A wise man once said that tragedy is not what we suffer, but what we miss. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Often, we don't recognize real moments of happiness in our lives because we've been expecting something different- something bigger or perhaps more dramatic. Joan Lunden ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I bought my wife a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good mood it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who had insomnia? He laid awake nights wondering if there really was a dog. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do you call a midget fortune-teller who just escaped from jail? A small medium at large. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To err is human; to purr, feline. To err is human; two curs, canine. To err is human; to do nothing, benign. To err is human; to quit, resign. To err is human; to howl about it, lupine. To err is human; to solve it, design. To err is human; to admit it, asinine. To err is human; to moo bovine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service. The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger. "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister. "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes. Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A new computer owner (Blonde?) was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, she called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID ten T error." A puzzled expression ran riot over her face. "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again??" He gave her a grin... ;-) ... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?" "No," she replied "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, and telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Resume - Job History My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net! income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. So then I got a job at a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Hearing problems An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 p.m., I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid........ I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. I'm very good at telling stories ..... over and over and over. I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.... I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians...... I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg. I'm having trouble remembering simple words like......... I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.... I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, antismoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory... I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors, ......absolutely nothing! I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. I'm in the initial stage of my golden years: SS, IRA'S, AARP..... I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? I'm supporting all movements now.... by eating bran, prunes, and raisins. I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the storeroom. I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!! Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to many more! You didn't send it , did you??????? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you love the good that you see in another, you make it your own. Saint Gregory The Great ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds tomorrow. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The best bridge between despair and hope is a good night's sleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CNN this morning showed George W. leaving HM-1. The marine at the front step saluted, GW returned it, and as he walked away, the marine executed a right face to stand facing GW's back...something that was missing in eight years of the Clinton presidency. The traditional Marine Corps mark of respect was rendered to the new president. That one goes back to the days in the rigging, when the marine orderly to the ship's captain always faced him, no matter his direction of movement, to be ready to receive an order. Leave it to the Marines to speak so loudly without ever uttering a word. - JOHN COLLINS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was rich industrialist who was disturbed to find a fisherman sitting lazily beside his boat. "Why aren't you out there fishing?" he asked. "Because I've caught enough fish for today," said the fisherman. "Why don't you catch more fish than you need?" the rich man asked. "What would I do with them?" "You could earn more money," came the impatient reply, "and buy a better boat so you could go deeper and catch more fish. You could purchase nylon nets, catch even more fish, and make more money. Soon you'd have a fleet of boats and be rich like me." The fisherman asked, "Then what would I do?" "You could sit down and enjoy life," said the industrialist. "What do you think I'm doing now?" the fisherman replied as he looked placidly out to sea. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY, BUT... The parachute company says you'll get a full refund. They say the house didn't float very far at all. We're all amazed that you go on living each day. Well, at least the operation was a partial success. The "National Enquirer" just loved those nude shots of you. The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow. The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions. At least the passenger side air bag inflated. Jenny Jones wants you for this "secret admirer show." The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars. At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did. The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T-Bird. The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers. Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it. The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally. Just imagine if you're ex-wife had had a good lawyer. Look on the bright side, those fertility drugs worked 6 times better than expected! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late ... But please don't shove me either!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.""Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Revenge" Well, folks, it has finally happened. The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes: WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE? Brown-bagging it. WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE? No one else wants it. WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS? So brunettes can remember them. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES? Invisible. WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL? "Has the blonde left yet? " WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable. WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch? WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY? The invitation WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE? A hostage WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES? Fisher-Price WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR? It matches their mustache ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replied... as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman. "But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff. "Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One day the first grade teacher was reading the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said, "WOW, real cool ! A talking pig!!!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Parrot Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!" To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisdom is but truth and love. R. R. Ball ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mamma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Age Barometer, Count how many you remember... 1. Blackjack chewing gum 2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles 5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P.F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933) 12. Peashooters 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM records 15. S&H Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi's 17. Metal ice trays with levers 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue flashbulbs 20. Beanie and Cecil 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork popguns 23. Drive-in 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers If you remembered 0-5 You're still young If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older If you remembered 11-15 Don't tell your age If you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt! Editor's note .... me older than dirty dirt ! I got 24. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt. The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area. "A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment. "It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift. So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "A Realistic Look At Job Descriptions" An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people. A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A topologist is a someone who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and doughnut. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." A psychologist is someone who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the FBI?" Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Walter Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave. The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house. "Hey, Walter! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." HAPPY BIRTHDAY! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Pastor Roger Matthews tells the following story: We were traveling one summer in the Pocono Mountains and, like a good Presbyterian family, attended church while we were on vacation. One lazy Sunday we found our way to a little Methodist Church. It was a hot day and the folks were nearly out in the pews. The preacher was preaching on and on until, all of a sudden, he said, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." The congregation let out a gasp, came to immediate attention, and the dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymnbook. Then the preacher said, "It was my mother." The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as the sermon concluded. I filed this trick away in my memory, a great way to get the congregation's attention back when it has been lost. Sure enough, the next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them. Then I remembered our experience in the Pocono Mountains, and I said in a booming voice, "The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man's wife." Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came next. All I could think to say was, "And for the life of me, I can't remember her name!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm 'older' (but I refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered: ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded... FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. SIX- If all is not lost, where is it? SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents. ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause...kids. TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. THIRTEEN- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after. NINETEEN- UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT, AND DOUBT IF YOU CAN EITHER. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There is so much good in the worst of us, and so much bad in the best of us, that it behooves all of us not to talk about the rest of us. Robert Louis Stevenson ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Maybe if I had not picked up that one person dying on the street, I would not have picked up the thousands. Mother Teresa ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor,"replied the young man, still focused on the plaque, then he asked, "Pastor Bollinger, what is this?" "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From "The Daily Bread" - The story is told of a man who got a permit to open the first tavern in a small town. The members of a local church were strongly opposed to the bar, so they began to pray that God would intervene. A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open, lightning hit the structure and it burned to the ground. The people of the church were surprised but pleased- until they received notice that the would-be tavern owner was suing them. He contended that their prayers were responsible for the burning of the building. They denied the charge. At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly remarked, "At this point I don't know what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and these church people don't." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Holy Smoke ! An inter-church gathering was well attended when someone suddenly cried "FIRE!" The Methodists gathered in a corner to pray. The Baptists hollered "Everyone in the water !" The Lutherans nailed a paper to the door declaring fire was evil. The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out in an orderly manner. The Unitarians concluded the fire had as much right to be there as anyone. The Christian Scientists agreed there really wasn't a fire. The 7th Day Adventists said it was "the vengeance of an angry God." The Presbyterians formed a committee to study the problem. The Catholics passed the plate to cover the damages. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees at home concerning an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" The boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. The small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ George W. Bush was asked if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. He answered that he thought it was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At a catholic gathering, Mother superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - God is watching." On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies which a student had placed a sign on saying, "Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon." "I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied. "It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A rich man was near death, and was saddened because he had worked so hard for his money, and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So, he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth along. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry," the angel said, "but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might make an allowance. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man got his largest suitcase, filled it with pure gold bars, and placed it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission, and told him to verify his story with God. St. Peter checked and came back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." He opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind, and exclaimed, "You brought PAVEMENT???" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EXPRESSIONS FOR WOMEN ON HIGH STRESS DAYS 1. You - Off my planet 2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 5. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 6. Nothing, just NOTHING! 7. Allow me to introduce my selves. 8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up. 11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep. 13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 16. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? 17. Refer to number 6 18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 19. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done. 20. Earth is full. Go home. 21. Is it time for your medication or mine? 22. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. Share with other women in stressful positions. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One-liners ................................ _ Lights travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, some one would be stupid enough to try to pass them. You can't have everything - where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It has been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a one. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. When you go into court you're putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough get out of jury duty. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Is it OK to yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station? Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Geography Trivia Question: What two states have the most states bordering them? They each have 8 states that border around them. The answer is at the end ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Watch It! Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando. "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. "If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While I was visiting my sister at college, we entered the cafeteria, and she immediately warned me to stay away from the main course. "How do you know it isn't good?" I asked. "You haven't even seen it." She pointed to the tub of peanut butter, which was always available as an alternative, and explained, "Any time there are more than five knives in the peanut butter, you know the food is bad." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All in your point of view. Little Johnny, burst into the house, crying his eyes out. His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." "Now come on, Johnny," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed." "That's what I did, Mama." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "After a worship service, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, the Pastor is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MONEY.... It can buy you a House, but not a Home. It can by you a Bed, But not sleep It can buy you a clock, But not time It can buy you a Book, But not knowledge It can buy you a Position, But not Respect It can buy you medicine, But not health It can buy you blood, but not Life It can buy you sex, But not Love So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying! I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering... So send me all you money and I will suffer for you. A truer Friend than me you will never find. CASH ONLY, Please! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius, the Pilot!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Waller, Texas got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly , Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving ...seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now, this confused Satan a bit. So he walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Naming the Suspects The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals: "We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of Senior Citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. Still another said, I couldn't even punch out the Chad at election time. My hands were too weak. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth. To which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,".... another went on. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This ought to scare you, if the previous one didn't. If 99.9% Is Good Enough Then: 1. 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily 2. 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year 3. 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour 4. 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year 5. 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers 6. Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day 7. 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled 8. 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year 9. 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips 10. 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year 11. 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat 12. 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly 13. 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections 14. A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds) 15. Next time the elections roll around I'll be elected president.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KIDS You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing. There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it," - Chinese Proverb. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. We childproofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in! Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years." The cow objected, "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years." The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed. On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span." The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed. On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span." The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed. AND THAT'S WHY.... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN ! 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worm dizzy. 22. It will however make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why Kids Can Drive Us Crazy: TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday? STUDENT: Seven. TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday? STUDENT: Nine. TEACHER: That's impossible. STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today. ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS: George! ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLY: Me! ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Are you chewing gum? BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson. ------------------------------------------ TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave? STUDENT: Yes, Sir. TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't? STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours. ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. ----------------------------------------------------- HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? TEACHER: Of course not. HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework. ------------------------------------------------ TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." ---------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper. JOHN: I hope you didn't either. ---------------------------------------------------- GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test. TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you. ----------------------------------------------------- MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test? JUNIOR: Because of absence. MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test? JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was. ------------------------------------------------- SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card. ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. FATHER: What's that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating. ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher...snakes don't have feet. ----------------------------------------------------- HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? JOSE: Don't bite any. ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I". ELLEN: I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am." ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get? SASHA: A new bike. ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? VINCENT: One dollar. TEACHER (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic. VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father. ----------------------------------------------------- TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have? CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands! ----------------------------------- BOY: Isn't the principal a dummy! GIRL: Say, do you know who I am? BOY: No. GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter. BOY: And do you know who I am? GIRL: No. BOY: Thank goodness! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Trivia Answer from above: Missouri and Tennessee ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~