners-up are listed below. Second Runner-up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. First Runner-up: In my day we didn't have MTV, inline skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. And the winner: In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. Honorable Mentions: In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes, we did. Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. Back in my day they had not invented electricity, We had to watch television by candlelight. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along. The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it. The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock. The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ With the former governor of Texas as our President, we are all required to learn some new phrases for use in our daily conversations: The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving (Not overly-intelligent) As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party (self-explanatory) Tighter than bark on a tree (Not very generous) Big hat, no cattle (All talk and no action) We've howdied but we ain't shook yet (We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced) He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow (Has a pretty high opinion of himself) She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth (That woman can talk) It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs (We really could use a little rain around here) He's wearin' another man's boots (Appearances can be deceptive) This ain't my first rodeo (I've been around awhile) He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch (Not the most handsome of men) They ate supper before they said grace (Living in sin) Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope (Stop arguing and do as you're told) As full of wind as a corn-eating horse (Rather prone to boasting) You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits (You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THINGS TO REMEMBER 1. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. 2. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. 3. Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 4. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. 5. There is always death and taxes, however death doesn't get worse every year. 6. It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 7. I am having an out of money experience. 8. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. 9. I am in shape. Round is the shape. 10. A day without sunshine is like night. 11. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. 12. I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though. 13. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. 14. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. 15. You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ and this last one is not HUMOR, but I had to add. (ed.) "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW" Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem. And we said, an expert should know what he's talking about, so we won't spank them anymore.. Then someone said teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave. And the school administrators said no faculty member in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don't want any bad publicity, and we surely don't want to besued. And we accepted their reasoning.. Then someone said, let's let our daughters have abortions if they want, and they won't even have to tell their parents. And we said, that's a grand idea.. Then some wise school board member said, since boys will be boys and they're going to do it anyway, let's give our sons all the condoms they want, so they can have all the fun they desire, and we won't have to tell their parents they got them at school. And we said, that's another great idea.. Then some of our top elected officials said it doesn't matter what we do in private as long as we do our jobs. And agreeing with them, we said it doesn't matter to me what anyone, including the President, does in private as long as I have a job and the economy is good. And then someone said let's print magazines with pictures of nude women and call it wholesome down-to-earth appreciation for the beauty of the female body. And we said we have no problem with that. And someone else took that appreciation a step further and published pictures of children and then stepped further still by making them available on the Internet. And we said they're entitled to their free speech. And the entertainment industry said, let's make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence, and illicit sex. And let's record music that encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes. And we said it's just entertainment, it has no adverse effect, and nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead.. Therefore, now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves. Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with... "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW." In light of the recent school shooting in California: Dear God: "Why didn't you save those two boys?" Sincerely, Concerned Student AND THE REPLY........ Dear Concerned Student: "I am not allowed in schools." Sincerely, God ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When you are DOWN to nothing .... God is UP to something" Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist. Remember to always: Take care of the Body, Nourish the Mind, and Embrace the Soul. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Perhaps we are looking at this from a wrong perspective; this search for the truth, the meaning of life, the reason of God. We all have this mindset that the answers are so complex and so vast that its almost impossible to comprehend. I think, on the contrary, that the answers are so simple; so simple that it is staring us straight in the face, screaming its lungs out, and yet we fail to notice it. Jason O. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" Johnny's father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish". The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If I give you my idea, and you give me yours, then we each have two ideas, and together we have four. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Glossary by Design or the REAL meanings. Give us your interpretation. (I can't wait to hear this!) See me, or Let's Discuss. (Come into my office, I'm lonely.) All new! (Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.) Rugged (Too heavy to lift!) Lightweight (Lighter than rugged.) Years of development (One finally worked.) Energy saving (Achieved when the power switch is off.) Low maintenance (Impossible to fix if broken.) What the Engineer says (What it really means) A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still grasping at straws.) We're working on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired three kids fresh out of college.) Close project coordination. (We know who to blame.) Major technological break through. (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.) Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured. (We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.) Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.) Test results were extremely gratifying. (We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.) The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only person who understood the thing quit.) It is in process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.) We'll look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems for now.) Please read and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake.) Give us the benefit of your thoughts. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One learns not to be surprised at wisdom from unexpected sources. Dr. Norman Vincent Peale ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEVER ANGER YOUR NURSE A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For months he had been her devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions: "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," he began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being -- a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight he saw a sympathetic gleam in her eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, she responded, "I think its a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly." Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The statistician says "On average, four - give or take 10 percent, but on average, four." Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, a really good book and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls open! ed and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma...." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Inappropriate Attire A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top. An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style. He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to say about that, too!" "Yes dear," she said, "you did . . . you asked me for my phone number!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Signs you live in 2001 1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it. 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 20. You disconnect from the internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~