Three old sisters--92, 94,and 96 years old, respectively; all lived together. One day the oldest drew a bath. She put one foot in the water, paused, then called downstairs to her sisters: Am I getting in the tub or out of the tub? The middle sister started up the stairs to help, then paused and called back downstairs: Was I going up or coming down? The youngest sister, who was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, said, I guess I'll have to help. I hope I never get that forgetful! and knocked on wood. She got up then, and paused. I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door! she called. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic and laid it on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope and placed the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, thoroughly checking out the poor, dead dog with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning dead as a door nail). The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning he's history). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!!" The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An English teacher at Iowa State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors in her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples. A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?" "Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state. After a slight pause the student tried again, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer and business has been slow," the man replies. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces." The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel." The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, on," to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir, really." The teacher, in a huff, said, "Alright young man, march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!" The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, "Come on, Chicken Feet, he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. Helen Keller ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself. C. S. Lewis ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows, they are still counting.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young boy went to his father and asked: "Why do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?" His father thought for a minute and said: "Son, they don't, some start with 'If I am elected, I promise...' and others start with 'I promise that if I am elected...'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gore and Bush were in a restaurant ordering brunch. The waitress asks Gore what he would like to order. After looking at the menu, Al says "I would like some Eggs Benedict." Waitress says "Fine, and what will you have Gov. Bush?" Perusing the menu, George says "Well, I think I'd like to have a quickie." Taken aback, the waitress responds "Why Gov. Bush, that's awful, and you're not even President yet!" Then Gore leans over and whispers into Bush's ear; "George, that's pronounced 'quiche' " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In a country home that seldom had guests, a young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests. When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest. This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer. "Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked. The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope." "Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked. "Nope." "How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?" "Nope." Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said. "Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Things to Ponder Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kittylitter? If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? What do chickens think we taste like? What do people in China call their good plates? What do you call a male ladybug? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited? Have you ever imagined a world without Hypothetical situations? If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil? If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose? Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Kentucky goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'BillyBob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries". Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read,'Billy Bob died - 1957 Pickup for sale' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thoughts to live by: "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world." "Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger." "Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job." "A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous." "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side." "I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to." "Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip." "People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross." "Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it." "Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep." "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself." "There are two things I've learned: There is a God. And, I'm not Him." "Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Advice: You have to pronouce these in order to get the joke. Amathophobia: The fear of dust. Anananany: The inability to stop spelling 'banana' once you've started. Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching! Androphobia: The fear of men. Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits. Anthropophobia: The fear of human beings. Archibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth. Eonaphobics: The fear of transvestites. Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked "Who goes there?" Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays. Genuphobia: The fear of knees. Graphophobia: The fear of writing. Heortophobia: The fear of holidays. Iophobia: The fear of rust. Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule. Lyssophobia: The fear of insanity. Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty. Phobaphobia: The fear of fear itself. Phobia: What you have left over after you drink two out of a 6-pack. Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking. Pognophobia: The fear of beards. Quadriphobia: The fear of 4-way stops and not knowing who goes next. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measures anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them. George Bernard Shaw ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There is a wonderful law of nature that the three things we crave most - happiness, freedom, and peace of mind- are always attained by giving them to someone else. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ George W. and his wife Laura are camping in the desert, they set up their tent, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Laura wakes her husband. "George, George, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." George replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" asks Laura. George ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, honey?" Laura is silent for a moment, then speaks. "George, you Dummy , someone has stolen our tent." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we are married." The man happily says, "OK. Brilliant!" The woman says "Good ...get your own blanket." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Midnight!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Best Patients " Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to glitches in the celestial Time-Space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously (even though their deaths take place decades apart). The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions the Good Doctor "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak in Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and requests "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers; the blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe -with arcane mathematics and symbols - his Special Theory of Relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs "Come on in, George". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. 7) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 8) Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac. 9) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 10) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 11) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 12) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's (or Grandma's) lap. GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 3) One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 4) Carsickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. 5) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires. 6) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 7) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 8) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. 9) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 10) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. 11) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don't try this at home... It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang. "Hello?" I said. A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?" "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded. "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00." Silence on the other end... a confused silence. "Is this Steve?" My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number. So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?" "Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice. I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00." A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!" "The girl he went out with." "I know that! I mean... who is she?" "I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?" "Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home." She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?" She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?" Apparently she wasn't. "Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake." "Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home." I smiled and said, "Okay, I will, but Becky isn't going to like this" *Click* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The long awaited Latest edition of the Darwin "Natural Selection" Awards-Criminal Category have been released! (And 3 Idiots as additional mentions.) These awards are given each year to bestow upon that individual, who through isolation by incarceration, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. RUNNER-UP # 9 - Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse. RUNNER-UP # 8 - Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. RUNNER-UP # 7 - A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. RUNNER-UP # 6 - A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window.So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. RUNNER-UP # 5 - From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine. RUNNER-UP # 4 - Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself. RUNNER-UP # 3 - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence. RUNNER-UP # 2 - R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri. RUNNER-UP # 1 - Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. AND THE WINNER IS: A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued .... and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 1 - I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room... Right away!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 2 - Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 3 - Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. ************************************* ************************************* I'm an old man who has known a great many problems, most of which never happened. Mark Twain ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Since you cannot do good to all, you are to pay special regard to those who, by the accidents of time, or place, or circumstances, are brought into closer connection with you. Saint Augustine of Hippo ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Would you enjoy reading one of America's foremost humor publications? If so, subscribe to the "Congressional Record" While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was examining his son's report card. "One thing is definitely in your favor," he announced. "With this report card, you couldn't possibly be cheating." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw a picture illustrating a Bible story. One paper handed in contained a picture of a big car. An old man with long whiskers flying in the breeze was driving. A man and woman were in the backseat. Puzzled, the teacher asked little Jimmy to explain his drawing. "Why that is God. He's driving Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he or she says happens at home." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A true Irishman speaks! Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes eight!" Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have two International Harvester combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks,14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke." "Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have a thousand bombers, 500 MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million." "Faith and begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer. "But I did send them," said the defendant. "What?? You did?" "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Life Reflections by George Carlin 1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 6. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window into the wind? 7. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? 8. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. 9. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. 10. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. 11.They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. 12. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it. Harry S. Truman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Son: Why is Father singing to the baby so much tonight? Mother: He is trying to sing her asleep. Son: Well, If I were her, I'd pretend I was asleep. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip, tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." -- Lynda Montgomery ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Let's see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in the America of the 1990s...... If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll musician he liked. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. God bless America, land of the free, home of the blame." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms -- calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they were still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Investor in the Stock Market, In checking our records, we find you own stock in the American Can Company, the National Water Works, and the Universal Gas Company. Our advice to you, after careful consideration is for you to sit tight on your Can, hold your Water, and let your Gas go. Very truly yours, P.Potts, Manager Squatt @ Leavett P.S. Oh yes, Scott tissue touched a new bottom today and thousands were wiped clean. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE I WENT OUT IN THE REAL WORLD A woman needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying "Thank you" though it helps if you say it with a Southern accent.. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste. Never continue dating anyone who is rude to the waiter. If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right". Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. Never marry a man you meet in a bar. If he says that you are too good for him--believe it. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you. Work is good but it's not important. Never under estimate the kindness of your fellow man. And finally..Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ St. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks. "No, it's alright. Won't be long." And he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on. St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again. The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My son, Mitchell, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D" "Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That Catholic education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.. Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - *I* don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An application was for employment, A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity, A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age, A CD was a bank account Compress was something you did to garbage, Not something you did to a file Log on was adding wood to a fire, Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived, And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife, Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home, And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper, And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash, But when it happens they wish they were dead! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One evening a boy was talking to his father about current events. He asked what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The granddad replied, "Well, let me think a minute ... I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There weren't things like radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose,dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, and he hadn't walked on the moon. Your Mom and I got married first -- then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir' -- and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title,'Sir.' In our time, closets were for clothes -- not for 'coming out of.' Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and just visiting with family or neighbors. We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers,and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends, not condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on radio. I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby. 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us old and confused and say there is such a generation gap. And I'm only 60 ................ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~