Click on this site to see a simple explanation of the Mid-east
conflict- It explains the 1947,1967,1973 wars with Israel and the 
Arabs- and Israel’s victory each time. The graphics and short text
are incredible! Take 3 minutes, maybe some help to try to 
understand the history of this conflict, and how the future of the
very world may be affected. Peace, L Levens
Questions about the Middle East and how it came to be today?
This web site gives a short and interesting history lesson.
www.conceptwizard.com/conflict.html      

It does not take great men to do great things;
   it only takes consecrated men.      Phillips Brooks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Air Disaster       ****NEWS ALERT**** 
The worst air disaster in Kentucky history occurred today when a 
small two-seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning. Kentucky
search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect
that the number will climb as the digging continues into the night. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to
pause and remember what life is all about. There was a Great loss
recently. Larry LaPrise, who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey," 
died this week at age 83. It was extremely difficult for the family to
keep him in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and .....well, you know the rest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bedroom Traffic - On their way home from attending a church service,
little Johnny asked his mother, "Is it true, mommy, that we are made of 
dust, like the minister said tonight?"
"Yes, darling," his mother answered.
"And is it true that we go back to dust again when we die?"
"Yes, dear," his mother replied.
"Well, Mommy, when I said my prayers last night and looked under
the bed, I saw someone who is either coming or going!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower
someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the 
handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way
to school. One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch 
on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag 
and went on. But he missed a piece of bologna. The fly had not eaten 
that morning and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started
eating the bologna.  In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he 
waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the
lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the 
children. There was still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk.
He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good.
Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle 
of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full 
to fly and he went splat!!, killing him instantly.
The moral of the story: 
Don't fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Church Dictionary
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the
congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than
that of the congregation's range.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph didn't have private
health coverage.
2. The Biblical proof that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in most Churches.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who "don't" know the seating
capacity of a pew!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

History (as in old bygone history) Lessons
         In George Washington's day, there were no cameras. One's
image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George 
Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm 
behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms.
Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were
to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and
legs are "limbs" therefore painting them would cost the buyer more.
Hence the expression "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
 
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a
year! (May & October) Women always kept their hair covered
while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore
wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs. The wigs couldn't be
washed so to clean them, they would carve out a loaf of bread, put
the wig in the shell and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would
make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term "big wig." Today we
often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone
appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
 
In the late 1700s many houses consisted of a large room with only 
one chair. Commonly, a long wide board was folded down from the
wall and used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in
the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Once in a while 
an invited guest, who was almost always a man, would be offered this 
chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and 
in charge. Sitting in the chair, one was called the "chair man." Today
in business we use the expression/title "Chairman."

Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room for improvement.
As a result, many women and men had developed acne scars by
adulthood. The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin
to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each 
other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told
"mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would
crack, hence the term "crack a smile." Also, when they sat too close to 
the fire, the wax would melt and therefore the expression "losing face."

Ladies wore corsets which would lace up in the front. A tightly tied
lace was worn by a proper and dignified lady as in "straight laced."
 
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was 
a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 
"ace of spades." To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51
cards instead. Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people
were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 
"playing with a full deck."
 
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what
was considered important to the people. Since there were no telephones,
TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs
and bars who were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's 
conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched 
at different times. "You go sip here" and "you go sip there." The two
words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local
opinion and thus, we have the term "gossip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A SIMPLE LESSON:
A rat looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife
opening a package.  What food might it contain?  He was aghast to
discover that it was a rat trap.  Retreating into the farmyard the rat
proclaimed the warning: "There is a rat trap in the house !!  A rat trap
in the house !"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said
"Excuse me, Mr. Rat, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is 
of no consequence to me.  I cannot be bothered by it.
The rat turned to the pig and told him,
"There is a rat trap in the house !!  A rat trap in the house !"
"I am so very sorry Mr. Rat," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing
I can do about it but pray.  Be assured that you are in my prayers."
The rat turned to the cow.  She said,"Like wow, Mr. Rat. 
I am in grave danger. Duh?"
So, the rat returned to the house, head down and dejected,
to face the farmer's rat trap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound
of a rat trap catching it's prey.  The farmer's wife rushed to see what
was caught.  In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous
snake whose tail the trap had caught.  The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital.  She returned home with a fever.
Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the
farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit
with her round the clock.  To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well.  She died, and so many people came
to her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat
for all of them to eat.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think that
it does not concern you, remember that when there is a rat trap in the
house, the whole farmyard is at risk.
"Am I my brother's keeper?" (Genesis 4:9)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Generic Joke
A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are
commonly considered to have certain stereotypical
mannerisms met another person belonging to a different
ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical
mannerisms.
The first person acted in a manner consistent with the
stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and
proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to
establish conclusively his membership in that group,
whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with 
a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be
interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion,
but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his
membership in his particular ethnic group.
Of course, the first person took offense at his remark,
and reacted in a stereotypical way!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Childhood Doesn't Wait  by Kathie Phillips Davis
I was sitting on a bench,  while in a nearby mall,
When I noticed a young mother,  with two children who were small.
The younger one was whining,  "Pick me up," I heard him beg
But the mother's face grew angry,  as the child clung to her leg.
"Don't hang on me," she shouted,  as she pushed his hands away,
I wish I'd had the courage,  to go up to her to say...
"The time will come too quickly,  when those little arms that tug,
Won't ask for you to hold them,  or won't freely give a hug.
"The day will sneak up subtly,  just as it did with me,
When you can't recall the last time,  that your child sat on your knee.
"Like those sacred, pre-dawn feedings,  when we cherished time alone
Our babies grow and leave behind,  those special times we've known.
"So when your child comes to you,  with a book that you can share,
Or asks that you would tuck him in,  and help him say his prayer...
"When he comes to sit and chat,  or would like to take a walk,
Before you answer that you can't,  'cause there's no time to talk.
"Remember what all parents learn,  so many times too late,
That years go by too quickly,  and that childhood doesn't wait.
"Take every opportunity,  If one should slip away
Reach hard to get it back again,  don't wait another day."
I watched that mother walk away,  her children followed near,
I hope she'll pick them up,  before her chances disappear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Older Than Dirt ???   How old do these make you feel ????? 
Yes  ..........  Older than dirt.......... 
My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he brought me 
an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a 
bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter
had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or 
something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing
board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. 
Man, I am old. 
How Many Do You Remember?? 
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor 
Ignition switches on the dashboard 
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall 
Real ice boxes [Ask your Mom about that] 
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. 
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner. 
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals. 
Older Than Dirt Quiz -   Count all the ones that you remember,
not the ones you were told about!   (Ratings at the bottom.) 
1. Blackjack chewing gum 
2. Wax Coca Cola-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 
3. Candy cigarettes 
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed soda in a bottle 
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes 
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 
7. Party lines  (that is, as in telephone service to your home)
8. Newsreels before the movie 
9. P.F. Flyers  (not an Airplane, but like in footware)
10. Butch wax (men's and boy's short hair help)
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933) 
       (or like my first number I remember -  41J )
12. Peashooters  (Teachers outlawed them)
13. Howdy Doody (TV Star)
14. 45 RPM records (and 78 RPM also)
15. S&H Green Stamps (not from the Post Office)
16. Hi-Fi's  (before Stereo's)
17. Metal ice trays with lever 
18. Mimeograph paper  (before copiers)
19. Blue flashbulb 
20. Packards   (as in an automobile)
21. Roller skate keys 
22. Cork popguns 
23. Drive-ins (not for food, but for an outdoor movie)
24. Studebakers (that was another automobile)
25. Wash tub wringers (you got your hands wet)
If you remembered   0-5 = You're still young 
6-10 =You are getting older   11-15 = Don't tell your age, Darling.... 
16-25 = You're older than dirt! 
Don't forget to pass this along, especially to all your really OLD friends. 
(Editor's note: I am older than DIRT! as I remember all 25 !!!!!!!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hooray for Dennis Miller!! He said recently on his show, regarding
the judge who declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
"So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says
'Under God'. Guess that means when you were sworn in with your
hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated,
'So Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional, therefore
you have no job, which means your ruling doesn't mean S---!
(expletive deleted).
Amen!

This is the most shameful attempt to secularize a country rooted in
the principle of inalienable rights endowed by the Creator. Even the
Ninth Circuit Court, which is responsible for this treacherous 
decision, begins by pronouncing, "God bless the United States and
this honorable court."  Time and time again the courts have affirmed 
our national motto-"In God We Trust."  The Almighty is invoked
three times in the Declaration of Independence and countless other 
documents.  If the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional, then the
Declaration of Independence is as well.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A friend is one who sees through you 
and still enjoys the view.     Wilma Askinas

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.

Give me one reason a person becomes a vegetarian. 
 ......... being a poor hunter might be a good reason.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Optimist's Hunting Dog
Friends -- one an optimist and the other a pessimist -- could 
never quite agree on any topic of discussion.  
One day the optimist decided he had found a good way to
pull his friend out of his continually pessimistic way of thinking.
The optimist owned a huntin' dog that could walk on water.
His plan? Take the pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.
They got out into the middle of the lake, and the optimist shot down
a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, 
retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.
The optimist looked at his pessimistic friend and said, 
"What do you think about that?"
The pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Senior Moments
Soon, we will all have "Senior Moments"---  Some of us sooner than 
others! An elderly woman in Florida called 911 on her cell phone to 
report that her car had been broken into. She is hysterical as she 
explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, 
and even the accelerator", she cried.
The dispatcher said "Stay calm, an officer is on the way".
A few minutes later the officer radios in,
"Disregard", he said, "She got into the back-seat by mistake!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Doctor
A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new
doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she 
burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor 
stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. 
After hearing the story the doctor marched back to the first and 
demanded, ”What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, 
she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told
her she was pregnant?” The new doctor continued to write on his 
clipboard and asked, ”Does she still have the hiccups?” 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents
knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were
probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The
clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent 
her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the
clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy
down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". The boy's mouth dropped 
open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, 
wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
"Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the
clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's 
face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove
into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother
found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied "We are in BIG trouble
this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OLD PREACHER 
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his
Lawyer, both church members, to come to his  home. When they arrived,
they were ushered up to his bedroom.As they entered the room, the 
preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of
the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled 
and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. 
Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old
preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They 
were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication he
particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long,
uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and their avaricious
behavior that made them squirm in their seats. 
Finally, the lawyer said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to
come?" The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly,
"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go too.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are from Louisiana visiting a relative 
at the Huntsville, Texas prison. Walking along Sam Houston Street,
they see a sign which reads: 'Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 per pair.
Boudreaux says to his pal, "Hey Thib, LOOK! We could buy a
whole lot of those, and when we get back to Lafayette, we could
make a fortune.  
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay?  Just let me do
all the talkin' cause if they hear our Cajun accent they might not
serve us. I'll speakin my best Texas drawl. 
They go in and Boudreaux orders 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts
at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each.
The owner of the shop says, "You're from Louisiana, aren't you?"
"Oh, ... yes," says a surprised Boudreaux.  "Howcome you know dat?
The owner says, " 'Cause this is a dry-cleaners."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Golf game .... golf for older folks
Moses, Jesus, and an older, bearded man were out playing golf one 
day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the
fairway but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly, Moses 
raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe 
and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one,
directly toward the same water hazard. It landed directly in the center 
of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked
out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green. 
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed 
out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It 
bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto
the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the 
down spout, out onto the fairway, and right toward the aforementioned 
pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over
the water and onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very
large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his
mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew
away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and
dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful 
hole-in-one. 
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was driving along the interstate when I decided to stop at a comfort
station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one.
I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall,
"Hi.  How are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort
stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but 
anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed, "Not bad."
Then the stranger said, "So, what are you up to?" Talk about your 
dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird,
so I said, "Well, just like you I'm driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back
later.  There's some idiot in the next stall answering all the 
questions I am asking you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Administratium -- a newly discovered element
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery 
of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has
been tentatively named "Administratium."
Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy 
neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called
morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like 
particles called peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over
4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes 
some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic
of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that 
Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in 
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."
Detection: You will know it when you see it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did this happen in the pond one night?
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes 
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk 
into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The
preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again 
for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and 
asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds
and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you
found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and 
says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

News Flashes - April 1, 2030
Some of these are really funny. Some are NOT all that funny. 
You choose which ones to laugh at. They may not be the same
ones I choose to laugh at... I guess that's how humor works.
1. Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America
crops & livestock.
3. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American 
Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, 
and Lebanon).
4. Afghanistan still closed off--physicists estimate it will take at least 
ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
5. Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at
Yasser Arafat's tomb in Detroit.
6. Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to 
weight loss.
7. Texas executes last remaining citizen.
8. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
9. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
10. Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's
for $4.6 million.
11. Ozone created by electric cars killing thousands in Los Angeles.
12. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
13. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of 
Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
14. New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers
 and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
15. Colorado motorist arrested for not driving SUV.
16. Average worker's Social Security (FICA) contribution hits
 $12,000 per week. Protests planned.
17. Congressman Gary Condit still missing.
18. Senator Strom Thurmond remains dead; continues to cast votes.
19. White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th 
time. No response.
20. Seats for Mel Brooks' "The Producers" on Broadway, decline
 to $12,000 per.
21. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois.
22. E-mail messages, like this one, now charged at $5 per word.
 Please remit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.  
"Your son is here," she said to the old man. She had to repeat the 
words several times before the patient's eyes opened. Heavily sedated
because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young 
uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out
his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old
man's  limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement. 
The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed.
All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted 
ward, holding  the old man's hand and offering him words of love and
strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away 
and rest awhile. He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the
Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the 
clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members 
exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients. Now and
then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, 
only held tightly to his son all through the night.
Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now 
lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she
did what she had to do, he waited. Finally, she returned. She started to 
offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.
"Who was that man?" he asked.
The nurse was startled, "He was your father" she answered.
"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied.  "I never saw him before in my life."
"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?" she asked.
"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed 
his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick
to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me.
I stayed."
The next time someone needs you... be there. Stay. You'll be glad you did.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every man has a train of thought on which he rides when he is 
alone.  The dignity and nobility of his life, as well as his happiness,
depend upon the direction in which that train is going, the baggage
it carries, and the scenery through which it travels.   Joseph Newton

The confession of evil works is the first beginning of good works. 
              St. Augustine

TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tradition here in the office is to keep a notepad with the punch lines 
from the various jokes that pass through. I was flipping pages and 
found "Turtles have such tiny ears!" I couldn't remember the joke.
After searching everyone's memory banks, one of the folks 
remembered: "Why is turtle wax so expensive?"
There are three signs of old age: Loss of memory, and I can't 
remember the other two. Again, one of the folks remembered:
"Eyes, ears, knees, hair, teeth...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No man/woman is worth your tears, and the only one who is will
never make you cry. If you love someone, put their name in a circle
instead of a heart, because hearts can break but circles go on forever.
Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. 
Best friends listen to what you don't say.
If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them.
I'd be at the bottom to catch them.
Smile and keep smiling even when you're sad because you never know
if somebody could be falling in love with your smile.
If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.
It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, 
and a day to love someone. But it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
Enthusiasm is contagious.  You could start an epidemic.
Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future.  
Today is a gift, that is why we call it the present.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ever wonder why?
Why does the gynecologist/doctor leave the room when you get
             undressed?
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
              the core of the earth?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do
is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
               centuries have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
              horrible crisp no-one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll 
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a 
             coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Making Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, 
"Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully,
"That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl.  
"You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Training Exercise
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise,
a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor. The landing is so 
hard it breaks off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately 
remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s.
As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of
sparks, this radio exchange takes place:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and 
undergoes weeks of training. The supervisor then takes him into the
switch booth to test his readiness. The following exchange takes place:
Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned 
there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another 
coming from the South on the same track. What would you do?"
Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train
on the other track."
Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"
Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big
switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."
Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to
stop both trains."
Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street
and use their phone."
Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"
Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."
Supervisor: "Uncle Joe??? What would he do?"
Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts
to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly, and the keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage
before the crowd comes. He discovers it's a great job. He can sleep all
he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws bigger crowds
than he ever did as a mime. 
However, eventually the crowds tire of him. He begins to notice that
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of 
his cage, crawls across a partition and dangles from the top to the lion's 
cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise 
for being such a good attraction. 
This goes on for some time. The crowds grow larger, and the mime's
salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day, while dangling over the
furious lion, the mime slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion
gathers itself and prepares to pounce. 
The mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!" 
but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry
lion, and the lion says, "Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest 
of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, 
the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating 
profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked
what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said
the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing 'Love' stamps on bright
pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume
bottle and starts spraying the scent all over them!!
His curiosity getting the better of him. So, he goes up to the balding
man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out
1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ONLY IN AMERICA.... 
1. ......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 
2. ......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 
3. ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 
4. ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 
5. ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 
6.......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put 
our useless junk in the garage. 
7. ......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call 
waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to
in the first place. 
8.......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 
9. ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 
'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 
10. ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EVER WONDER???: 
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? 
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? 
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid 
             made with real lemons? 
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 
Why! isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 
When dog food is new! and improved tasting, who tests it? 
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? 
               Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? 
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"...[When I was an atheist] my argument against God was that the
universe seemed cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of
just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has 
some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe 
with when I called it unjust? If the whole show was bad and 
senseless from A to Z, so to speak, why did I, who was supposed
to be part of the show, find myself in such violent reaction against
it? ... Thus in the very act of trying to prove that God did not 
exist -- in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless -- I 
found I was forced to assume that one part of reality -- namely my
idea of justice -- was full of sense. Consequently atheism turns out 
to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should 
never have found out that it has no meaning." --C.S. Lewis
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Eighty-nine% of Washington journalists voted for Clinton in 1992, 
compared to just 43% of non-journalists; 23% of the public described
themselves as liberal, compared to 55% of journalists; 49% of the public is 
pro-choice, whereas 82% of journalists are; 75% of the public favors the 
death penalty, compared to 47% of journalists. The differences go on and
on. While the media elite differ significantly from the average American,
their level of dishonesty and leftist bias is appalling." --Walter Williams
[Hillary] Clinton's [Senate] voting record is so consistently [Left] that the
National Taxpayers Union, whose voting indexes are based on nearly 200
roll-call votes, gave her a 3% score for all of 2001. That is the lowest score 
NTU has ever given a freshman senator since it began tracking votes in 
1977. The taxpayer advocacy organization and other groups say that her
votes look no better this year, either." --Washington Times
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE 5 STAGES OF LIFE  -  1. To Grow Up  2. To Fill Out 
3. To Slim Down  4. To Hold It In  5. To Heck With It   !!!!!!!
And now that I've reached number 5 and almost a member of the Senior
Citizen group ...... I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts until 8PM.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts, I've just lost the key to the store room.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I would send it to
many more! I haven't sent it to you before, have I?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. 
                        Victor Borge
"A real friend never gets in your way - unless you happen 
                         to be on the way down." - Dr Wayne Dyer
"War does not determine who is right - only who is left."
                        - Bertrand Russell
"The man with a new idea is a crank, until the idea succeeds"
                       - Mark Twain
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a
         vegetarian because I hate plants.    A. Whitney Brown
I am always doing things I can't do, that's how I get to do them.
                        Pablo Picasso           
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. 
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art." 
"Really," answered the neighbor.  "What kind is it?" 
"Twelve thirty." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street 
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later
the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing great,
aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " 
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. 
I said you got a heart murmur.  Be careful." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning 
him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!" 
"It's not just one car," said Herman.  "It's hundreds of them!" 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help 
the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed,
however, that they were copying copies, not the original books.
The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He
pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error
would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk
went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it 
against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went
downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from
the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one
of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!" sobed the head monk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young girl was visiting her grandmother and she asked her 
grandma how old she was. The grandmother did not tell the girl.
A while later, the grandmother found the granddaughter in her 
purse, looking in her billfold at her driver's. The granddaughter
looked up at her grandmother and said, "I know how old you are.
I figured it out.  And I know something else about you, too. 
You got an F in sex." 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"FACTS OF LIFE" 
1.  The best way to get even is to forgive and forget.  
2.  Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.  
3.  God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.  
4.  Some folks wear their halos much too tight.  
5.  Some marriages are made in heaven, 
                   but they ALL have to be maintained on earth.  
6.  Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, Then 
              perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!  
7.  Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up.  
8.  Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get
                knocked down by the traffic from both ways.  
9.  Words are windows to the heart.  
10.  A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the
                'handwriting on the wall', claims it's a forgery.  
11.  It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill,
                  just add a little dirt.  
12.  A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's being
                the right person.  
13.  The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.  
14.  Too many people offer God prayers, with claw marks all over them.  
15.  The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.  
16.  To forgive is to set the prisoner free, 
                 and then discover the prisoner was you.  
17.  You have to wonder about humans,
                 they think God is dead and Elvis is alive!  
18.  It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again.  
                Just be sure to flush when you are done.  
19.  You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress
                when it sticks out its neck.  
20.  If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, 
                you can bet the water bill is higher.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not
blame others. BUT, upon reflection, we would like to point out
that it was NOT the senior citizens who took: 
The melody out of music,  The pride out of appearance, 
The romance out of love,  The commitment out of marriage, 
The responsibility out of parenthood, The togetherness out of the family, 
The learning out of education,  The service out of patriotism, 
The religion out of school,  The Golden Rule from rulers, 
The nativity scene out of cities,  The civility out of behavior, 
The refinement out of language,  The dedication out of employment, 
The prudence out of spending, or  The ambition out of achievement, 
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and 
tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!! 
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their 
hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts! 
Remember.......Inside every older person is a younger person 
wondering what the heck happened! 
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN! 
the life of the party...even if it lasts until 8 p.m. 
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer 
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going. 
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. 
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing  you're saying. 
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over... 
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine. 
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care. 
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud 
music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, 
barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't remember. 
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. 
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg. 
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like....... 
I'm realizing that aging is not for wimps. 
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and 
when did they let kids become policemen? 
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I 
be alive at 150? 
I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the key to the 
storeroom door. Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am
having the time of my life! 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If You . . .
1. If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills, 
2. If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, 
3. If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, 
4. If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it, 
5. If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time, 
6. If you can overlook when people take things out on you when 
    through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, 
7. If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, 
8. If you can face the world without lies and deceit, 
9. If you can conquer tension without medical help, 
10. If you can relax without liquor, 
11. If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, 
12. If you can do all these things, then you are probably..... 
                     THE FAMILY DOG.     ;-) 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child,
but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. 
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from
birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family.
Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into
$8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a 
mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have
children if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite. 
What do your get for your  $160,140?
Naming rights. First, middle, and last!  Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night. More love than your heart
can hold. Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles,
and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with no matter what the boss said
or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch
lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to keep: reading the Adventures of Pooh and
watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and
wishing on stars. You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers
under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths
for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards
with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
taking the training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling a
wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a
baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first
word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're
lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice,
communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.
You have all the power to heal a booboo, scare away the monsters 
under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground
them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will,
like you, love without counting the cost.
ENJOY YOUR KIDS AND GRAND KIDS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Religion Is Your Bra? 
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and 
shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." 
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. 
"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?" 
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of 
bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. 
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only
four types of bras to choose from" 
Relieved, the man asked about the types. 
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" 
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. 
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple... 
The Catholic type supports the masses. 
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, 
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, 
and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you always thought little green garden snakes were O.K., read on: 
Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not 
rattlesnakes. A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants, 
and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them 
indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. 
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one
of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife
saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. 
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room 
naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake
under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to 
look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him
in the butt. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife
thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants
rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. 
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the 
Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the 
stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital. 
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on
a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself 
with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. 
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the 
sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions,
where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the 
snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her 
laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her. 
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery 
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking
him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. 
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury
required hospitalization. 
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her 
neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she
assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, 
brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down 
the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. 
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that
a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when
the two women explained how it all happened over a little green snake. 
They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing 
wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. 
One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake
and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. 
The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, 
it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the 
flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family 
dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an 
oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police
car and set it on fire. 
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire
house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the 
arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder as they were half way
down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put
out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten square city
block area. 
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house
was rebuilt, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their 
world. About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman
announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if
she thought they should bring in their plants for the night. 
She shot him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Previous Life By Gayle Sorensen Stringer
In my previous life, before I was reincarnated as a mother of three, 
I wore clothes that fit and matched. I wore makeup and curled my hair
every day. But no one gave me graham cracker kisses. No one ever told
me how pretty I looked in sweats. In my previous life, I read "Time"
magazine and the newspaper. My repartee of regular television viewing 
transcended "Arthur" and "The Magic School Bus," and I devoured all 
the best selling novels. But no one asked me to read "The Velveteen 
Rabbit" at bedtime. No one ever requested "The Little Engine that Could."
In my previous life, I had a career and friends who were more than three
feet tall. People asked for my opinions and entrusted me with important
projects and confidential information. I had conversations where not 
once was mentioned snacks or potties or play dates. But no one asked
me my favorite color or why the sky is so blue.  
No one ever wanted me to sing.
In my previous life, I had a life. I frequented aerobics classes, 
restaurants and the theater. I hosted parties where the themes had
nothing to do with "Star Wars" or Winnie-the-Pooh. I shopped for
myself and slept late on weekends. But no one made me Valentine 
cards. No one ever gave me dandelion bouquets.
In my previous life, I traveled, and my destinations did not hinge 
on theme parks or swimming pools or nap schedules. The Mayan 
ruins of the Yucatan, snorkeling in the Caribbean, museum hopping 
in Italy, Kabuki Theater in Japan...these were my playgrounds.
I was the queen of the road and my destiny. But no one asked me to
push the swing higher. No one ever invited me to splash in puddles 
or roll in the snow. In my previous life, I held my emotions in check.
I did not stomp my feet or grit my teeth. I could not easily be 
diminished to tears or tirades. I considered my demeanor as laid-back
and easygoing. But, no one made me care enough to cry. No one ever
just loved me, anyway.
In my previous life, I was free. I could carve my own path and follow
my dreams. Nothing stood in my way. But the path was unsure and
the vision blurred. No one ever gave me purpose enough to soar. 
Now, I endlessly rearrange piles of laundry, crumbs and toys. 
I am pulled and tugged, hassled and harassed, stepped on and sat
upon, and desperate for some solitude. I am jean-clad and 
juice-stained, bleary-eyed and graying, underpaid and overwhelmed. 
And, sometimes I wonder who I am and what I've become. 
Then, one of my children shouts, "Mommy, I need you!" 
and it is perfectly clear. I am the center of the Universe. I am MOM
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH
There were three good arguments that Jesus was black:
1.  He called everyone brother
2.  He liked gospel
3.  He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were three equally good arguments that 
Jesus was Jewish:
1.  He went into his father's business.
2.  He lived at home until he was 33.
3.  He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother
        thought he was God. But then there were three equally
        good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1.  He talked with his hands.
2.  He had wine with every meal.
3.  He used olive oil
But then there were three equally good arguments that 
Jesus was a Californian:
1.  He never cut his hair.
2.  He walked around barefoot all the time.
3.  He started a new religion.
But then there were three equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1.  He never got married.
2.  He was always telling stories.
3.  He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all  - three proofs
      that Jesus was a woman:
1.  He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2.  He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men
             who just didn't get it.
3.  Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more
               work for him to do.
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"Hello, Supreme Court? ... Is it constitutional to take a praying mantis
to 'Show-And-Tell'?" --Bob Thaves in the comic strip "Frank & Ernest"  

I went to a new 99-cent store today -- Wall Street!

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Two men stand at a river which they are about to cross when they notice 
crocodiles looking at them. "Are you afraid?" asks one to the other.
"Don't you know that God is merciful and God is good?"
 "Yes I do," says the scared man. "But what if God suddenly chooses right
now to be good to the crocodiles?"
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Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine 
the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate,
with no deliberating or wasting time... And no cheating!
1:   You are competing in a race and overtake the runner lying in second 
              place. In which position are you now?
2:   If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?
3:   Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20. 
            Plus 1000. And plus 10. What is the total?
4:   Marie's father has five daughters: 1. Chacha,  2. Cheche,  3. Chichi,
                      4. Chocho.   Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly... you'll find the answers below.

Answer 1:
 If you answered that you're now coming first then you're completely 
wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore 
you're coming second. For the next question try not to be so dim.
Answer 2:
If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong.
Think about it. How can you over take the person coming last? If you're 
behind them then they can't be last. The answer is impossible! It would 
appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. Anyway, here's 
another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember
your replies must be instantaneous. Take heart!
Answer 3: 
5000? Wrong again! The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good 
calculator. Today is clearly not your day.
Although you should manage to get the last question right...
Answer4: 
Chuchu? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question properly! 

You are clearly the weakest link....GOODBYE!
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Ten Rules for Staying Young:
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. 
              Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. If you really need
         a grouch, there are probably a few dozen of your relatives to do the job.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the Bible, computer, crafts, gardening, 
         whatever. Just never let the brain stay idle.
4. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. Laugh so 
         much that you can be tracked in the store by your distinctive laughter.
5. Do not worry about situations beyond your control. 
         God is still on His throne!
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is 
         with us our entire lives, is ourselves.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is family, pets, keepsakes, 
         music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. 
          If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Shoulder only your own responsibilities. Then go to 
           the mall, the next county, a foreign country, but not to guilt.
            God forgives and forgets. Go to Him.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. 
          Remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, 
               but by the moments that take our breath away.
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There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of  
telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two
Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. The boss met both teams and said:
"Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a 
day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job." 
Both teams headed right out. At the end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys,
came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. 
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. 
Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven the Norwegian guys, came back in and 
they were totally exhausted. 
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" 
Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."
The boss gasped, "Three??  Those two Irish guys put in twelve!" 
"Yeah," said Ole, "But you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!" 
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Wife to her exhausted husband returning home at the end of the day,
"How did the day go, dear?" 
"Terrible!"
"What happened?"
"Things were going so bad at work, I decided I just needed to get
             out of the office and play a round of golf. I took George with me."
"That's too bad about the office, dear."
"Well, that's only the beginning."
"Oh, what else?"
"We got to the seventh hole, and George had a coronary!"
"Oh, my!"
"O yeah, then things really started going bad... it was hit the ball, 
              drag George... hit the ball, drag George."
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Did you hear about the man that had a pet penguin? Soon after he got his penguin, 
he was driving in town one day with the penguin sitting on the front seat next to
him. A policeman noticed the penguin in the car and motioned for the man to pull over.
The officer says, "What are you doing with that penguin?"
The man replies, "We are just going for an afternoon drive."
The officer says, "I want you to take that penguin to the zoo right away, or you will
be in big trouble." The man replies, "No problem, I can do that," and the
policeman let them go on their way.
Two days later, the man and his penguin are going for a drive again with the penguin
sitting in the front seat. This time the penguin has on dark sunglasses. When they pass 
through town, the same policeman spots the penguin in the car. He furiuosly motions
for the man to pull over. As soon as the car stops, he marches right up to the man
and demands, "You are the same guy I saw two days ago with a penguin. What are
you trying to do now?  Don't you think that I can still recognize a penguin even if it has
sunglasses on?  I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo right away?"
The man replied, "Yes sir you did. I took him to the zoo yesterday. We had so much
fun at the zoo that today I thought we would go to the beach today!"
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The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool
teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing
a game in which they identified animals.
"I'm going to describe something to you.  Let's see if you can guess what it is.  
First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."
The children looked at her blankly.
"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."
No response.  This wasn't going well at all!
"I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red."
Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about
coming up with the answers.  "Michelle, what do you think?"
Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, 
"Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
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A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently 
deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary 
is 50 cents a word. 
She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read, 'Fred Brown died.'"
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum
for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds
says, "In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The pro football team had just finished its daily practice session when a large 
turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the 
turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in
silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific! 
Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said. "All I want to know is, does the season go 
past Thanksgiving Day?"
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Recently I was reminded of a story which my mother swears is true (though she
doesn't call me Bobby much anymore):
Back in 1958, when I was just past four years old,  my parents gave me a young
parakeet. My mother determined that our parakeet would learn to talk,  and to this 
end sat at the microphone of a borrowed tape recorder for a full 1/2 hour, saying 
over and over again: "Pretty bird! Pretty bird! Pretty bird! Pretty bird!...." and so
on. The resulting taped message was played for our parakeet at least once per day. 
For weeks.
One of Mom's friends often dropped by for an early morning cup of coffee, and
was well aware (due to the incessant taped message) of her attempts to teach our
bird to talk. And one day, while the friend was at the kitchen table, the bird began
to speak, but very quietly and indistinctly. She excitedly called my mother into the
room, and told her that the bird was trying to say something. The two women 
carefully leaned  toward the parakeet's cage, and heard him say, very clearly now -
"Bobby! Stop that!"
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Things You Do Not Want to Hear in Surgery
1.) Better save that.  We'll need it for the autopsy.
2.) Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop 
3.) 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness' 
4.) Sparky!  Come back with that!  Bad Dog!
5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6.) Hand me that ... uh ... that uh ..... thingie.
7.) Oh no!  I just lost my Rolex.
8.) Oops!  Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?
9.) Everybody stand back!  I lost my contact lens!
10.) Could you stop that thing from beating -- it's throwing my concentration off 
11.) What's this doing here?
12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
13.) That's cool!  Now can you make his leg twitch?!
14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16.) Sterile, shcmeril.  The floor's clean, right?
17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
19.) Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
22.) Don't worry.  I think it is sharp enough.
23.) What do you mean 'You want a divorce'!
24.) She's gonna blow!  Everyone take cover!!!
25.) FIRE!  FIRE!  Everybody get out!
26.) 'And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient ...' n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Toddler Diet:  Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble 
with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you 
don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). 
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go 
right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do
but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have
noticed, as I have, that most 2-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a 
glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I
was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and 
sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check 
with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.
Good luck!
DAY ONE 
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites 
of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1bite of toast, then
smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass
of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO 
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina
Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop
in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left
nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE 
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub
in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After
breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put
it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an
olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half-cup of
sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that
sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on
plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
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