There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schulz A ship is safe in the harbor but that isn't what ships are for. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A beautiful thought from Lisa Beamer on Good Morning America. If you remember, she's the wife of Todd Beamer who said 'Let's Roll!' and helped take down the plane that was heading for Washington D. C. She said it's the little things that she misses most about Todd, such as hearing the garage door open as he came home, and her children running to meet him. She's now the Mom of a beautiful little girl, Mary. Lisa recalled this story: I had a very special teacher in high school many years ago whose husband died suddenly of a heart attack. About a week after his death, she shared some of her insight with a classroom of students. As the late afternoon sunlight came streaming in through the classroom windows and the class was nearly over, she moved a few things aside on the edge of her desk and sat down there. With a gentle look of reflection on her face, she paused and said, Class is over, I would like to share with all of you, a thought that is unrelated to class, but which I feel is very important. Each of us is put here on earth to learn, share, love, appreciate and give of ourselves. None of us knows when this fantastic experience will end. It can be taken away at any moment. Perhaps this is the powers way of telling us that we must make the most out of every single day. Her eyes, beginning to water, she went on, So I would like you all to make me a promise. From now on, on your way to school, or on your way home, find something beautiful to notice. It doesn't have to be something you see, it could be a scent, perhaps of freshly baked bread wafting out of someone's house, or it could be the sound of the breeze slightly rustling the leaves in the trees, or the way the morning light catches one autumn leaf as it falls gently to the ground. Please look for these things, and cherish them. For, although it may sound trite to some, these things are the "stuff" of life. The little things we are put here on earth to enjoy. The things we often take for granted. We must make it important to notice them, for at anytime ... it can all be taken away. The class was completely quiet. We all picked up our books and filed out of the room silently. That afternoon, I noticed more things on my way home from school than I had that whole semester. Every once in a while, I think of that teacher and remember what an impression she made on all of us, and I try to appreciate all of those things that sometimes we all overlook. Take notice of something special you see on your lunch hour today. Go barefoot. Or walk on the beach at sunset. Stop off on the way home tonight to get a double dip ice cream cone. For as we get older, it is not the things we did that we often regret, but the things we didn't do. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "OK, let me see that map!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man appears before the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks. "Well, I can think of one thing...." the man offers.? "Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.? So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, ' Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'" St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" "A couple of minutes ago." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss". The husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong!" And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?" His wife says calmly, "The undertaker. . ." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's teacher; she's dead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YOU MIGHT BE FROM THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST IF YOU... Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash. Use the expression: "sun break" and know what it means. Know more than 10 ways to order coffee. Know more people who own boats than air conditioners. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant. Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal. Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently errupted, it's not a real mountain. Complain about Californians, as you sell your house for twice its value to one. Know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon. Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon and Willamette. Consider swimming an indoor sport. In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark - while only working 8-hour days. Obey all traffic laws except "Keep right except to pass." Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho. Are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain" and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers." Can't wait for a day with "Showers and sun breaks." Have no concept of humidity without precipitation. Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best Coffee, and Veneto's. Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind. Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can't see through the cloud cover. Say "the mountain is out" when it's a pretty day and you can actually see it. Feel like you've grown up with Bill Gates and can't quite figure out why people can be so mean to him. Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka. Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on. Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain. Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists. Knew immediately that the view out Frasier's window was fake. AND..... You know you're from the NW if you buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Learn something "new" every day . . . . . . Did You Know? Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. I keep my toothbrush in the living room now. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. The wingspan of the B-36, a retired USAF bomber, was twice as long. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first 'Marlboro Man'. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Pearls melt in vinegar. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. (Or over the moon.) A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. And, the best for last.....Turtles can breathe through their butts. Now, you know everything there is to know. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Memories of another day, another time. Burma-Shave shaving soap was created by the O'Dell brothers who lived in Minneapolis and had a little plant in the Bryn Mar district. On Mondays they would drive along the highways near a town and place these signs. Then they would proceed to the next town and repeat the process. Late on Thursday and into Friday they would backtrack and call upon the local drug store(s) asking, "No doubt you have had calls for Burma-Shave." They would take orders and leave the merchandise along with reorder forms. That's how they got started in the thirties, and they did it for years. Finally in the early 60s, Philip Morris became interested in this little Burma-Shave company. As I remember, the company's sales were a respectable $900,000 a year when the business was sold to Philip Morris. Philip Morris then proceeded to buy a series of one-minute TV commercials on NFL football, which cost something like $150,000 each. This decision actually destroyed a good little profit-making company in one football season. You might say it went up like smoke! BURMA SHAVE MADE THEIR SALES USING SIGNS, POSTS AND NAILS PHILIP MORRIS TRIED TV AND NOW YOU NO LONGER SEE **Burma-Shave** Signs. Remember these?? Some of you may have been too young...but to us 'Golden Years Survivors' it was fun: For those of you who never saw the Burma Shave signs, a quick lesson: before Interstates, when everyone drove the old 2-lane roads cross-country, Burma Shave signs would be posted all along those roads in farmers' fields-small red signs with white letters-five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4-line quatrain poem, and the obligatory 5th sign identifying Burma Shave. They were entertaining and often inspirational. Here are a few examples: DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD DROVE TOO LONG TO GAIN A MINUTE DRIVER SNOOZING YOU NEED YOUR HEAD WHAT HAPPENED NEXT YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT IS NOT AMUSING **Burma-Shave** **Burma-Shave** BROTHER SPEEDERS CAUTIOUS RIDER LET'S REHEARSE TO HER RECKLESS DEAR ALL TOGETHER LET'S HAVE LESS BULL GOOD MORNING NURSE AND LOTS MORE STEER **Burma-Shave** **Burma-Shave** THE MIDNIGHT RIDE SPEED WAS HIGH OF PAUL FOR BEER WEATHER WAS HOT LED TO A WARMER TIRES WERE THIN HEMISPHERE X MARKS THE SPOT **Burma-Shave** **Burma-Shave** AROUND THE CURVE PASSING CARS LICKETY-SPLIT WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE WASN'T IT? OF ETERNITY **Burma-Shave** **Burma-Shave** AROUND THE CORNER NO MATTER THE PRICE THEY WENT WHIZZIN' NO MATTER HOW NEW THE FAULT WAS HERS THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE THE FUNERAL HIS'N IN THE CAR IS YOU **Burma Shave** **Burma-Shave** A GUY WHO DRIVES AT INTERSECTIONS A CAR WIDE OPEN LOOK EACH WAY IS NOT THINKIN' A HARP SOUNDS NICE HE'S JUST HOPIN' BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY ! **Burma-Shave** **Burma-Shave** BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL THE ONE WHO DRIVES EYES ON THE ROAD WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DEPENDS ON YOU DRIVER'S CODE TO DO HIS THINKING **Burma-Shave** **Burma-Shave** PASSING SCHOOL ZONE DON'T PUT YOUR ARM TAKE IT SLOW OUT THE WINDOW TOO FAR LET OUR LITTLE OR IT'LL RIDE HOME SHAVERS GROW IN ANOTHER CAR **Burma-Shave** **Burma-Shave** YOU CAN DO A MILE A MINUTE BUT THERE AINT NO FUTURE IN IT **Burma-Shave ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's all about attitude! Ever wonder what makes a person or team give 100%. What if greater than 100% is achieved? Here is an interesting math fact the might shed some light on this. If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then: K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% But, A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% So, it looks like hard work and knowledge will get you close, but attitude is what gets you there. Have a wonderful day! Don't forget, It's all about your attitude! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for answer. * * * * * * * * * The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke. Men keep'a scrollin'... * * * * * * * * * * So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.So she's NOT perfect! By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." - Dan Quayle A good conscience is a continual Christmas ....... Benjamin Franklin "Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies." - St. Augustine "Many people take no care of their money till they come nearly to the end of it, and others do just the same with their time." - Goethe ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a man who worked all of his life and had saved his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his wife. "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man." She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with the man?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The most important trip you may take in life is meeting people halfway. Youth is when we are always hunting greener pastures, and middle age is when we can barely mow the one we've got. Time: That which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in killing him. Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. -Fran Lebowitz There are only two things a child will share willingly; communicable diseases and his mother's age. -Dr Benjamin Spock I am willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong. -Samuel Goldwin Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. -Groucho Marx What makes equality such a difficult business is that we only want it with our superiors. -Henry Becque If you follow all the rules you miss all the fun. - Katharine Hepburn If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? -Steven Wright ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My granddaughter was constantly complaining about how everywhere she touched her body, it hurt. Her grandma told her to go and see a doctor. Once there, the granddaughter explained to the doctor how everywhere she touched, it hurt. She said, "If I touch here, it hurts, if I touch my arm, it hurts, if I touch my foot, if I . . . " The doctor gave her a complete physical and then delivered his findings. Her finger was broken. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the wake of Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, I want to make a few close friends aware of the next expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle. 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Consmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale,Mary,Fuller Grace. 2. Polygram Records, Werner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Polly Warner Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood. 4. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge to become, of course: ZipAudiDoDa. 5. Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor UPS, and consolidate as FedUP. 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild. 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become, Poupon Pants. 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the Nat'l Org. of Women will become: Knott NOW! 9. "Stop and Shop" with "A&P" and they will call themselves, for everyone's relief, "Stop and P." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE WOODEN BOWL A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about Grandfather," said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor. So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food out of when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've learned that................... no matter what happens how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." sometimes gives you a second chance. you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. every day, you should reach out and touch someone. human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I still have a lot to learn. People will forget what you said ... people will forget what you did ..but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before purchasing it she got a guarantee that the parrot would talk. She took the parrot home. In a week and a half she returned to the store very disappointed. "The parrot doesn't talk." "Did you buy a mirror?" "No." "Every parrot needs a mirror." So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's cage. Another week and a half went by and she returned. "The parrot still doesn't talk." "Did you buy a ladder?" "No." "Every parrot needs a ladder." So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage. Another week and a half passed and she returned. "The parrot still doesn't talk." "Did you buy a swing?" "No." "Every parrot needs a swing." So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage. A week and a half later she returned. She was furious! The store owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?" "No!, he died." "Oh, that's terrible. Did he say anything before he died?" "Yes." "What?" "He gasped 'Don't they have any food down at that store?'" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ..she thought a quarterback was a refund. ..she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. ..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. He Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ..he thought General Motors was in the army. ..he thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. ..he thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ..under "education" on his job application, he put "Hooked on Phonics." She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ..she tripped over a cordless phone. ..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." ..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius." ..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. He Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ..he studied for a blood test. ..he thought he needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ..he sold the car for gas money! ..when he missed the 44 bus, he took the 22 bus twice instead. ..when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," he turned around and went home. She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde: ..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ..she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. ..she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ZEB REPORTS HOME ABOUT THE ARMY Dear Ma and Pa: Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. ( ! ) but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like> the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmonk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving son, Zeb P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good. - Z. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a repeat from many issues ago, repeated here to help you see the light and it leads into the DOGs changing light bulbs........Ed. How many church people does it take to change a light bulb? Roman Catholics: None. They use candles. Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off. Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better. Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarian Universalizes: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Methodists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh! And also prepare a casserole for the potluck that night. HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark... Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again? Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb? Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Thoughts to Ponder": Can someone be a closet claustrophobic? How do you get off a non-stop flight? If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? How do you know when you're out of invisible ink? Why do most countries have only one Monopolies Commission? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Why are wrong numbers never busy? If a lawyer and an IRS agent were drowning, and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper? "Caterpillar" means "hairy cat" in Old French. The average consumer puts 3.2 ice cubes in their glass. It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world's population is intoxicated. In 1922, Pitcairn Airlines was the first to provide airsickness bags. "Taresthesia" is what you call it when your foot falls asleep. Los Angeles has more judges than France. Some lizard species consist only of female animals. Nevada legalized gambling in 1931. At that time, the Hoover Dam was being built and the government did not want its workers (earning 50 cents an hour) to be involved with gambling, so they built the town of Boulder City to house the workers. To this day, Boulder City is the only city in Nevada where gambling is illegal. One hundred years ago the average life expectancy in the United States was 47. No matter how high or low it flies, an airplane's shadow is always the same size. In Japan, squid is the most popular topping for Domino's pizza. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SIGNS TO LIVE BY A clean conscience........makes a soft pillow. A family altar..... can alter a family. A lot of kneeling...... will keep you in good standing. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into Church for a faith lift! Be ye fishers of men. You catch them and He will clean them. Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous. Do your best and then sleep in peace. God is Awake. Don't put a question mark where God put a period. Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church. Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord! Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there. Forbidden fruits create many jams. Give God what's right, not what's left! Give Satan an inch and he'll be a ruler. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called. God doesn't want shares of your life; He wants controlling interest! God grades on the cross, not the curve. God loves everyone, but probably prefers fruits of the spirit over religious nuts! God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage. Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible! He who angers you, controls you! He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone! If God is your Co-pilot - Swap seats! Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back. Man's way leads to a hopeless end! God's way leads to an endless hope! Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity. Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive! Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. Pray is a four letter word that you can say anywhere. Prayer - Don't give God instructions - just report for duty! The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us. The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. To be almost saved is to be totally lost. Walmart isn't the only saving place! WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning! Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does! We don't change the message, the message changes us. We set the sail; God makes the wind. We're too blessed to be depressed. When God ordains, He sustains. Wisdom has two parts: 1) Having a lot to say. 2) Not saying it. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives; are developed. You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come that following of FAITH which is an unspeakable joy. Attitude "The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is that we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our Attitudes." by Charles Swindoll Ed. note ..... Attitude ... One big reason I do "Smilers"! As it says in the Good Book, "A cheerful heart is good medicine..." (Prov 17:22a) Now that's Attitude ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. "That's impossible, No one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The entire congregation came out to hear the new preacher's first sermon. It lasted eight minutes. The next Sunday the preacher's sermon was forty-five minutes. His third sermon was two and a half hours. The pulpit committee called the preacher in and said, "What is happening here?" The preacher replied, "Well, on the first Sunday I had just had all of my teeth pulled. My mouth was sore, so my sermon was short. The next week, I had my new dentures and I was feeling fine." The committee leader said, "But your third sermon was two and a half hours long!" "Oh, yes," the preacher responded. "The third week, I picked up my wife's dentures by mistake." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged bug) , which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me? A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my dang shoes." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A LIST TO KEEP - This list we should all carry around! The most destructive habit....................................Worry The greatest Joy...................................................Giving The greatest loss..............................Loss of self-respect The most satisfying work..........................Helping others The greatest reward........................................Thank you The ugliest personality trait.............................Selfishness The most endangered species...............Dedicated leaders Our greatest natural resource...........................Our youth The greatest "shot in the arm".................Encouragement The greatest problem to overcome...........................Fear The most effective sleeping pill.................Peace of mind The most crippling failure disease......................Excuses The most powerful force in life...............................Love The most dangerous pariah............................A gossiper The world's most incredible computer..............The brain The worst thing to be without............................... Hope The deadliest weapon...................................The tongue The two most power-filled words........................"I Can" The greatest asset...................................................Faith The most worthless emotion..............................Self-pity The most beautiful attire.....................................SMILE! The most prized possession.............................. Integrity The most powerful channel of communication.......Prayer The most contagious spirit............................Enthusiasm The greatest gift........................................ .............Life To the WORLD, YOU may be ONE person; but to ONE person, YOU may be the WORLD! Shalom Y'all, Sandi Jordan "Life has many choices................Eternity has two" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A pastor's church was getting too large for him to cover all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself. All was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same time, this was his answer for his busy life. Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned preacher's personality changed. He started making passes towards women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and the clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top. While the clone was looking at the skyline through the telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and that was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the building and walked past the crowd that had gathered, the police stopped him and placed him under arrest "Under arrest"?? What's the charge? Making an obscene clone fall. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they are way too smart... "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class. "NO!" all the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?" Again the answer was, "NO!" "If I follow the 10 commandments every day, would I get into heaven?" Again the answer was, "NO!" If I go to church and Sunday school every week, say my prayers. and read my Bible every day, would I get into heaven?" Again the answer was, "NO!" "Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be dead!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You don't actually have to take this quiz. Just read the straight through, and you'll get the point (an awesome one) that it is trying to make! 1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world. 2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners. 3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest. 4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize. 5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners. 6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners. How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one: 1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school. 2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time. 3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile. 4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special. 5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with. 6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you. Easier? ...... The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." Charles Schultz ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Take out a one dollar bill, and look at it. The one dollar bill you're looking at first came off the presses in 1957 in its present design. This so-called paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It is actually material. We've all washed it without it falling apart. A special blend of ink is used, the contents we will never know. It is overprinted with symbols and then it is starched to make it water resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look. If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see the scales for a balanced budget. In the center you have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of that dollar bill is something we should all know. If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles. Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the United States. The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved. If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the West or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is un-capped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything. "IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored our undertaking." The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States, and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know what the symbols mean. The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England. Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on its own. At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning, "one nation from many people". Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away.Again, we were coming together as one. Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows. They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But think about this: 13 original colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And, for minorities: the 13th Amendment. I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your children don't know this, and their history teachers don't know this. Too many veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn't care. Too many veterans never came home at all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ed. note .... this last one is not HUMOR, but it is too good not to include in this issue as someone, somewhere, somehow may be able to use it as an example and do some good. Abstain I was holding a notice from my 13-year-old son's school announcing a meeting to preview the new course in sexuality. Parents could examine the curriculum and take part in an actual lesson presented exactly as it would be given to the students. When I arrived at the school, I was surprised to discover only about a dozen parents there. As we waited for the presentation, I thumbed through page after page of instructions in the prevention of pregnancy or disease. I found abstinence mentioned only in passing. When the teacher arrived with the school nurse, she asked if there were any questions. I asked why abstinence did not play a noticeable part in the educational material. What happened next was shocking. There was a great deal of laughter, and someone suggested that if I thought abstinence had any merit, I should go back to burying my head in the sand. The teacher and the nurse said nothing as I drowned in a sea of embarrassment. My mind had gone blank, and I could think of nothing to say. The teacher explained to me that the job of the school was to teach "facts," and the home was responsible for moral training. I sat in silence for the next 20 minutes as the sexuality course was explained. The other parents seemed to give their unqualified support to the materials. At the break time, the teacher announced that there were donuts in the back of the room and requested that everyone put on a name tag and mingle with each other. Everyone moved to the back of the room. As I watched them affixing their name tags and shaking hands, I sat deep in thought. I was ashamed that I had not been able to convince them to include a serious discussion of abstinence in the educational materials. I uttered a silent prayer for guidance. My thoughts were interrupted by the teacher's hand on my shoulder. "Won't you join the others, Mr. Layton?" The nurse smiled sweetly at me. "The donuts are good." "Thank you, no," I replied. "Well, then, how about a name tag? I'm sure the others would like to meet you." "Somehow I doubt that," I replied. "Won't you please join them?" she coaxed. Then I heard a still, small voice whisper, "Don't go." The message in my head was unmistakable: "Don't go!" "I'll just wait here," I said. When the class was called back to order, the teacher looked around the long table and thanked everyone for putting on name tags. She ignored me. Then she said, "Now we're going to give you the same lesson we'll be giving your children. Everyone please peel off your name tags and look at the back of the tag." I watched in silence as the tags came off. "Now then, I drew a tiny flower on the back of one of the tags. Who has it, please?" the teacher asked. The gentleman across from me held it up. "Here it is!" "All right," she said. "The flower represents disease. Do you recall with whom you shook hands?" He pointed to a couple of people. "Very good," she replied. "The handshake in this case represents intimacy. So the two people you had contact with now have the disease." There was laughter and joking among the parents. The teacher continued, "And whom did the two of you shake hands with?" The point was well taken, and she explained how this lesson would show students how quickly disease is spread. She concluded by saying, "Since we all shook hands, we all have the disease." It was then that I heard the still, small voice again. "Speak now," it said, "but be humble." I wryly noted the latter admonition, then rose from my chair. I apologized for any upset I might have caused earlier, congratulated the teacher on an excellent lesson that would impress the youth, and concluded by saying I had only one small point I wished to make. "Not all of us were infected with the disease," I said. "One of us ... abstained." -- Author Unknown ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We are more than the sum of all our problems. Many a fellow is praying for rain with his tub the wrong side up. Sam Jones The Almighty does nothing with out reason, though the frail mind of man cannot explain the reason. Augustine of Hippo ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is incredible. You can actually just go to this Web site and type your name and your state and your driver's license comes up with your picture and all your personal info ....check it out at www.license.shorturl.com. I can't believe they can do that...let me know if yours comes up... this is really bad!!! We have to do something about this!!!...... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like cleaning the driveway before it has stopped snowing. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child ... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. We child proofed our home three years ago and they're still getting in! Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying, "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. A few minutes later, an announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT GENDER ARE THEY? ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them. SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part. SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on. SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some fishing gear, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't fish," answers the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money on a bird dog, would you?" asks the man.. "Never," says the bum, "I don't hunt." The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, fish or hunt." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Somebody said a mother is an unskilled laborer . . . somebody never gave a squirmy infant a bath. Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby . . . somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal" is history. Somebody said a mother's job consists of wiping noses and changing diapers somebody doesn't know that a child is much more than the shell he lives in. Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct somebody never took a three-year-old shopping. Somebody said being a mother is boring . . . somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit. Somebody said teachers, psychologists and pediatricians know more about children than their mothers. . . somebody hasn't invested her heart in another human being. Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out" . . . somebody thinks a child is like a bag of plaster of Paris that comes with directions, a mold and a guarantee. Somebody said being a mother is what you do in your spare time . . . somebody doesn't know that when you're a mother, you're a mother ALL the time. Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices . . . somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child wind up and hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window. Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother . . . somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math. Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first... somebody doesn't have five children. Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books . . . somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose. Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery . . . somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten. Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back . . . somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies. Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married . . . somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings. Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home . . . somebody never had grandchildren. Somebody said being a mother is a side dish on the plate of life . . . somebody doesn't know what fills you up. Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.. . . "somebody" isn't a mother. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Old Geezer Quiz 1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located? a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch c. Next to the horn 2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used? a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c. Large salt shaker 3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top. 4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance? a. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps! 5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II? a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks 6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going? a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. Tucker 7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid? a. Strips of dried peanut butter b. Chocolate licorice bars c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside 8. How was Butch wax used? a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust 9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes? a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key b. Woven straps that crossed the foot c. Long pieces of twine 10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? a. Consider all the facts b. Ask Mom c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo 11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's? a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio 12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey" a. SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar 13. What was the name of ! Caroline Kennedy's pet pony? a. Old Blue b. Paint c. Macaroni 14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill? a. Part of the game of hide and seek b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill 15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show? a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring b. Princess Sacajewea c. Princess Moonshadow 16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school? a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure 17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases? a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos 18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?* a. Meatballs b. Dames c. Ammunition 19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver"* a hit? a. The Ink Spots b. The Supremes c. The Esquires 20. Who left his heart in San Francisco? a. Tony Bennett b. Zavier Cugat c. George Gershwin ANSWERS: 1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on. 2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron? 3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top. 4. a) Blackjack Gum. 5. b) Special tan makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down 6. a) 1946 Studebaker. 7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water. 8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut. 9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck. 10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. 11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease. 12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight! 13. c) Macaroni. 14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill. 15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet. 16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high. 17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store. 18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free. 19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots. 20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is a MUST read for all the women out there! TIPS ON STAYING SAFE...FOR WOMEN I learned from my children's karate classes that the elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do! If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives. Last night I attended a personal safety workshop, and it jolted me. It was given by an amazing man, Pat Malian, who has been a body guard for famous figures like Farrah Fawcett and Sylvester Stallone. He works for the FBI and teaches police officers and Navy SEALS hand-to-hand combat. This man has seen it all, and knows a lot. He focused his teachings to us on HOW TO AVOID BEING THE VICTIM OF A VIOLENT CRIME. He gave us some statistics about how much the occurrences of random violence have escalated over the recent years, and it's terrible. Something like 99% of us will be exposed to, or become a victim of a violent crime. Here are some of the most important points that I got out of his presentation: (1.) The three reasons women are easy targets for random acts of violence are: (a.) Lack of Awareness. You MUST know where you are & what's going on around you. (b.) Body Language, Keep your head up, swing your arms, stand straight up. (c.) Wrong Place, Wrong Time DON'T walk alone in an alley, or drive in a bad neighborhood at night. 2.) Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc). DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. (a.) A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. (b.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. (c.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side o your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.) (3.) ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot). (4.) If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! (a.)The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN! (5.) As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. (a.) Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim. (b.) Pat Malone told us the story of his daughter, who came out of the mall and was walking to her car when she noticed 2 older ladies in front of her. Then she saw a police car come towards her with cops who said hello. She also noticed that all 8 handicap spots in the area were empty. As she neared her car she saw a man a few rows over calling to her for help. He wanted her to close his passenger side door. He was sitting in the back on the driver's side, and said he was handicapped. He continued calling, until she turned and headed back to the mall, and then he began cursing at her. In the meantime, she wondered why he didn't ask the 2 older ladies, or the policeman for help, and why he was not parked in any of the empty handicap spots. As she got back to the mall, two male friends of hers were exiting, and as she told them the story, and turned to point at the car, the man was getting out of the back seat into the front and the car sped away. DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THIS TRAP. I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only; but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it on to them, as well. PLEASE BE SAFE AND NOT SORRY! JUST A WARNING TO ALWAYS BE ALERT AND USE YOUR HEAD!!! Pass this along to every woman you have access to. Never let your guard down. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from the local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM 1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email! 2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail. 3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me. 4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people! 5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people. 6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER -- NEVER -- NEVER -- NEVER !!!! 7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people! 8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS. 9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send. 10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!! 11. The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations. 12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on! NOW, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next blue moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months, all of your hair will fall out, you will lose your last friend, and your computer will laugh. Did you ? Well don't ..... BE SMART, do not forward any e-mail that someone else requested you to do, let's all help to stop trash e-mail and overloading overfilling e-mail boxes. Thank You. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B." -- "Fats" Domino "We anticipate a global world-market with place for perhaps five computers." -- Tom Watson, IBM 1949 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I live across the street from a church. When my wife's puppy escaped from the back yard we went looking for it. She went off in the car and I started to walk around the church, calling the dog's name. I didn't think anything of it until I noticed some strange looks from people walking in the area. The dog's name is Moses. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 8 Biblical Headlines re-written by today's liberal media 1. On Red Sea crossing: WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE Pursuing Environmentalists Killed 2. On David vs. Goliath: HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock 3. On Elijah on Mt. Carmel: FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY 400 Killed 4. On the birth of Christ: HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple 5. On feeding the 5,000: PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH Disciples Mystified Over Behavior 6. On healing the 10 lepers: LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy 7. On healing of the Gadarene demoniac: MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE Local Farmer's Investment Lost 8. On raising Lazarus from the dead: FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK Will Reading to be Delayed ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Aphorisms For Our Time Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others. Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor. Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good Samaritan and get him home. So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls Down four more times. They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The bride came down the aisle, and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "Dear, what are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A large, well-established Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack's door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 2. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 3. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 4. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. 5. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground. 6. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. 7. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 8. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which service was "the best." The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck. They were run over by the truck and killed instantly. Soon the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?" Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven." Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter says to the four Servicemen, "Your answer from the Boss. Let's see what He says." Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos, and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four Servicemen: MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE TO: Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines SUBJ: WHICH MILITARY SERVICE IS BEST Gentlemen, all branches of the United States Armed Forces are honorable and noble. Each serves America well and with distinction. Being a serviceman in the United States Military represents a special calling warranting special respect, tribute and dedication. Be proud of that. Sincerely, GOD USN (Ret.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal." So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a #$@*%#&*&*&*&*&*&* liar." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Back in the cowboy days, the westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?" "Vell," the old Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down de other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree." "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader. "Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie." The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge. "So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked. "Oh, you know those Jews -- they don't eat bacon." So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea." The near-dead man starts shouting. "You old fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone." The old Jew holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake." "It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!" "I'll go tell him." Says Goldberg. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wisdom of the soul 1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission. 2. Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be. 3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently. 4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have. 5. Success stops when you do. 6. When your ship comes in. ... make sure you are willing to unload it. 7. You will never "have it all together." 8. Life is a journey... not a destination. Enjoy the trip! 9. The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what I want I will be happy." 10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it. 11. I've learned that ultimately 'takers' lose and 'givers' win. 12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared. 13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive. 14. We often fear the thing we want the most. 15. Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you have to say. Best friends listen to what you don't say! 16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints. 17. Look for opportunities...not guarantees. 18. Life is what's coming....not what was. 19. Success is getting up one more time. 20. Now is the most interesting time of all. 21. When things go wrong.....don't go with them. 22. Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. 23. God can mend all broken hearts. You just have to give Him all the pieces. 24. A person who asks a question might be a fool for five minutes, but a person who doesn't ask, is a fool forever. 25. A best friend is like a four leaf clover... hard to find, and lucky to have. 26. A friend is someone who reaches for your hand but touches your heart. 27. A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous. 28. I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to. 29. Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace... and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace. 30. Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?" Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go." Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it... A-Robin B-Sparrow C-Cuckoo D-Thrush Barbara: "It's a cuckoo." Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million." Barbara: "I want to play; I'll go with C - Cuckoo." Regis: "Is that your final answer?" Barbara: "Yes, It is - my final answer." Regis: "Are you confident?" Barbara: "Absolutely!" Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C - Cuckoo. Well...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara." Barbara took the check and was so pleased! That night Barbara calls her brunette friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne, Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "It was so simple," Barbara replies, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IDIOTS IN SERVICE This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?) IDIOTS AT WORK I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she couldn't complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTING #1 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask!" IDIOT SIGHTING #2 The stop light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" IDIOT SIGHTING #3 At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to down-sizing. Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. IDIOT SIGHTING #4 I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. IDIOT SIGHTING #5 When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey", I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know -I already got that side." NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL A LITTLE SMARTER?!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~